Friend asking too much?

[foibles2011]

I've posted here because maybe I am being unreasonable??? I have a mum friend who I feel is taking the p*&% because she always wants something from me.

For example I got back from holiday on Thursday and messaged her to say hi and got a message back with a list of four dates going through until January when she wanted me to babysit because she was "planning ahead". When I said I couldn't do two of the four (one because it was christmas week and I wanted to be with family and one because my husband was away so I would have no child care) she asked for alternative dates. I said I could do one of the alternatives around Christmas because I felt guilty that it was her birthday but not the other as it was around the time I might be moving house.

She then said we'll if you can't do the October one can you do tomorrow night instead!!! Which I said no to as i had plans with my kids. She knows that I have an autoimmune condition which leaves me exhausted, work myself and obviously have my own family but this is becoming more and more regular - I'm probably looking after her kids every two or three weeks so she can go out. To be fair she is having mine when I go to a wedding at the end of September but it will only be the second time in a year. Every time she asks me she makes me feel bad there is always a reason I have to do it and if I say no she wants to know why and wants an alternative day. I end up with no free weekends between my kids social lives and babysitting for her.

This morning she messaged to ask to borrow some of my daughters clothes for her daughter, then some camping equipment, before I went on holiday it was swimming stuff for her kids. There is always something. She also regularly borrows money - it is returned but again its just more that I feel I can't say no to.

I'm also asked to pick her kids up from school and activities if she's running late, or take them with my kids to parties etc etc

We do meet up and go for coffee and take our kids out together but this constant pressure to give all the time is making me resent the friendship and honestly it feels like a chore.

We both have no family support around us and so I've always been happy to help out, when I first met her she was a single mum but she now has a partner who shes had a baby with and I just feel that I'm the only one still giving.

Sorry Ive rambled I guess I'm asking AIBU and if not WWYD?

Thank you 😊

Why is she treating you like you're offering a service?

I'd get someone else to cover the wedding in September and tell her you think the free babysitting and loans aren't working out for you, so you would like to just be friends who hang out without all the obligations attached. If she can't manage that then fair enough, find an actual friend.

Why do you feel you can't say no to someone who treats you like staff and asks you for money and stuff that you don't want to give her?

Yanbu. It sounds very one sided. Do you have any other option for the wedding in September? If so I’d go with it or after the wedding back off from her.

Your choice is to continue to be used or to stop being made a fool of.

Shevis a user, it is that simple.
Say No.

If she asks why tell her you have enough on your own plate.
Thats it.

I would find alternative care for the wedding if you can.

Tot up how many times she has asked you to help versus her reciprocating and give her the facts.

Its not working.

Alternatively block her.
No one needs users in their lives.

Start bloody charging her and saying no to borrowing your kid’s clothes and your camping gear. That’s way too intrusive.

If you don’t want to break the friendship or it’s too difficult for you, perhaps you could ramp up your requests on her.

So make sure each time you babysit for her, she does a reciprocal sit. Borrow money?, clothes, stuff, keep asking for favours.

Try and be an utter pest and maybe she will stop asking.

I don’t like asking for favours, so I appreciate this will be hard, but it might be the only way.

She thinks of you as a doormat, childminder and bank! Why have you let her treat you like this? She has a partner so he should be stepping up to help her with their kids.
Find someone else to cover your childcare for the sept wedding, and just tell her the current arrangements need to change as its no longer working for you.

Text her tomorrow afternoon..
Sorry friend on Dr advice I am doing too much and have to remove myself from any babysitting /childcare duties going forward.
I realise this is awkward but hopefully you can someone to look after little Johnny and keep to your busy schedule..
Coffee once the dc are back at school will be great to catch up.

Op. And feel NO guilt.

You've never just said NO so now she's taking advantage. Use your words, telling her you have enough on with your own DC and life and she'll have to make alternative arrangements in future.

Keep her sweet till the wedding then start saying no

Every time she asks me she makes me feel bad there is always a reason I have to do it and if I say no she wants to know why and wants an alternative day.

She tries to make you feel bad and you let her. You do not need to provide a reason for why you do not want to meet her every demand but it sounds like you've got into the habit of offering one if she asks. Say no and be vague about the reason when she asks. Tell her your busy and if she asks what you're doing say you're busy doing something else. Tell her you no longer own whatever it is she wants to borrow and you're too broke to lend her money. If you stop being convenient for her she will stop asking.

Alternatively you could tackle it head on by having a conversation with her about how you feel under pressure to help out even when you don't have the time, energy or resources. I suspect she would de-prioritise the friendship but I don't think finding out her true colours would be a bad thing.

Wow thank you all for replying so quickly and for being so nice. I do think I'm the biggest problem like a lot of you have said saying no should be simple but I'm a sucker for a sob story and can't stand the thought of letting people down. Not particularly good at conflict either!

For the wedding I don't have another option unfortunately so I need her help but I think those of you that have said it are right after that I maybe need to start being a bit braver and just saying no "because" and letting that be enough x

It's hard to start putting your foot down, OP, but don't let her ask you why and start making excuses. That'll just give her a reason to wear you down about how and why you can do it.

She's harassing you, tell her you're exhausted by her requests and need a break.

I appreciate this is easier said than done, but her behaviour is borderline bullying and needs to be nipped in the bud.

Hi OP, you sound lovely, you really do. Unfortunately your personality can be taken advantage of by people who only see the value in others through what they can do for them. You need to start being firmer with your friendships, or this will continue for the rest of your life.

It feels wrong that you are the one who has to make changes, but your inability to say no, or to be seduced by a sob story leaves you wide open for manipulation.

You don't need to become hard, just watch out. Well done for spotting the inconsistencies in this friendship! When you start saying no, the truth of the friendship will reveal itself. Do you want to be someone's friend because you're useful? or because of who you are?

Just say no, I can’t.

Or if it makes you feel better say ‘Sorry, no I can’t’

And stop relying on her for favours too id you want to put an end to this completely.

No doubt she feels she can ask as she sometimes helps you out too.

I have had friends like this. They are CF and will stop at nothing to get what they want. Mine used to call on landline, mobile, email and WA in an effort to get hold of me. I started fading her out, ignored the call and messages and got back to her 5 days later with 'sorry I missed this...hope you got it all sorted'

Stop being a friend to this woman, she is just using you!!!

I had a string of ready excuses in case she door steps me, which she has been known to do. You are nobody's doormat op. Just become much less available and when she says where have you been, explain nicely that you have been very busy. End of.

After the wedding start saying no more

I was in your situation a few months ago OP. I pulled back and stopped doing so much. She turned nasty. And, the worst part, she lives next door.

She is a complete user. You know what, if you stop doing things for her you won't see her for dust. If you looked at her past you would find dozens and dozens of women who have been through what you're going through and do.

I wouldn't do any babysitting for her. I wouldn't pick up the kids unless she shared that too. I think the only way round this is to snap at her I'm not your fucking servant and then block her, because if you refuse you will lose her as a friend anyway.

Text her four random dates you'd like her to have your children and if she says no ask her for an alternative. Tell her you are "planning ahead", too.

Does she pay you? Does she reciprocate in the car pooling?
If not to above them stop this now. She is not seeing you as a friend. She is a total user.
Just say 'sorry I don't feel I can look after your kids going forward. I've got too much on my plate already'. Might wait til after the a September wedding unless you can get alternate care, but if you do and she kicks off that she had your kids then feel free to itemise all the times you have had her kids and ferried them around.
If you lose this friend over this then that makes it obvious you were not seen as a friend in the first place.

You have to remember, OP, that while your heart is breaking over a sob story, and you are feeling guilty and breaking your back to accommodate someone, that person does not care about your feelings. You worry that you will will seem like a bad person if you don't help, but at the same time you are ignoring very useful feelings inside of you that are telling you that something is wrong with this set up. These feelings are often overlooked and we are conditioned to push them down in order to serve other people. It's great to help out, and it's lovely to do selfless things for others. However, things change when it turns into a form of slavery, coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail.

Listen to that feeling that is telling you something is wrong, remember the fact that she doesn't care about you and tell her no. You may feel anxiety, guilt and discomfort and an overwhelming urge to agree to her demands in order to make those feelings go away.

This is what she is relying on. Instead, sit with those feelings, let them wash over you and keep remembering what I said above. Nobody will respect you if you keep letting them trample all over your boundaries.

Thank you all for your lovely responses and for taking the time. I really don't think she's a bad person maybe she just doesn't think before she acts or have as much awareness of others as maybe she should.

I am going to be stronger and say no, I need to think about how I do that in a comfortable way for me. But your responses really have given me the push I needed so thank you again 😘