Friend asking too much?

[foibles2011]

I've posted here because maybe I am being unreasonable??? I have a mum friend who I feel is taking the p*&% because she always wants something from me.

For example I got back from holiday on Thursday and messaged her to say hi and got a message back with a list of four dates going through until January when she wanted me to babysit because she was "planning ahead". When I said I couldn't do two of the four (one because it was christmas week and I wanted to be with family and one because my husband was away so I would have no child care) she asked for alternative dates. I said I could do one of the alternatives around Christmas because I felt guilty that it was her birthday but not the other as it was around the time I might be moving house.

She then said we'll if you can't do the October one can you do tomorrow night instead!!! Which I said no to as i had plans with my kids. She knows that I have an autoimmune condition which leaves me exhausted, work myself and obviously have my own family but this is becoming more and more regular - I'm probably looking after her kids every two or three weeks so she can go out. To be fair she is having mine when I go to a wedding at the end of September but it will only be the second time in a year. Every time she asks me she makes me feel bad there is always a reason I have to do it and if I say no she wants to know why and wants an alternative day. I end up with no free weekends between my kids social lives and babysitting for her.

This morning she messaged to ask to borrow some of my daughters clothes for her daughter, then some camping equipment, before I went on holiday it was swimming stuff for her kids. There is always something. She also regularly borrows money - it is returned but again its just more that I feel I can't say no to.

I'm also asked to pick her kids up from school and activities if she's running late, or take them with my kids to parties etc etc

We do meet up and go for coffee and take our kids out together but this constant pressure to give all the time is making me resent the friendship and honestly it feels like a chore.

We both have no family support around us and so I've always been happy to help out, when I first met her she was a single mum but she now has a partner who shes had a baby with and I just feel that I'm the only one still giving.

Sorry Ive rambled I guess I'm asking AIBU and if not WWYD?

Thank you 😊

Just make sure every individual request of hers is granted on condition of an equal exchange.
Can you babysit Fri? Sure - then you do Sat and we both get a night off.
Can I borrow your DC clothes? Sure - was just about to ask if you’d collect my DC from school on Tues so I’ll give them to you then, ta.

That sounds suffocating op.

I'd wait till after the wedding and then completely pull back

maybe she just doesn't think before she acts or have as much awareness of others as maybe she should

Or maybe she's just a total user who has found someone she can take for a mug. You sound kind and helpful and some people sense that and latch on to extract as much as they can.

OP - what SHE is is not your problem. What your problem is is the way she and her demands make you feel.

A phrase I have found useful; maybe keep it in reserve for future use/new people:
Potential CF "Can I ask a favour?"
Me (in a friendly, pleasant tone), "Ask away - the worst I can do is say no!"
This can throw a sob story off kilter, raising the possibility that you will not immediately give in, and of course, if you want to, you can agree!
Another useful one is, "Let me check my diary" (code for "I am not waiting for you to find things to keep me busy" and gives you time to gather your thoughts.) but if she's already into "planning ahead" she'll probably be impervious to that one.
Interestingly, I have found that folks appreciate favours more if you can't be taken for granted (and I will genuinely help if I can!)

You are not the hired help.

I can't believe what I've just read. If someone texted me with 4 dates to babysit, my response would be 'are you having a laugh, you monumental bell end'. Why are you entertaining this?

a list of four dates going through until January when she wanted me to babysit because she was "planning ahead". When I said I couldn't do two of the four

Which is the wrong answer. Unless you are desperate to be an unpaid babysitter, just say sorry, can't commit that far in advance.

And don't be available at short notice either.

I feel I can't say no to

Why not? In future, remember that I, a random person in the internet, has given you permission to say no. At the most you can say 'sorry, that doesn't work for me'. That is the most you can say.

The more you practice saying no, the more comfortable you will get at doing it and your life will start to get better.

Start now. I promise you will get more comfortable at it.

She knows that you really need her very occasionally, for things like this wedding. This allows her to ask you for many, many favors, knowing that you won't say no lest she back out of helping you on the few times you need help. If you say no it will not be "letting her down." You need to stop trying to see her as a good person, because by doing so, you are explaining away her very unkind and manipulative behavior towards you. Why does your health come second after your need to see her as a good person? She knows you have a health problem and yet she takes and takes. Maybe she is a good person but she is not a good friend. For your own health, you're going to have to accept that reality, and start saying no. Find other babysitting options, like a childminder or something, so that you cannot be manipulated. Find other friends, or try having a philosophy whereby you can see someone as a good person but also recognise they have flaws you need to avoid being hurt by.

OP there is nothing wrong in saying

"No, because I don't want to"

Get past the wedding and then pull right back. She’s taking the proverbial.

That feeling when you feel she's taking the piss... listen to it. YANBU. After you've got the wedding out of the way, really ask yourself every time if you want to do what she wants you to/is expecting you to do for her, and if you have the energy to do it, or is there something else nicer you would rather do (eg nothing!). It is hard to say no to pushy entitled types, but your life, happiness, and health improves when you do.

OP - I sympathise. It makes me think of that annoying question when you try to point out that someone is taking advantage over turns etc 'Who's keeping count?' It's a rhetorical question but I always boldly say 'Well, I am!'. And so should you. If you want to continue with this relationship, seriously, start keeping a notebook record. Get it out in front of her and write down the dates/hours etc in 2 columns, one for you and one for her. Tell her it's a way of making sure the system is fair - because we all tend to forget these details!!

Only do a favour for her when she has earned one from you.

This problem will only get worse, so don't feel bad about standing up for yourself. She's the one who should feel bad!

OP, you sound like a lovely person. Your so-called friend does not.

May I ask: did your upbringing include a directive that you must never say No when someone asks you to do something? Mine did - and if I was ever less than 250% enthusiastic for something my mother had volunteered me for, her stock response was "Oh, you're dead mean. You won't put yourself out for anyone."

Not until decades (and many regrets) later did I realise that I didn't have to say Yes to everything I was asked to do - and neither do you. Don't let her take advantage of your good nature.

Don't feel bad about saying no, she doesn't see you as a friend. Just an easy touch to provide things / babysitting. take a step back and you will see it for yourself.

wait till after the wedding if you really have nobody else you can ask for that.

OP - you already know what the responses will be on here - are you actually going to do anything about it or just carry on as you are?

The problem with being a martyr is that no one ever feels sorry for you - they just think you're a mug.

Does she only contact you when she wants something or do you also meet up as friends?

You’re being a doormat. Why? Just tell her you can’t commit so far in advance, then remind her you’re bloody knackered and can’t commit full stop. Stop the loans, you’re not a bank.

There have been so many more posts so ill try and answer a few questions and points raised -

Yes I do think she relies on the fact that I need her on the odd occasion - she knows that I have no other support (no family nearby and husband works abroad regularly)

Yes my upbringing does mean I carry a lot of guilt around "saying no" to people anyway

Yes we do go out for coffee and take the kids out to play together

No I don't keep check on "favours" or "turns" - I hate asking in the first place because I feel bad for putting people out

No I didn't know what response I would get to this question on here (MN) I was looking for advice

And no I don't see myself as "being a martyr" @Fancydancer1934 I am not trying to be seen as a victim or gain sympathy but you are of course entitled to your opinion.

And yes I do plan to do something about it now especially after all the lovely supportive comments on here.

Xxx

There's nothing worse, in a friendship, than finding out that you're being used.
The friend is probably someone that you get on really well with, have lots in common with and you enjoy their company but, you find yourself bending your life to suit theirs.

In time, the friend gets used to it and 'forgets' that your supposed to be a friend but your friend is treating you as their support network.

It's hard to do no because you feel like you're letting them down.
The trouble with your friend is that when you've found the courage ( and it takes a lot of courage!) to say 'no' she then questions you then presents you with no wiggle room.
So , you say no, she asks why, you say I'm going out that night then she asks you for an alternative free night that you can do.

You feel like you're lying and that she knows you're lying so you cave.
That's the thing... that's her modus operandi... she KNOWS!!!
You've got to decide whether to let her win ( and she WANTS to get her prize!) or would you like to win, for a change?
It's a competition for her to see if you'll do her bidding. She keeps winning.

She's a freeloading your time and your need to keep her as your friend.

It's quite cruel actually, to treat someone as support staff with the occasional dangle of a cream tea and a catch up... that's all she's giving you in order to keep her support network going.

It's your choice.

OP, she knows exactly what she's doing.

Stop making excuses for her

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps you make so much sense x

This is it OP.

Amazing how often people write that people vanish when they push back and are of no futher use.

Real friends don't behave like her.

She's a user.

You are being used.