Page 2 | Parents financially support younger sister

Ruthfulmum · 2022-09-05T11:07:25+00:00

Hi, I finished University and took a gap year to travel overseas and did small jobs while I was traveling. I also had a lot of student loan debt. My younger sister has just finished uni and doing gap year. She had 50% of uni costs coveted by my parents and now she’s not working nor looking for work while on gap year and parents are giving her monthly support. I am feeling quiet hurt by this and decided to move overseas and have minimal contact if any. Am I being unreasonable?

KTheGrey · 05/09/2022 19:16

Also I suspect that quite a number of ex pats move abroad because there is no incentive to stay in their home country. One stays near one's family for support, emotional and social and financial, and if you don't get it, there's no reason to limit your choices that way.

Travis1 · 05/09/2022 19:19

Sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back

Original poster

Ruthfulmum · 06/09/2022 00:34

Thank you everyone. It is the unfairness of it. If there was communication like oh Ruth, we have more money now than when you were at University... we could have supported you and now we are in a position to support your sis... at least let there be open communication instead of the hush-hush.
I don’t know, maybe parents get softer as they get older and don’t push younger ones: her boyfriend allowed to stay over during uni holidays but they’d frown if I did not that I would, her 21st birthday party and I had a lunch at home 4 years before. I guess, I am jealous 😂

In my family, I never felt like I could openly talk to my parents openly when they have upset me so I always let them do them and I do me and let my sister do her.
The advantage is that I get fend for myself and am always looking for ways to support myself. It’s just small things over the years that accumulate and bring hurts. Now by sister can see the drill and takes advantage of situations. The downside is that she hasn’t toughen up...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ruthfulmum · 06/09/2022 06:34

They didn’t pay anything except to air ticket in my last year to come home for Christmas. I came out with 76k in debt which I am nearly finished paying.

OP posts:

W0tnow · 06/09/2022 06:41

76k?? Where did you study?

Original poster

Ruthfulmum · 06/09/2022 11:08

Lol, I did a double degree 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

ilyx · 06/09/2022 11:16

WaffleIron · 05/09/2022 12:32

I always find it weird on this forum just how much people begrudge others for receiving money. It's more prevalent on here than any other social space I've seen online.

Are people really that consumed by jealousy these days? The amount of furious threads of people ranting about others receiving money in wills, or by other other means is startling.

I'm not particularly well off at all, but even then I can't ever imagine being upset about my brother/sister receiving more money from a family member than me. It's not my money so I don't care what others do with it or whether it's perceived as fair.

Because it’s blatant favouritism and cruel to treat your kids differently

everywoman682 · 06/09/2022 11:19

@ilyx exactly.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 11:23

YANBU

I'd cut parents for far less

ChickinMarango · 06/09/2022 11:28

I voted YABU but not because of the situation, just that you would rather move abroad and go NC rather than chat to them.

I think it will be hard but you definitely need to highlight the disparity. We have money saved for both our DC’s but one is four years older and now situations are changing with our finances. We will always ensure they receive the same treatment, especially with important/large finances.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 06/09/2022 11:35

Many years ago a couple spent 1k on one dc's expected dc and 50 quid on another's... How can they think that was acceptable?
Can't imagine treating my ds's /dd's so differently...
Yanbu op.

GrolliffetheDragon · 06/09/2022 11:40

madaboutsaffron · 05/09/2022 12:36

It's rarely about the money though. It's the sense of unfairness. It's a horrible incredibly damaging feeling to have parents who favour a sibling.

This, though in my case it's complicated. My DSis (5 years younger than me) had a lot of financial support through uni, but seems resentful of the extra help I've had more recently. To me the balance looks pretty equal, to her it doesn't.

I don't make a big thing of it, though it does sting a bit when she is financially better off and much more secure in just about everyway and makes little digs sometimes. I also know it's not just about the money, but I'm over trying to fix things that were not my fault - that just left me feeling taken advantage of and did nothing to change the situation.

Dotjones · 06/09/2022 12:06

YABU because as the elder child you have inherent advantages over younger siblings. It's natural that the younger child needs more support to put them in the same position the elder one naturally has.

It's the same with support for disabled people. Treating them equally is not necessarily equality, they may need individual adjustments and more support to move them closer to the position of inherent advantage an able person might have.

For instance, treating an employee in a wheelchair "equally" by insisting they use the stairs like the able bodied employees do would not be acceptable, the employer would be expected to make reasonable adjustments (at a cost) like a ramp or lift.

The eldest child has many unseen advantages which younger siblings will never have. For example, the older child will be seen as more responsible than their sibling. When you were 8, you were more responsible than your 4 year old sister. When you were 12, you were more responsible than your 8 year old sister. But her as an 8 year old would not have the advantage that you had as an 8 year old, because you were the most developed child when you were 8 and she wasn't.

Then there are things like hand-me-downs that psychologically tell the younger child they're not as important as their older sibling. They don't deserve new stuff, they only deserve things the older child doesn't want or need any longer. This is the sort of thing that means it's only right that younger children get more support than their older siblings.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 12:08

Dotjones · 06/09/2022 12:06

YABU because as the elder child you have inherent advantages over younger siblings. It's natural that the younger child needs more support to put them in the same position the elder one naturally has.

It's the same with support for disabled people. Treating them equally is not necessarily equality, they may need individual adjustments and more support to move them closer to the position of inherent advantage an able person might have.

For instance, treating an employee in a wheelchair "equally" by insisting they use the stairs like the able bodied employees do would not be acceptable, the employer would be expected to make reasonable adjustments (at a cost) like a ramp or lift.

The eldest child has many unseen advantages which younger siblings will never have. For example, the older child will be seen as more responsible than their sibling. When you were 8, you were more responsible than your 4 year old sister. When you were 12, you were more responsible than your 8 year old sister. But her as an 8 year old would not have the advantage that you had as an 8 year old, because you were the most developed child when you were 8 and she wasn't.

Then there are things like hand-me-downs that psychologically tell the younger child they're not as important as their older sibling. They don't deserve new stuff, they only deserve things the older child doesn't want or need any longer. This is the sort of thing that means it's only right that younger children get more support than their older siblings.

Wtf is this?

Please get some help if this is genuinely what you believe

everywoman682 · 06/09/2022 12:12

@Dotjones what a ridiculous load of assumptions. There may be inherent advantages that eg: a younger child gets over a middle child, such as more parental 1:1 time when older siblings are in school.
Or sometimes both parents work when they have just one child (so less 1:1 time) but have a SAHP once they have the second child.
Also many parents use second hand clothes passed on from friends and relatives from the word go, so it's not like every first born child has a brand new wardrobe and subsequent children never do.
And to compare this situation with a wheelchair user and an able bodied person is frankly absurd
It's really really shitty of parents to treat their children with such a lack of equity.

Butchyrestingface · 06/09/2022 12:51

@Dotjones

What have I just read?

VestaTilley · 06/09/2022 13:25

You’re going low contact and moving abroad when you don’t know the full details? Totally over dramatic and disproportionate.

Unless there’s some genuine example of serious favouritism going on you’re being unreasonable. Why not ask your parents first? Why not tell them you feel hurt? Why not ask if there’s something going on with you sister that’s causing them to support her more - maybe illness etc that you don’t know about?