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AIBU?

AIBU - I'm feeling so hurt.

28 replies

lb66 · 05/09/2022 04:34

My DD applied to go on a game show here in our homeland. A few months back she thought she may be a last minute fill in and asked me if I were able to drive her to the city for the taping of it, naturally, all this is confidential. Just for the record, I absolutely hate driving in big cities these days, but I said yes. That didn't happen, so fast forward a few months and she gets an email for a date to go for the taping.

She gets a lift to the city with her brother and his GF and off they go. Now, DD has known about this for over a month, I only find out yesterday. Everyone knew about this but me, her own mother. My own DM, my two nephews (12 & 13), my DS, even my son's girlfriend (of only a few weeks) knew before I did.

Here is why I'm so hurt.

When she was OS, having the time of her life, too busy to sleep, calls me up in tears wanting to come home as she's had enough. I calm her down, talk her through it, all while she's sitting outside the airport halfway across the world as she can't get into check-in until a certain time.

Then just earlier this year she's OS again and the evening before she's due to fly home, tests positive for covid and is stranded there for an extra week. It's 3am here and she calls me, again in tears, not knowing what to do, in a panic, trying to change flights etc.

So I'm good enough to phone when she's stranded, over tired, needs rides into the city etc, but she can't tell me about something this exciting about a game show until 2 weeks after she's been for the taping.

For the record, she doesn't live at home anymore.

I'm sorry, I'm just really hurt.

Tell me IBU so I can start feeling better.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

138 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
78%
You are NOT being unreasonable
22%
Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2022 04:41

Surely she is ringing you for the important stuff? The stuff that matters. The game show is just trivia. Maybe she didn’t trust you not to get excited & tell everyone about the game show?

My young adult son is very open about some areas of his life & keeps in very regular contact. He’s utterly private about other things. Surely as it should be?

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2022 04:41

You need to ask her why she didn't tell you. If she had have would you have wanted to drive her, or do you let her make what plans she wants? Would you want a bit too much involvement for her liking? Just because she replies on you for emotional support doesn't mean that she has to share everything with you. You are her Mum and unfortunately we get landed with the grunt work.

Nekomata · 05/09/2022 05:19

I also think just ask her why she didn't tell you.

littlemisscreative · 05/09/2022 05:23

I totally understand you would feel hurt OP your at the stage in your relationship with your daughter where your not just there for the bad stuff but part of the fun events too.

if everyone but you knew could it be she might of thought she had mentioned it already to you? I would probably ask her to be honest.

NewIdeasToday · 05/09/2022 05:34

Have you ever heard this expression / explanation?

“Parents should provide their children with roots and wings.

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings.

Good parents give their children roots and wings: roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them.”


To me this is the heart of good parenting. And it sounds like that’s exactly what you’ve done.

Your daughter knows that you’ll always be there for her when she needs you - firm roots.

And you’ve also helped her develop the confidence to fly - to fearlessly try things out on her own.

So you could celebrate this.

JulesCobb · 05/09/2022 05:39

Everyone knew about this but me, her own mother
this sentence stood out for me. The second half in particular. Sounds like something my narcissist mother would say. As she has to make everything about herself. She cannot help herself.

Bukhara · 05/09/2022 05:43

How old is she? I think I may see from the aggrieved tone of your post why a young woman — assuming she’s young — might want to maintain some privacy from her mother. I agree with a pp about roots and wings.

PriOn1 · 05/09/2022 05:47

You are not being remotely unreasonable. However I suspect I was similar when I was younger. When I was having a good time, I didn’t need my mum and tended to forget to call, bit when I needed her (because she was my rock) then I did.

She was my rock through giving birth to my children. Because I wanted her there, she was there to help straight after the birth. She was there for me when I left my abusive husband. I know that if I really needed to, I could still go home and they would take me in, and I’m in my fifties.

I’m now trying to build the same relationship with my children. They call me when they need me too, and for that, I am honestly happy.

Now I’m much older and worrying about how much longer my mum has left. I would do anything for my her. If she wanted to come and live with me, she’d be welcomed in in an instant, because the love she showed me goes both ways. I know I’ve taken more than given, but I think, to an extent, that goes with the territory of motherhood.

Your daughter needs you and trusts you and in time, I think she’ll come to appreciate you and share the important things with you. For now, support her when she needs it. You can tell her you’d have liked to have been there, but don’t make it a big deal, because in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 05:49

Seriously op, you need to develop a whole life of your own, you are hyperfocusing on your dd's life and it is toxic and unhealthy.

I am guessing she thought she had told you about the game show but it had slipped her mind, but didn't ask you to drive as she knows you hate it - which is very considerate of her.

I always want my children to call me if something happens to them.
You are her mother, of course she is going to ring in an emergency - getting stranded with covid is a very scary experience for her.

I am sorry op, you sound bitter and jealous - aren't you happy she is 'having the time of her life' surely that is what we want for all of our young people?

I suggest some counselling, and some focus and development on your own hobbies. lifestyle and friendships so you can have an equally enriched life, and you won't erode your dd's relationship with jealousy and pettiness.

lovelilies · 05/09/2022 07:58

That reads a bit weird to me.
I think you need to let go, she calls you when she's sad (that's good) and otherwise gets on with her life. My DD is 17 and in the RAF. I get the sad phone calls, it's hard! When it's going well she's too busy to call me, and I'm just glad she's happy!

Meraas · 05/09/2022 08:20

What is OS?

I can see why you’re hurt but leave it this time. If you notice it happens a couple more times, where your own mum is told before you) then have a word.

Wilkolampshade · 05/09/2022 08:28

No, YANBU to feel hurt, your feelings are perfectly valid OP. what they are. It's not jealousy, or bitterness or an inability to grow a life of your own as other PP's have suggested, good grief, what ageist nonsense 🙄
I suspect you know that in many ways, that she chooses this pattern of communication is in fact a sign of decent parenting, but yes, it would be nice if they could share the fun stuff just as freely...
However, this just isn't the nature of the beast I'm afraid OP. She'll probably come back to you a bit later, when she's more secure in her own independence.

PremiumPiglet · 05/09/2022 08:30

Live your own life
don’t depend on your adult children to be your life

LuaDipa · 05/09/2022 08:33

It’s not ideal but it’s absolutely normal for kids to call when they need you and not bother when they don’t. It’s not personal and is no reflection on your relationship. You need to stop making it about you and just be happy that she is happy.

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 05/09/2022 08:39

I would go nc if a relative of mine went on a game show!

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 08:52

Surely she is ringing you for the important stuff? The stuff that matters. The game show is just trivia.

I'd be hurt too, OP. But that is how they are, they only want you when they need you - for the rest of the time they are busy living their lives which is what they should be.

I don't think it's narcissistic to want to hear from your own offspring outside the panicky moments when they know that you will never leave them hanging. It does suck and it does hurt. But, tbh, that is the way of things.

(Had a moment with one of mine when they were over on a Sunday evening and i said, "just off for the weekly call to my mum" and when i got back they were all "shit, sorry, i never do that". Although since we message daily, and don't live far apart, it's not an issue for me at all)

Musti · 05/09/2022 08:55

Ha! Completely normal. They always need their mums when they’re struggling.

ThisIsNotTheNews · 05/09/2022 09:27

I think she sounds very normal. My own daughter does much the same, phones me in tears when the chips are down, phones everyone else when life is good. Oh the joy of being the mum!

ThisIsNotTheNews · 05/09/2022 09:28

JulesCobb · 05/09/2022 05:39

Everyone knew about this but me, her own mother
this sentence stood out for me. The second half in particular. Sounds like something my narcissist mother would say. As she has to make everything about herself. She cannot help herself.

Really not cool to armchair diagnose, especially when someone is feeling upset. If anything, you are the one making this about you.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2022 09:30

Tell her how you feel. Baby to be a martyr and seethe quietly.

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 09:35

I have no idea what OS is?

But YANBU.

Your child contacts you for her upset regularly but everyone else with happy news?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect consideration from your children.

This assumption that mothers have no feelings and should suck it up is not right IMO.

Children learn consideration of others from their parents.

Thinking anyone is just their to be used is not acceptable.

I think it is very reasonable to ask why she chose not to tell you?

She lives away from home.

Well I would be thinking she needs to grow up a bit and be told that you expect more than to only hear from her when she is upset and needs something.

We teach people how to treat us.

It is not acceptable to ONLY be contacted when a person is upset and needs something, even if it is your child.

Is this the case OP?

Does she call you for a happy chat and catch up?

If not, say it to her very calmly, without a load of emotion.

Notimeforaname · 05/09/2022 09:37

What's OS? So she told you she needed a lift to a big city bit didn't tell you it was abroad? Sorry if I havnt got this right. Tad confusing to read.

Festoonlights · 05/09/2022 10:21

billy1966 · 05/09/2022 09:35

I have no idea what OS is?

But YANBU.

Your child contacts you for her upset regularly but everyone else with happy news?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect consideration from your children.

This assumption that mothers have no feelings and should suck it up is not right IMO.

Children learn consideration of others from their parents.

Thinking anyone is just their to be used is not acceptable.

I think it is very reasonable to ask why she chose not to tell you?

She lives away from home.

Well I would be thinking she needs to grow up a bit and be told that you expect more than to only hear from her when she is upset and needs something.

We teach people how to treat us.

It is not acceptable to ONLY be contacted when a person is upset and needs something, even if it is your child.

Is this the case OP?

Does she call you for a happy chat and catch up?

If not, say it to her very calmly, without a load of emotion.

I usually agree with billy but not on this.

A few months back she thought she may be a last minute fill in and asked me if I were able to drive her to the city for the taping of it, naturally, all this is confidential

She clearly DOES share happy news with her mother. See the op. I am sure this is one of many many examples.

OS- I assume means overseas where the dd was 'having the time of her life' well, are you not happy for your children enjoying themselves? Is this not a result of a good job done? In terms of parenting.

I am afraid many adult children do not see their parents as the first port of call in an emergency, because the relationship is so weak/fractured. As a result many of us see a call in the middle of the night as a good thing. I always want to be the person my children can rely on.

It is not disrespectful to not share every update with your mother
It is not disrespectful to ask someone else to drive you if your mother hates driving in cities
It is not disrespectful to turn to someone you trust if you are sick with covid and thousands of miles from home

What is disrespectful to the dd is quite feeling bitter about her adventures, and not being content to sometimes take a back seat. Life does not start and end with you any longer, your dd will have other priorities in time, but she will always love you and by the sounds of it, you will always be a go to person - so as a mother you have clearly done a great job and are having trouble letting go.

Brefugee · 05/09/2022 10:36

She clearly DOES share happy news with her mother. See the op. I am sure this is one of many many examples.

she may have only told her because she needed a lift - when she was getting a lift from someone else, mum didn't get a look in.

it stings - but that is how some kids are, no matter how you bring them up. It is ok to be hurt by this. TBH i wouldn't talk to her about it because it's likely to lead to even less contact than before. Wave and smile, OP, and be prepared for this to be the pattern of contact until your daughter develops a bit more empathy. Possibly when/if she has her own DCs, possibly never.

Loics · 05/09/2022 10:45

I assumed OS was overseas, since OP mentions flights home, etc.

I think YANBU. I do talk to my mother when I'm worried it upset about something, but equally I tell her about positive things that have happened/are happening, because I don't want to just contact her about negative things! Mine are both very little so I don't have experience of this, but I would be upset if every other close family member knew about something like this and I was left in the dark. I'd feel a bit silly and wonder why I was left out.

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