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AIBU?

To not want them to come?

32 replies

LittleMeal · 04/09/2022 20:56

It's my birthday next week and me and DH are due to go out for a meal at a restaurant I've chosen.

We have arranged for our young (baby and toddler) DC to be away for the night with grandparents and I'm really looking forward to it.

My husband is now saying it would be nice to bring his older children, DSS (12) and DSD (10) because they don't often get to eat out and we don't often get to spend time with them without the little ones and they have just returned from a 2 week holiday with their grandparents last night so he hasn't seen them much recently although we will see them for one night before we go for this meal when it's our usual time so not like he won't see them at all before this meal. He wants to ask their mum if they can stay with us that night (not our usual night with them).

He doesn't understand my reluctance and thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want them there.

To be fair we do get free time, not ALL the time it's still pretty full on with the little ones but my parents are always happy to help so we can go out together or have a night off when we need one which is very fortunate.

However, I don't want my birthday meal being child focused. Different if they were meant to be with us that night I'd probably have not bothered arranging anything for the other two and we could have all gone out together and had a bit more of a child friendly meal out but was looking forward to a grown up meal in a nice restaurant and a bottle of wine or two!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

336 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/09/2022 20:57

If it was his birthday I think it would be fair enough, but as it’s your birthday YANBU.

britespark1 · 04/09/2022 20:58

If it was his birthday that would be fair enough. It’s not.

SeasonFinale · 04/09/2022 20:59

Suggest you all go for a family meal including your own kids ON ANOTHER DAY. This is a date night occasion.

MomwasCasual · 04/09/2022 20:59

"No not on my birthday but we'll do that next time"

LittleMeal · 04/09/2022 21:00

The thing that's making me feel bad is that he's not seen them for 2 weeks. Which I get and happy for them to come more often but just not this particular night.

OP posts:
Flutterbybudget · 04/09/2022 21:00

I don’t think YABU but you need to be careful how you word it.
“I don’t want your children to come with us” not great
”I was rather hoping to make the most of a romantic and somewhat naughty child free night with you, it’s been a while” maybe a better approach
Do either of you drink alcohol? Because sometimes just being able to let your hair down without having to get up early up early with kids is a godsend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 21:01

He’s being selfish and ridiculous. If he’s going to insist then take someone else out to lunch and book yourself a night in a hotel. You want a child free birthday meal. That’s what you must have.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2022 21:03

Flutterbybudget · 04/09/2022 21:00

I don’t think YABU but you need to be careful how you word it.
“I don’t want your children to come with us” not great
”I was rather hoping to make the most of a romantic and somewhat naughty child free night with you, it’s been a while” maybe a better approach
Do either of you drink alcohol? Because sometimes just being able to let your hair down without having to get up early up early with kids is a godsend.

Nothing wrong with “I don’t want any children to come with us”. His feelings don’t trump OP’s. She’s only expecting what the two of them already agreed.

StopFeckingFaffing · 04/09/2022 21:04

YANBU

Surely the point of arranging childcare is so can have a childfree evening. Defeats the point if you then invite the step kids.

Agree with others that if it was his birthday then fair enough but not on your birthday

CactusBlossom · 04/09/2022 21:05

LittleMeal · 04/09/2022 21:00

The thing that's making me feel bad is that he's not seen them for 2 weeks. Which I get and happy for them to come more often but just not this particular night.

The reason he hasn't seen them for two weeks is because they were on holiday with their grandparents. Presumably he didn't sit around moping while they were away. Your parents are helping you out by taking the little ones so you two can have a celebration birthday meal together.

I'd suggest just the two of you for the birthday meal (as you had planned), and then a meal all together -- adults and children. If that doesn't sit well with him, let him have the children for a meal and celebrate your birthday with a friend instead.

Mumspair1 · 04/09/2022 21:05

Yanbu, you made arrangements for your own kids not to be there so why on earth would you want his kids? It would completely change the dynamic and its your birthday. They can come on any other night and he can take all his kids out.

Dragmedown · 04/09/2022 21:26

LittleMeal · 04/09/2022 21:00

The thing that's making me feel bad is that he's not seen them for 2 weeks. Which I get and happy for them to come more often but just not this particular night.

But by your birthday meal he will have seen them. I think he needs to be more accepting of the compromises that come with life as a divorced parent. But they are his compromises not yours.

creamwitheverything · 04/09/2022 21:32

No ...sorry not this time should be enough.

pimlicoanna · 04/09/2022 21:33

That's a lovely idea for his birthday. It's not for him to dictate how you enjoy your birthday! He's being pretty selfish

Shinyandnew1 · 04/09/2022 21:35

He wants to ask their mum if they can stay with us that night (not our usual night with them).

Nope-it’s your birthday. I hope you’ve said no!

Justcashnosweets · 04/09/2022 21:37

No chance. He doesn't get to dictate who you spend your birthday with. He can see his kids the day after!

NotJustAnybody · 04/09/2022 21:37

I'm thinking maybe the ex has asked him to have them an extra night as he hasn't seen them for so long (not his fault). Otherwise, why oh why did he allow you to arrange child care for your own 2! Just doesn't make sense.
Tell him it's not happening. You are looking forward to a child free night! That's not unreasonable.

Suncreamqueen · 04/09/2022 21:58

Can you all do a special lunch or something the next day?

TheEggChair · 04/09/2022 22:01

Organise a birthday brunch the next day with all of the children and you still keep your original dinner plans.

ManateeFair · 04/09/2022 22:10

LittleMeal · 04/09/2022 21:00

The thing that's making me feel bad is that he's not seen them for 2 weeks. Which I get and happy for them to come more often but just not this particular night.

@LittleMeal But, as you said, he will be seeing them between now and your birthday. So by the time your birthday meal comes round, it will not be two weeks since he last saw them.

He’s being selfish. It’s not your fault he hasn’t seen his kids. If he wants to take them out for a meal he can do that on his own birthday (or indeed any other time) rather than hijacking your birthday. And I would say exactly the same if they were your own children rather than his.

lunar1 · 04/09/2022 22:17

It's fair enough for you to say no on this occasion, but it does sound like he could do with making sure the get some proper time with him without having to meet the needs of much younger siblings.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2022 22:44

YANBU. It's really selfish and ridiculous of him to expect you to want him to do this, and bizarre of him to not see that if you're deliberately not having your children there, you're obviously not going to want his there.

saraclara · 04/09/2022 22:57

"It's my birthday. I want it to be just us. That's why my parents are having the kids."

SummerInSun · 04/09/2022 23:48

Just tell him that it's the perfect plan for his birthday / Father's Day and that's what you'll arrange for his next celebration, but this is your birthday, and your parents are going to a lot of trouble to give you some child-free time and it's not what you had in mind or why they are doing you the favour.

mamabear715 · 04/09/2022 23:50

Hell NO.

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