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Original poster

Would You Continue With This Relationship?

38 replies

DoubleCherry · 03/09/2022 16:13

I'll try to summarise. I met a guy through a shared hobby some years ago and was immediately attracted to him. He seemed to be single but he never asked me out, despite being (confirmed by everyone who knew either him or me) being flirtatious and clearly liking me. He seemed to get jealous when he saw me with another guy.

Eventually, he did ask me out, only to change his mind (by text). We continued with the hobby, and to see each other through that a couple of times per week. I remained attracted to him but always had some sort of "feeling" about him that made me nervous. He seemed to act strangely at times, at other times was really frieendly/flirtatious, at other times would completely blanked me. He then asked me out properly. I said no, because I was bothered by his odd behaviour. It then turned out that he had a long term girlfriend - a mutual male friend told me he had mentioned bringing her to his party and he contacted me because he thought there was something between us and he was really surprised he had never mentioned this girlfriend. Apparently, it was long distance.

About a year later, really curious, I contacted him, he asked me out and assuming that he was now single, we went on a date. I assumed the girlfriend was no more. Seemed to be getting on really well, at the end of it, I tried to hold his hand and he said "Sorry, but I'm not really into dating or stuff like that". I asked him about the gf and he said they had split up a while ago. I was mortified and we parted. Later on, I wondered if he had just been looking for a one night hook up.

Still the flirting and attraction through the mutual hobby continued, I contacted him about a year later to meet up for a coffee, we then saw each other a few more times on dates, he invited me round for dinner, we did the deed, we saw each other a few more times, including dates not just sex, everything going great, getting on really well, no arguments, and then he dumped me out of the blue by text. I more or less forced him to meet up for a coffee to do it in person and he was kind of confident and a bit cocky, different from what he was when we had been dating. He was saying all sorts of weird stuff about how he "didn't do relationships" and was unreliable, and not to bother with him, etc.. At this point I should say that he comes across as the most reliable man around, very quiet, a little nerdy, somewhat shy. Always treats me well, not extravagant but not mean either. We just get on well.

A few weeks later, a mutual female friend told me she had gone on a couple of dates with him after matching online around the time he dumped me, she had no reason to believe he wasn't single, he never mentioned me and he dumped her. I don't know if they slept together, I didn't want to hear the answer as it was still quite raw. She was quite mortified.

A couple of years later, we bump into each other, went for a coffee, he invited me round for dinner, I stayed the night and we have now been dating for the past few months, but I still have doubts. I am really attracted to this man and we get on great, but I have these nagging doubts about him and the way he has behaved, nothing I can put my finger on but....but then again, when I am with him, everything is perfect and I've never been happier. Its possible to say that now he is a little older and has been given a nice flat by his parents - he doesn't work full time but does a few hours yoga teaching and fitness training), he feels more able to commit to a relationship.

Again, theres nothing I can put my finger on and he really is behaving like the ideal boyfriend, very considerate, kind and passionate in the bedroom. But I can feel myself disappearing down a rabbit hole and becoming more withdrawn - he drops little things into conversation about how he doesn't like to socialise and "doesn't like people" and we end up more and more just staying in and watching Netflix. He's kind of all consuming but I feel I can't relax because he will let me down again. If I attempt to talk about it with him, he is niceness personified and extremely apologetic, saying he was younger then. But he then moves the conversation quickly on.

Its just very hard to get a handle on him. What do others thing? Why do I have these feelings? I haven't been insecure in relationships before (only had 2 serious ones other than this!). Basically, I'm wondering if I should continue with this relationship or if he is going to let me down again.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 03/09/2022 16:21

Feeling nervous and anxious around someone is a sign that your body knows they are potentially harmful to you / inconsistent / not to be relied on. Very easy to confuse this with excitement or butterflies etc but its not a good thing. You want to feel calm and at peace around someone you have a romantic interest in, happy but not anxious or nervous.

And that is just your feelings speaking to you. If you want to use your brain instead, his behaviour is appalling, judge him on it fairly and walk away as fast as you can.

AlexandraJJ · 03/09/2022 16:21

If it was me I’d cut my losses. He’s already said he’s not relationship material so I’d believe him. No one is worth being with if they don’t add value to your life/well being. Love yourself and put yourself first, life is too short to be messed about second guessing.

Tierne · 03/09/2022 16:28

He sounds like a spoiled little rich boy.

Get your revenge by dumping him this time and move on.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 16:28

He's kind of all consuming but I feel I can't relax because he will let me down again.
He's let you down several times already, so it's wise to accept that he's going to be doing it again.

Basically, I'm wondering if I should continue with this relationship or if he is going to let me down again.
He cheated on his LTR, he cheated on you with the mutual friend, he tells you he's "not into relationships" & "doesn't like people" & "is unreliable", he's a flake who got bought a flat by mummy & daddy & gets by on teaching a few hours yoga every week.

Its just very hard to get a handle on him.
It's easy to get a handle on him. He is Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive".
theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft-has-a-whole.1057915
He says all the right things while simulatenously behaving horribly - but he ALSO says many wrong things, & you are refusing to hear them. Look at the statements he made just above, & ask yourself why you didn't believe him?

Eventually, he did ask me out, only to change his mind (by text). We continued with the hobby, and to see each other through that a couple of times per week. I remained attracted to him but always had some sort of "feeling" about him that made me nervous. He seemed to act strangely at times, at other times was really frieendly/flirtatious, at other times would completely blanked me. He then asked me out properly. I said no, because I was bothered by his odd behaviour. It then turned out that he had a long term girlfriend - a mutual male friend told me he had mentioned bringing her to his party and he contacted me because he thought there was something between us and he was really surprised he had never mentioned this girlfriend. Apparently, it was long distance.

He ran rings round you, & this was the time to have binned him off completely.
But - like so many others, including my younger self, so please don't feel got at - you swallowed your gut instinct & ignored all the screaming red flags.
He is bad news, & your notion that - Its possible to say that now he is a little older and has been given a nice flat by his parents - he doesn't work full time but does a few hours yoga teaching and fitness training), he feels more able to commit to a relationship - is dangerously naive.
Why would a grown man be unable to commit to a relationship unless mummy & daddy bought him a flat?

You need to stop making excuses, stop wishful thinking, & look long & hard at the facts. This guy sounds like a headfucker who will swallow you up.
Sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
DoubleCherry · 03/09/2022 16:42

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 16:28

He's kind of all consuming but I feel I can't relax because he will let me down again.
He's let you down several times already, so it's wise to accept that he's going to be doing it again.

Basically, I'm wondering if I should continue with this relationship or if he is going to let me down again.
He cheated on his LTR, he cheated on you with the mutual friend, he tells you he's "not into relationships" & "doesn't like people" & "is unreliable", he's a flake who got bought a flat by mummy & daddy & gets by on teaching a few hours yoga every week.

Its just very hard to get a handle on him.
It's easy to get a handle on him. He is Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive".
theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft-has-a-whole.1057915
He says all the right things while simulatenously behaving horribly - but he ALSO says many wrong things, & you are refusing to hear them. Look at the statements he made just above, & ask yourself why you didn't believe him?

Eventually, he did ask me out, only to change his mind (by text). We continued with the hobby, and to see each other through that a couple of times per week. I remained attracted to him but always had some sort of "feeling" about him that made me nervous. He seemed to act strangely at times, at other times was really frieendly/flirtatious, at other times would completely blanked me. He then asked me out properly. I said no, because I was bothered by his odd behaviour. It then turned out that he had a long term girlfriend - a mutual male friend told me he had mentioned bringing her to his party and he contacted me because he thought there was something between us and he was really surprised he had never mentioned this girlfriend. Apparently, it was long distance.

He ran rings round you, & this was the time to have binned him off completely.
But - like so many others, including my younger self, so please don't feel got at - you swallowed your gut instinct & ignored all the screaming red flags.
He is bad news, & your notion that - Its possible to say that now he is a little older and has been given a nice flat by his parents - he doesn't work full time but does a few hours yoga teaching and fitness training), he feels more able to commit to a relationship - is dangerously naive.
Why would a grown man be unable to commit to a relationship unless mummy & daddy bought him a flat?

You need to stop making excuses, stop wishful thinking, & look long & hard at the facts. This guy sounds like a headfucker who will swallow you up.
Sorry OP Flowers

That made me smile. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to break down what I've said like that (and to other posters for their comments too). Sometimes, when you are in the middle of something, its hard to see the wood for the trees. I also have fairly limited detail on what he did - the male friend refused to talk about the party invite details for the ex girlfriend again, I've lost touch with the female friend he dumped for me a couple of years back. Basically, I can feel that my boundaries are getting broken down and reset again in a different way each and every time something happens. I find it unacceptable, then I'm upset and then I remind myself how much I like him and how well we get on, and I go ahead again, with changes as to what I can tolerate.

He used to live in a not so nice area and he seemed embarrassed by his flat there (it wasn't that bad!) so I've kind of rationalised this as him being ready for a serious relationship now. But I just can't get past how he has behaved in the past or his character traits now. We don't even see each other that often - usually just a Friday - Sunday once every 2 or 3 weeks, because he likes time on his own. Due to the things he has said in the past, I haven't been too probing on our future together and because this time round again, its only 6 months in.

It has occurred to me that he is spoilt. His mother dotes on him and his father gives him money. One of his phrases is "I don't want to do that" or "thats not what I want", but (take my word for this), he's so well spoken and gentle when he says it that it doesn't come across as badly as it might.

He's also obsessed, and I mean obsessed, about not eating too much and not putting on weight. I personally think this is because he has too much time on his hands, but everything he eats is low calorie and mainly vegetables and he talks about it a lot.

In many ways, he is a good catch - well educated, good looking, owns his own place (so do I though!) but then again, I should be ideal for him. But looking at his past behaviour, he isn't really. I just don't trust him, and I suspect that if I simply stopped contacting him, he wouldn't bother any more.

OP posts:
WorryingTimes · 03/09/2022 16:55

This man is not a 'good catch', he's immature and not interested in having a relationship with you. You can't change him so don't waste anymore of your life with him. Move on and find someone who will love spending time with you if that's what you want.

Abitofalark · 03/09/2022 17:11

Sorry to dash your hopes but No, you shouldn't continue the relationship. This has gone on for a long time, always with you pursuing him - the mystery is why, given that you've been let down, dumped by text, deceived, two-timed and treated with casual indifference by him.

He has even told you who he is - that he's not worth pursuing, not being interested in relationships, i.e. not interested in you, and is unreliable... yet you haven't listened or you've haven't understood or taken in what he's telling you. He's non committal towards you - and everything else, it seems - a bit of a nonentity, a hollow where a real person should be. You can't figure it out or get to grips with what it is, most likely because there's nothing there. There isn't much to him: he comes and he goes and doesn't work, not seriously anyway, or have any drive or commitment to anything, drifting about and with about as much substance as a spilt drink of water.

So why would you want to hitch yourself to him? What is it that would make him of such compelling interest to you? His seeming passivity and lack of solid character? Elusiveness? Is it the love of pursuit or idea of a challenge - the (most likely mistaken) belief that there must be something there if only you could find it? Are you afraid of going for a more real, present and engaging sort of person?

drinkfeck · 03/09/2022 17:18

I couldn't even get to the end before I thought why on earth are you with him? He fucked you around for years. And other women by the sounds of it

How can you think he's a good catch? He sounds vile.

You deserve more

Abitofalark · 03/09/2022 17:20

He's not a good catch because there's nothing TO catch.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 17:22

Thanks for your update OP & I'm glad your thread is helping you see the wood for the trees (& we ALL need help with that sometimes).

The more you post about him the more he conforms to the Mr Sensitive stereotype I linked upthread. Especially -
One of his phrases is "I don't want to do that" or "thats not what I want", but (take my word for this), he's so well spoken and gentle when he says it that it doesn't come across as badly as it might.
Bear in mind the Mr Sensitive is JUST as abusive as the more obvious types like Mr Drill Sergeant & The Dominator.

Plus - you see each other quite rarely. It's easy to put on a good show & give the best of yourself if it's only 'special occasions'.

It has occurred to me that he is spoilt. His mother dotes on him and his father gives him money.
Yes, & his notion of relationships is likely to be that they exist to serve him.
He is flaky AF. He will expect you to contort yourself around him because he is so special, so uniquely deserving of indulgent treatment, & so in touch with his extrordinary insight with his yoga & his macrobiotic self-obsession ...

OK that's reading between the lines, but shock me & tell me it ain't true!
Can you tell I've met these types before OP, & learned to steer well clear? 😂

HellonHeels · 03/09/2022 17:24

Self obsessed yoga teacher. Say no more. He's not a great catch in any sense at all.

eighteenmonthstogo · 03/09/2022 17:30

Don't be daft OP. This is MN !! NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH !!

Seriously though I think you need to stop over thinking this.. and enjoy the relationship without wondering what if... many men take a while to mature and just because he wasn't ready then doesn't mean he is not sincere now.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/09/2022 17:32

As a general rule I think if a man is making you question things, including your reality and you find yourself fighting your gut then it's time to call it a day. You did to some extent enjoy stoking the fires just enough vis a vis all those times you just happened to 'get in touch' with him. It's time to fully walk away. Don't have a chat with him to explain or send any essay length messages. Just cut him loose. And don't be drawn in again. You seem to want to flirt with the image then get burned by the reality.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/09/2022 17:34

All the good things you mentioned are outward appearances, surface qualities. All the disquieting, concerning and actually disrespectful things you mentioned which are giving you pause for thought are connected to the deeper character and inner thoughts of a person.

You're confused because of the mixed messages you are reading, but you needn't be because the latter should be weighed a lot more heavily than the former.

You need to run a mile from him as a partner he will never enhance your life regardless of the sexual attraction you feel. As a bit of fun he might have some use, if you can do purely physical and leave the emotions at the door, but not for anything more significant.

If you hitch your wagon to this horse you'll never have peace or deep trust.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 17:35

eighteenmonthstogo · 03/09/2022 17:30

Don't be daft OP. This is MN !! NO MAN IS GOOD ENOUGH !!

Seriously though I think you need to stop over thinking this.. and enjoy the relationship without wondering what if... many men take a while to mature and just because he wasn't ready then doesn't mean he is not sincere now.

Yeah, serial cheaters who self-declare that they don't do relationships, don't like people, & are unreliable are such a good bet @eighteenmonthstogo

Merryoldgoat · 03/09/2022 17:39

How the fuck is a lying cheat a ‘good catch’?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 17:45

You are the poster child for "glutton for punishment."

Pineappleskies · 03/09/2022 17:50

Oh my god the years you've wasted on this one though.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 17:52

Pineappleskies · 03/09/2022 17:50

Oh my god the years you've wasted on this one though.

It's truly staggering. And very, very depressing.

Suzi888 · 03/09/2022 17:55

Pineappleskies · 03/09/2022 17:50

Oh my god the years you've wasted on this one though.

^ Literally YEARS and you still have doubts.

Original poster
DoubleCherry · 03/09/2022 18:04

Abitofalark · 03/09/2022 17:11

Sorry to dash your hopes but No, you shouldn't continue the relationship. This has gone on for a long time, always with you pursuing him - the mystery is why, given that you've been let down, dumped by text, deceived, two-timed and treated with casual indifference by him.

He has even told you who he is - that he's not worth pursuing, not being interested in relationships, i.e. not interested in you, and is unreliable... yet you haven't listened or you've haven't understood or taken in what he's telling you. He's non committal towards you - and everything else, it seems - a bit of a nonentity, a hollow where a real person should be. You can't figure it out or get to grips with what it is, most likely because there's nothing there. There isn't much to him: he comes and he goes and doesn't work, not seriously anyway, or have any drive or commitment to anything, drifting about and with about as much substance as a spilt drink of water.

So why would you want to hitch yourself to him? What is it that would make him of such compelling interest to you? His seeming passivity and lack of solid character? Elusiveness? Is it the love of pursuit or idea of a challenge - the (most likely mistaken) belief that there must be something there if only you could find it? Are you afraid of going for a more real, present and engaging sort of person?

This is very insightful. It is the mystery that draws me to him, I think sub-consciously, I wanted to find out the truth. And for the challenge I guess. I have literally turned down 3 very decent men because of him (before we got together this most recent time). His public image is so sweet and innocent, to good to be true, and then his behaviour. He seems to have multiple different personalities but at the moment I am getting the perfect boyfriend.

I know I have to end it. Its always worse ending it yourself than being ended with, but then again, I don't think it will take much effort. What will take effort is that he will undoubtedly try to come back, again and again. Maybe I need to move abroad or something!

He is like a carbon copy of Mr Sensitive.

I had never encountered anyone who behaved like this before, and I didn't know what to do with the information. I realise now that I should have ended it when he first made his shocking revelation that he had a long term girlfriend. But he didn't tell anyone, not even his closest male friends. And none of us saw him with a woman. Some people thought he might be gay.

Its sad, because the ideal boyfriend behaviour is very, very compelling. He seems so kind and gentle.

The other odd thing is that most men dislike him, sometimes on sight, or after a while. Most of his male friends no longer speak to him. But a lot of women fall for him. That is possibly because he is flirting with them, of course.

Going into this, again, I thought I could do something light and relatively casual, as long as it was monogamous, but as it goes on, I realise its not for me at all. I think deep down I'm quite traditional. He knows all this and agreed to it. But at least I've satisfied my curiosity, and won't spend years yearning after him thinking "what if".

He got a phone call while I was with him last weekend and went into another room to take it.

Cleopatra'sBeautifulNose All the good things you mentioned are outward appearances, surface qualities. All the disquieting, concerning and actually disrespectful things you mentioned which are giving you pause for thought are connected to the deeper character and inner thoughts of a person.

This, too. He is very superficial. Its easy to say the right sounding things.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleCherry · 03/09/2022 18:06

Its very illuminating that so many posters are horrified by his behaviour when I describe it, because most of my female friends think the sunshine shines out of his arse and tie themselves in loops to make excuses for him, usually for him being "shy".

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 03/09/2022 18:15

Friends are often reluctant to say: he's just not that into you and your boundaries are poor.

You are better off seeing him for what he is and believing you deserve better.

Charm doesn't translate to forums: actions over time are clearer to see.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 18:20

DoubleCherry · 03/09/2022 18:06

Its very illuminating that so many posters are horrified by his behaviour when I describe it, because most of my female friends think the sunshine shines out of his arse and tie themselves in loops to make excuses for him, usually for him being "shy".

Yet men dislike him, even once-friends now avoid him.

Women put up with him because he's good looking.
(Oh! & "Sensitive". Don't forget he's Mr Sensitive - one of the most insidious & hard to spot abuser profiles.)

FriendOfDorothyGale · 03/09/2022 19:00

We don't even see each other that often - usually just a Friday - Sunday once every 2 or 3 weeks, because he likes time on his own

This is the honeymoon phase. The part where you want to spend loads of time together and he only wants to see you every 2-3 weeks.

Fuck him off.