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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents financially support younger sister

42 replies

Ruthfulmum · 05/09/2022 12:07

Hi, I finished University and took a gap year to travel overseas and did small jobs while I was traveling. I also had a lot of student loan debt. My younger sister has just finished uni and doing gap year. She had 50% of uni costs coveted by my parents and now she’s not working nor looking for work while on gap year and parents are giving her monthly support. I am feeling quiet hurt by this and decided to move overseas and have minimal contact if any. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 05/09/2022 12:12

Not unreasonable.

Moving overseas is a tad dramatic.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 05/09/2022 12:16

Ask them if they need your bank details for your allowance...

WaffleIron · 05/09/2022 12:32

I always find it weird on this forum just how much people begrudge others for receiving money. It's more prevalent on here than any other social space I've seen online.

Are people really that consumed by jealousy these days? The amount of furious threads of people ranting about others receiving money in wills, or by other other means is startling.

I'm not particularly well off at all, but even then I can't ever imagine being upset about my brother/sister receiving more money from a family member than me. It's not my money so I don't care what others do with it or whether it's perceived as fair.

madaboutsaffron · 05/09/2022 12:36

It's rarely about the money though. It's the sense of unfairness. It's a horrible incredibly damaging feeling to have parents who favour a sibling.

lndnbrdge91 · 05/09/2022 12:38

Agree, it's not always about the money it's the unfairness of it. I see it with my DH and his brother who is financially supported by his parents while we scrape by, but are seen as 'doing ok' because we work hard and have a mortgage, home etc. off our own backs.

I hope that when my children are older they never have to feel like this. I treat them the same and always will.

HoppingKangaroo · 05/09/2022 12:41

WaffleIron its the unfairness of one sibling being favoured, children should be treated equally by parents. Paying for half of one siblings education and not the others if very unfair

Catapultaway · 05/09/2022 12:41

You emigrated because your little sister got more pocket money 😂

I get your point, but a tad dramatic.

FreddyHG · 05/09/2022 12:42

My younger sister has been massively subsidised. It's up to my parents how they want to spend their money. Don't rely on anyone and look after yourself.

Spudina · 05/09/2022 12:43

@WaffleIron its not really about the money though is it? It’s about one person being treated more favourably. It’s pretty hurtful OP. I’d be annoyed too.

Ylvamoon · 05/09/2022 12:46

I have 2 DC, one is very proud and independent. This DC likes things their way and has difficulties accepting help. Financial or otherwise.

DC2 needs more encouragement and often lucks confidence Helping them financial or otherwise is a way of building confidence and opening up their world- no such issues with DC1!

I would help both DC equally, but I also respect their wishes and personality.

OP I assume you are more like my DC 1 ... as parents we help the ones that struggle the most. But then again, if you come and ask for help, you'll still get it!

RaininSummer · 05/09/2022 12:47

A drastic response. Don't you actually like your family?

dmask · 05/09/2022 12:51

My parents gave my sibling more help as they could afford it at the time. I know they would have done the same for me if they had the money. I didn’t need the money when they helped them out, and I don’t feel resentful. I’m pleased for my sibling that they got the help.

Applefruitcake · 05/09/2022 12:53

Maybe your parents are in a better financial position now than back when you were at uni.?

I do understand the unfairness but moving to another country so you can cut contact seems a bit of an over-reaction.

Maybe you should have an adult discussion with them, that might help you figure out the reason behind the difference. They may not have realised the unfairness and how you feel about it.

StClare101 · 05/09/2022 12:58

Unfairness from parents sucks. I wouldn’t move overseas (tad dramatic!) but I’d definitely let them know I thought it was unfair and I would be less proactive in contacting them.

Dibbydoos · 05/09/2022 13:15

If I could tell my younger self to do one thing, it would be to work overseas early in ny career. I didn't, so we'll played you!

My parents supported my YS. She now tells me I have no idea how much she's given my DS and honestly I don't care. What I do care about is my DS saying she's bought something when it's my DM who's bought it. The latest was a £2k pushchair for my DN. I can't stand the deceit!

PattyMelt · 05/09/2022 13:15

We don't more to one than the others. We supported one through Uni and gave money for a deposit on a house. Second one we supported through local college (A lot cheaper) and have subsidised him in other ways as his college was less expensive. His house money I sitting waiting. Third one goes to Uni next year and will be subsidised like the first and get house money too.
All very different personalities all different expectations of income but treated the same as we love them all and don't want anyone to feel like they don't count as much as they others. I would hate to drive a wedge between them and want them to have good relationships with each other once we are gone.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 05/09/2022 13:25

It's understandable, I think, how OP is feeling, forget about the money, it's the favouritism.
@DibbydoosI get this too, as have sibling who (for reasons I understand) gets lots of handouts. I've said I don't want to know what parent gives them as I think this would raise feelings of jealousy, but

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 05/09/2022 13:28

Whoops hit post instead 🤣
..but...sibling pretends that they get nothing extra which is annoying when they pretend to others that they are hard done to

HotWashCycle · 05/09/2022 13:46

DibbyDoos
Could it be that your D Sis knows its unfair and wants to protect you from the hurt that your parents are favouring her with cash? Perhaps the "deceit" is meant kindly?

Sphinx2 · 05/09/2022 13:50

My older sister has always had more help than me, but she has disabilities and can't work. I have always worked for every single penny, paid for everything myself but I don't begrudge my family for doing so, because she's got disabilities. However, I can understand how you feel, especially if she's physically capable of working and can't be bothered.

Hyacinth2 · 05/09/2022 17:35

Have you told DC1 that you want to give them the same as you are giving to DC2 or are you making assumptions that they don't want it

Hyacinth2 · 05/09/2022 17:37

Ylvamoon · 05/09/2022 12:46

I have 2 DC, one is very proud and independent. This DC likes things their way and has difficulties accepting help. Financial or otherwise.

DC2 needs more encouragement and often lucks confidence Helping them financial or otherwise is a way of building confidence and opening up their world- no such issues with DC1!

I would help both DC equally, but I also respect their wishes and personality.

OP I assume you are more like my DC 1 ... as parents we help the ones that struggle the most. But then again, if you come and ask for help, you'll still get it!

That was in response to Ylvmoon

Andromachehadabadday · 05/09/2022 17:39

Have you actually had a conversation with them about this?

LaundryBin · 05/09/2022 17:41

My parents have supported my sister much more than me, as she needed more support and they were in a position to give it. Unless there's an enormous backstory you'd be VVV unreasonable to move abroad and drop contact. What would that achieve?

KTheGrey · 05/09/2022 19:11

I am not clear - did they not pay anything towards your uni costs either?