To think this can’t be normal?

[Mumofthreeandme]

Eldest DS is 6.5, starting year 2 next week.

He’s been especially challenging since about July, and steadily worse throughout the summer.

Today, he spat at DH twice (spitting = raspberry) which is a new thing he’s started up the last few weeks, often in response to being told off/to do something etc. The first time DH had warned him he’d lose TV, so when he did it again, he lost evening TV.

All evening, while his siblings have been in another room watching a film, he has wailed he is bored, nobody likes him, he has nothing to do, he has not let up. DH has the football on whilst cooking in the kitchen, and I have been upstairs having a sort out. He hasn’t tried to amuse himself at all.

He’s not always like this, but lately he has honestly been a nightmare - rude to us all, has an answer to everything, constantly answering back. I have tried talking to him about his feelings, I am consistent with consequences (as is DH as you can see in the screen time loss above), and I am not proud to say I have absolutely lost it at him more times than I can count on one hand during these holidays. I have taken to ignoring when he’s being really rude (example is earlier when he was taking forever to get his socks on - to look for school shoes for HIM, I might add) and I kept having to call him to hurry up. He came down, saying how mean I was, saying how he doesn’t care about me, etc etc. I completely blanked him and busied myself on my phone, and he then came over, said sorry and hugged me. So I’d like to say the ignoring worked, but it’s so hard to not respond when he’s being such a pain. And something similar happens again in the next hour so it’s not like he’s learning from it.

@MyBrilliantFriend thats exactly what DH and I plan to do tonight. DH is a great dad
and husband but gets frustrated easily and it won’t be an easy conversation, as it feels like all we talk about is DS and his behaviour and we’ve both had enough of how much it dominates our lives.

@nokidshere that’s exactly right, it’s only teaching him to respond with anger and outbursts. I have an anger problem for sure and am just like my DF who would blow a gasket and then be fine once he’d let it all out. But it’s not the way I want to parent.

@waterrat I grew up in a house of all girls and we were all expected to be quiet, mild mannered, never show off, placid. Mumsnet is a funny place as I often read about high expectations and think many “wouldn’t stand” for behaviour like kicking and raspberries in their parents’ faces. But it seems that’s not the case on this thread. I’ve lost sight of what is minor behaviour and what isn’t, for a 6 year old.

I understand - I also grew up in an all female household - my mum and me and my sisters - my mum is not used to the high energy of my own kids, I think me and my sisters were 'readers' always head down in a book and rarely spoke up much ! (I made up for it in my wild teens ha)

I have to say I don't recognise the idea that on mumsnet / or anywhere - people would think that a child should be punished for blowing a rasberry/ kicking a sofa in a huff - I have an 8 and 10 year old and spend a lot of time with children - lots of neices/ nephews and work from home so Im often in the park etc after school with lots of kids - and all I can say from my perspective is it just seems like run of the mill grumpy tired/ over excited whatever kids - just v normal and part of day to day life with children.

Also, I do begrudge the games in place of TV that he’s lost as it feels like it’s negating the punishment and he’s being rewarded, albeit in a different way.

Spending time with your child isn’t a reward for them, it’s about meeting their needs. I often do a “time in” with my two if they’re struggling with their behaviour - so we’ll stop doing whatever sparked the behaviour and do some reading, a quick game or whatever, just enough to break the moment and settle them. Expecting a 6 year old to entertain themselves while everyone is watching a movie is too much.

Think of his behaviour as communication, what is he trying to tell you - that he needs attention, that he disagrees with your decision making, doesn’t want to do whatever it is? Then think of how you can verbalise that for him eg I know you want to wear your new shoes this morning and are disappointed I won’t let you”, then find a way forward.

I’d also be picking my battles, ask yourself will this matter this time next week, if the answer is “no”, let it go.

I wonder whether you're a bit hard on him and it's having the opposite effect to the one you want?

The fact you called blowing a raspberry spitting make me wonder if you're OTT. They're not the same thing at all. I know you clarified, but your first reaction was to go for the dramatic.

I guess my response was that 6 is still a very very small boy.

I can be hard to see when you have two even younger, but I wonder if you are expecting too much.

Yes I think we have always expected a lot of him. He was an early talker and always seemed older, my middle child is a similar age to my eldest when he first got a new sibling and we are definitely much softer on the younger ones (well the youngest is a baby so of course there’s not much discipline there!). He (eldest) hasn’t always had a smooth time at nursery and school either so I think we clamp down firmer in response to that.

I would agree with the immediate reaction and punishment for bad behaviour. In the car, I would have stopped the car and said ‘we’re not going any further until you apologise and promise to behave.’ And if he misbehaved again, repeat. It’s a pain but it will eventually lead to stress free journeys. Don’t send him to his room or he will see his room in a negative way when it should be his sanctuary. Time out works really well. When my son was little the Ed psychologist told me to sit him on the stairs and sit with him if he refused to stay there with an arm in front to keep him there. And don’t engage until they are quiet and composed and ready to say sorry. These methods are hard work initially but they pay dividends. I can say that with experience.