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AIBU?

SO did nothing for my birthday

49 replies

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 21:27

So today I turned 35. SO did nothing, no card, cake, nothing. So I decided to tell him I was hurt. He says I'm being unreasonable as

  1. he let me sleep in (I co sleep with our DD he has his own room uninterrupted sleep)
  2. he made breakfast for me (when he woke up for himself at 6 by the time I was up the toast was soggy and cold)
  3. he made dinner ( this I appreciate but it wasn't done "for me" ie like my favourite food etc also was his night to cook in general as I cook week days)
    Am I acting like a brat that he didn't do anything specifically for me to make the day special?
OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

210 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
PurpleMarie · 03/09/2022 21:29

He did do something for you but it wasn’t what you wanted.

Next year chat to him in advance about what you’d like.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 21:46

I think the above post is disingenuous. Do we have to outline basic expectations in a relationship now?

Of course you're right to feel hurt. Where's the card? The gift? The breakfast served hot in bed? Wheres the champagne with your dinner?

Happy birthday OP :)

PurpleMarie · 03/09/2022 21:51

Tierne · 03/09/2022 21:46

I think the above post is disingenuous. Do we have to outline basic expectations in a relationship now?

Of course you're right to feel hurt. Where's the card? The gift? The breakfast served hot in bed? Wheres the champagne with your dinner?

Happy birthday OP :)

I don’t want any of those things for my bday. Everyone is different. Her DH might have thought he was doing something sweet and nice.

So she can get mad on her every year or chat to him.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 21:54

@PurpleMarie
First of all I think you're the exception rather than the norm. Convention says we mark someone's birthday by doing something special for them.
Secondly they have a DD, presumably he knows a little about her personality.
And finally what part of today could be seen as nice or sweet? He gave her some of his breakfast leftovers and cooked dinner as he was meant to according to their rota.

sellthesizzle · 03/09/2022 21:57

YANBU. I'd be upset and hurt that they'd made so little effort to make the day special for you.

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 21:58

I think that's why I'm hurt as I did speak to him two weeks before and I said I don't need anything fancy but just a nice card from you and dd as every year I feel let down. So now I've said it and I feel like he is gaslighting me saying he has done these things listed in OP but nothing he did was "just for me" if that makes sense...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2022 22:03

How crap. What happened in previous years? You say you wanted a card as usual, does he always do at least that and maybe a meal or something?

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:15

For my 20th he forgot,
21st he bought me an ink print cartridge, which he used to print his dissertation.
24-30 sometimes a bunch of flowers
31- card and flowers
32- pregnant so gave me a foot rub 33 and 34 pandemic restrictions but bought a cake and used my dd's candles from her birthday. Every year I just feel he just doesn't plan for it or doesn't care and I've said it hurts me, but he says I'm being a brat

OP posts:
SavingsThreads · 03/09/2022 22:24

Does he expect you to do things for his birthday?

blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 22:25

What do you do for his birthday OP ?

GCAcademic · 03/09/2022 22:28

If this has been going on for 15 years, YABU to expect any different. He obviously knows very well that you just put up with his shit behaviour.

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:33

I make him a card, where I write highlights from the past year and his achievements and wish him well for the next one. I make a cake and buy him a useful gift as he is practical so stuff for his bike and his hobbies. Never flashy just something to make him feel special and loved.

OP posts:
SavingsThreads · 03/09/2022 22:34

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:33

I make him a card, where I write highlights from the past year and his achievements and wish him well for the next one. I make a cake and buy him a useful gift as he is practical so stuff for his bike and his hobbies. Never flashy just something to make him feel special and loved.

Why if he doesn't bother for you?
And what would he think if you stopped?

JulesCobb · 03/09/2022 22:34

Tell him no, none of that was good enough. His actions are simply not good enough. And ask what does he plan to do to make it up for you.

but seriously, op, your standards have been abysmal for over a decade. Why accept it on your 21st?

blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 22:34

So don't do it any more since he cannot be bothered.

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2022 22:38

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:33

I make him a card, where I write highlights from the past year and his achievements and wish him well for the next one. I make a cake and buy him a useful gift as he is practical so stuff for his bike and his hobbies. Never flashy just something to make him feel special and loved.

Well, don't.

He clearly doesn't appreciate it or you.

GreenManalishi · 03/09/2022 22:38

I think after many years of shit or nonexistent birthday efforts you need to hang up your expectations of him and sort yourself out with a treat.

Bluemeadowbaby · 03/09/2022 22:55

I didn't want to read and run...firstly HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 🥳🎂
Secondly, I have been there and it bloody hurts! I've been with my OH for 12 years almost and I've always found my birthday really awkward with him and it makes me feel a bit unloved, unappreciated maybe?... He makes a huge fuss at Christmas but birthdays...hmm not at all...one year I said "I don't need anything" and that was just it...I got absolutely nothing! I cried all day and felt very sorry for myself, I got a little lay in and a breakfast but a sentimental card would've been nice, not one that said (and I kid you not!) "I want to whisper something to you under the covers - sniff my fart!".
Then other years (when his job has been much better) I've been gifted with a trip away - once - some nice little bits and dinner on my request. But I'll always remember this crap birthday! I had such a hissy fit with him and he didn't understand why I was so upset. I'm like you where I like to make things or put a thoughtful gesture to a gift that's sentimental and make a huge deal for that person. In the nicest way, I've come to the conclusion my OH is a bit awkward when it comes to a focus on one person - I still don't understand why - whereas, like Christmas, we all exchange gifts so it's a bit easier. No excuses for him, but just wanted to let you know you're right to feel upset. It is your day & you should be celebrated.
Oh...and just to try and make you smile a bit...I got my comeuppance from the previous birthday absence and gave birth to my little boy on my birthday - so now there is no excuse (I have my private little laugh with myself each year now 😄)
Sending a big hug your way x

EatingWormsMichael · 03/09/2022 23:03

That's really crap. My ex was like this, literally unwrapping a card and writing it in front of me after I reminded him it was mother's day (my 1st mother's day too). They don't understand that you need a bit of acknowledgement, cos it's all "give" when you are a mum.

Happy birthday @hattiebat xx

newbiename · 03/09/2022 23:13

PurpleMarie · 03/09/2022 21:29

He did do something for you but it wasn’t what you wanted.

Next year chat to him in advance about what you’d like.

What did he do for her birthday?

Valid8me · 03/09/2022 23:16

So he's been crap for the last 14 birthdays and all of a sudden you expect him to pull it out of the bag? I'm surprised that you are surprised that this year was crap.

STARCATCHER22 · 03/09/2022 23:19

Having read how terrible he’s been for your last 14 birthdays, you are unreasonable to have expected anything different this year.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/09/2022 23:20

I would have ltb years ago

Neroliiiitstime · 03/09/2022 23:24

hattiebat · 03/09/2022 22:15

For my 20th he forgot,
21st he bought me an ink print cartridge, which he used to print his dissertation.
24-30 sometimes a bunch of flowers
31- card and flowers
32- pregnant so gave me a foot rub 33 and 34 pandemic restrictions but bought a cake and used my dd's candles from her birthday. Every year I just feel he just doesn't plan for it or doesn't care and I've said it hurts me, but he says I'm being a brat

Why are you on here moaning!

You know what he is like.

Cartridges and foot rubs.

Spare us all.

Geppili · 03/09/2022 23:36

He is a terrible role model for DCs. He sounds like a total tight arse who is also gaslighting you by saying he did dinner, when it was his night anyway. He sounds truly dreadful. Happy Bithday! FlowersCake

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