To say we are struggling

[Callmepale]

My partner and I both work full time and have a yearly salary of around
£44000 between us before tax.


We put our DS in nursery for 4 days a week which with TF allowance comes to just over £700 a month. My MIL suggested putting him in nursery full time recently as we sometimes have difficulty getting that day covered between grandparents. She said ' it's not like you can't afford it'.


I didn't say anything but 4 days really stretches us! Would you agree with my MIL that this is feasible?

[DoodlePug]

Does sound like mil doesn't want to do it any more. But possibly she'd be willing to if she realised you would really struggle to afford it.

Rather than telling her this it would be better if she came to the conclusion herself. Would it be really odd if you asked her to sit down with you and help you budget and laid out your income and expenses?

[Luredbyapomegranate]

I am sure it is tight.

But I suspect it’s more that she doesn’t want the responsibility, than a genuine comment on your finances.

Could you both do longer hours over 4 days to cover it, or would a child minder be cheaper?

[Starseeking]

Some retirees have a different perception of how much things costs these days; there is nothing my dad (mid 70's) ever guessed the right price for, whereas I'm usually spot on. In your MILs day it's unlikely she would have had equivalent costs, as most mums used to stay at home.

Everything these days is expensive, but that's just how it is.

It's clear your MIL wants to opt out of regularly doing 1 day a week childcare, which is not unreasonable of her. Either you or your DH needs to drop down to 4 days a week, then your problem of covering the final day will be sorted.

[Oatsamazing]

My partner and I earn £41k between us, both full time. I work one weekend day and have a weekday off instead so our DD only has to go to nursery 4 days a week. My partner's job comes with a house so we don't have to pay rent and we manage okay, I don't think we would if we had to pay rent or a mortgage though.

[SteakExpectations]

I would send a message to all grandparents saying that you’re re-assessing childcare for LO while you’re working, what are they realistically able to commit to?

It might be that the day of the week that you’re asking for cover is one where they have activities that clash or that they actually would rather commit to the odd Sunday, on their terms when they feel like it and no midweek childcare. If that’s the case, you really need to reassess you both working full time while LO is nursery age, or could one of you work shifts that the other than provide childcare for?

[nutellachurro]

@Endofdaysarehere

The devil is surely in the detail here, is it £44,000 before tax .
Although if you both earn £44000 then you also get working tax credit, child benefits, UC, and maybe also help with your rent if your in a council property? Discounted gym (if that’s your thing). Then an extra day in nursery isn’t unreachable.

If it’s £44k after tax then your take home pay should be quite ok for one child? Do you live in zone 1 in London?

Your MIL expecting you to find a extra money at the moment is bad timing, we’re all worried, but your OP is misleading.

Can you not read?

It's in the second line of the original post ffs

[Callmepale]

My first post states this is before tax @Endofdaysarehere

We don't get working tax credit or UC. We do get child benefit and tax free childcare.

We live up north.

[Endofdaysarehere]

The devil is surely in the detail here, is it £44,000 before tax .
Although if you both earn £44000 then you also get working tax credit, child benefits, UC, and maybe also help with your rent if your in a council property? Discounted gym (if that’s your thing). Then an extra day in nursery isn’t unreachable.

If it’s £44k after tax then your take home pay should be quite ok for one child? Do you live in zone 1 in London?

Your MIL expecting you to find a extra money at the moment is bad timing, we’re all worried, but your OP is misleading.

[BlodynGwyn]

Does she know your income? When I was young a family could live very well on one parent's income. If someone told me years go that both parents were working full time, I'd just assume they were doing well financially. It sounds as if your mother-in-law still believes this.

[FloppyFlippy]

I think there’s a difference between offering the odd Sunday and committing to a regular Friday arrangement even every three weeks. Maybe she has something on Fridays and doesn’t want to miss it.

[Upwiththelark76]

If you have three sets of grandparents would they be up for a one in three week rota ?

[antelopevalley]

It depends on your mum's income whether she thinks you have lots of money or not. If she is on state pension credit i.e. £182 a week and has rent to pay, I can see that she would think you are fine financially.

[Callmepale]

Thanks everyone. It's weird because MIL tells us that her and FIL love having him and sometimes even volunteer the odd Sunday to give us a bit of a break. It's just not always 100% reliable which is why we're thinking a 5th day might be way to go. As I say, it's fine, I was just taken aback by the comment.

[Bishbashboss]

Think MIL doesn’t want to be childcare anymore and is hoping you take the hint.

[NoSquirrels]

@Callmepale

Just FYI, I have 3 sets of grandparents to cover the one day. All offered to help when DS was born and want to be a constant presence in his life.

We'll just about manage 5 days but it will be hard. I was just surprised by her perception.

but sometimes you struggle to cover it. And that’s MIL saying they’re unhappy to be a regular childcare option. So you don’t really have ‘3 sets willing’ you have an ill-defined arrangement. Maybe formalise with the ones who will do regular childcare alternate Fridays, and keep MIL as backup for emergencies only?

[Callmepale]

@berksandbeyond I was made redundant from my higher paid job during Covid during mat leave. Thanks for the input though!

[FloppyFlippy]

I have young adult DC and wouldn’t know how much a nursery costs per day.
Could you try and arrange the fifth day between the other two sets of grandparents, it does sound as if your mother doesn’t want to do any of these days?

[Callmepale]

Just FYI, I have 3 sets of grandparents to cover the one day. All offered to help when DS was born and want to be a constant presence in his life.

We'll just about manage 5 days but it will be hard. I was just surprised by her perception.

[Pawtucketbrew]

@SunnyD44

Obviously it depends on how much your rent/mortgage is but you’re getting at least £3000 a month, so you’ve still got at least £2300 after nursery fees.

If your rent/mortgage is £1000 per month then you’ve still got over £1000 for other bills and food etc which is more than enough.

Is she getting annoyed that you keep asking her to babysit I wonder.

£1000 for bills, food etc is not a lot these days. Council tax, fuel bill, insurance, broadband etc for me comes to around £500. Then I budget £300 for food and £100 for petrol. That doesn't leave much for any extras, treats etc. I mean it's possible but by no means more than enough IMO.

[berksandbeyond]

44k is a low salary for a family of 3, but your child is your responsibility and you shouldn't be fobbing them off on the grandparents - even "just" one day a week

Make sure your contraception is rock solid...

[nutellachurro]

Definitely not

We can barely manage on 3x your salary with full time child care

So your MIL is chatting shite

[Dreamwhisper]

And yes unfortunately a legitimate option is for one or both of you to go part time, or one of you to give up work and claim UC.

Times are hard for dreamers , you can't let anyone else's (or your own?) ideology result in your DC suffering or living in poverty for the sake of both being in FT work. There are pit falls to this long term but people are truly struggling right now and need to survive.

[Dreamwhisper]

Oh dear that sounds really hard, having to suddenly come up with a couple hundred extra pounds a month right now is not what anyone needs!

How old is your DC, are they close to getting their universal free hours? This would cover the extra day and reduce your existing costs a bit too. Any chance of negotiating with the grandparents and saying that it's x amount of time until DC gets their free hours and we would be really grateful if you could continue the arrangement until then?

If not I would be really honest with work and see if it's at all possible to flex your arrangements to cover this, again until the free hours kick in.

I'm only in my 20s but I can't imagine letting my children struggle in times like these unless I really couldn't cope.

[SunnyD44]

Have you looked into how much worse/better off you’d be if you both or one of you worked PT so you’ll need little or no childcare?

I know many couples can’t justify the nursery costs especially if they’re on NMW so they stay home or just go PT.

[RagingWoke]

You say it can be a struggle to get that 5th day covered, is that because all GPs are reluctant to have DC?

I'd take the comment from MIL as she doesn't want to help out anymore but you need to have a proper conversation with all of the GPs and anyone else who cares for your dc regularly about whether they can/want to continue.

Have you considered condensing hours so either you or your dp have that day off as an alternative to an extra day at nursery?