To make my DD play with other neighbours child.

itispersonal · 2022-09-03T09:15:37+00:00

We live on a cul de sac, so my dd (9) plays outside on the street with the other girl (8) neighbour. They are best friends and come into and out of each other's houses to play/ hang out etc. On the road there is also another child a boy who is 7- 2 school years below mine (but a lot 'younger' due to additional needs, though the 2 girls are immature). When they were all a bit younger 2 years ago, they all use to play outside but as the girls have got older they no longer want to play with him when they are outside! My dp says I shouldn't make them play with him if he comes out to join them but I feel that is excluding him and as there is only 3, it's mean not to. (Though both my dd and the girl are only children) and the boy has a brother a couple of years younger than him, but doesn't play out. The boy is sporty and wants to play football, bikes etc where the girls are more lol dolls and make up. Aibu to say she/ they should make an effort to all play together or should my dd say I don't want to play with him and that be ok. My dd has a small circle of friends and she prefers it that way. But I think if the situation was reverse, I wouldn't want my child to feel left out and that happened when dd was 4/5 and the older children on the street were 9,10! Which I got but it still wasn't nice. We are also going through an ASC diagnosis, and as she gets older teenager there might be more times when she is excluded socially!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2022 10:20

If they are playing out and he is there then I think they can ask him to play sometimes. Assuming that there isn't an issue with him other than they just prefer to play together. But they shouldn't change their game (eg they are on their scooters and he says no I want to play football, they should say no they are playing scooters but he is welcome to join in).

stormywhethers321 · 03/09/2022 10:20

People have the right to decide who they want to interact with socially, and that includes children. Obviously, she shouldn't be cruel to him, but she's not obligated to play with him just because he's there. It's actually a really good lesson for children to learn as they enter the teenaged years that no one is entitled to their time and company just because they want it. And similarly, they aren't entitled to the same from others.

Boxofsockss · 03/09/2022 10:23

I think you should encourage it but not force it. If she doesn’t want to play with him then she doesn’t want to.

Dadaya · 03/09/2022 10:25

The girls should play what they want to play. If the boy comes out they should let him join in, but not change their play to suit him. I wouldn’t make them play with him all the time though, it’s ok for them to play with him for a bit then go in the house.

SchoolInForeignLands · 03/09/2022 10:31

No, you shouldn't force them to play with him, but equally you should not allow them to be nasty to him or always exclude him because he's a boy.
We're playing this, would you like to join in? Then it's on him to decide.
Girls are playing something and change to something they know he won't like as soon as he comes out - not ok.

Can you get some games or equipment that they could all use together? Basketball, soft archery kit, chalks, skateboard etc.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2022 10:33

No I don't think you should. There is a substantial difference between their age and interests, and it's not a given that all the kids on a street play with each other by any means. I know it might be a familiar idea to some but I would say most streets are not like this. Your DD and the other girl are genuinely friends. There is no "all the kids on the street" club.

Goldbar · 03/09/2022 11:10

No, I don't think your DD should be forced to play with him, especially if it means changing the game. Maybe have a conversation about how it would be nice to include him occasionally but that's as far as I would go.

I'm all for children learning to be kind and I think exclusion should be strongly discouraged in a school environment where the children are the same age and have to be in school, but this is different. It's outside school, in their social time when they should have some say over what they do and this boy is a lot younger. And your DD is not his 'free' entertainment. My almost 5yo would love to be able to bother and annoy our neighbours' children who are older and play out alone, but instead I organise playdates and activities for DC with their friends and similar-age children.

Original poster

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:00

The boy doesn't want to change the game, just they have very different interests! Which I think it part of the problem.

OP posts:

FlorettaB · 03/09/2022 12:04

’they have very different interests’

That’s why they don’t want to play with him. Equally, I would have been surprised and worried if a group of unrelated 9/10 year olds had wanted to play with your DD when she was 4/5.

MichelleScarn · 03/09/2022 12:08

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:00

The boy doesn't want to change the game, just they have very different interests! Which I think it part of the problem.

I don't understand why this is a 'problem' unless he wants to change their play?

Original poster

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:19

@MichelleScarn
Why the girls and the boy don't always want to play out together.

@FlorettaB if there's a mixture of ages and playing ball games/ scooters etc why wouldn't they play out with older children. Though when my dd was small there was her and the friend. A boy a year older and the 9/10 year olds.

I realise my street isn't the norm, with kids playing out on the front street and it is something I love about where I live as we have really small gardens.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 03/09/2022 12:19

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:00

The boy doesn't want to change the game, just they have very different interests! Which I think it part of the problem.

Would it not make sense for his parents to help him develop friendships with other children who share his interests?

I'm struggling to see precisely what you want your DD and the other 9yo to do in this situation? Say the older two are playing outside with their lol dolls, boy comes to join them but isn't interested... surely the girls could just say a friendly hello and then go back to their game, while the 7yo finds something he is interested in to do?

whumpthereitis · 03/09/2022 12:36

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:00

The boy doesn't want to change the game, just they have very different interests! Which I think it part of the problem.

You risk your daughter becoming increasingly resentful and unhappy with you, and taking it out on this boy tbh. Or she’ll just stop playing out altogether. Forcing interaction rarely results in the outcome you desire.

You’re also teaching her that her wants don’t matter.

Penguinfeather781 · 03/09/2022 12:36

I think you’re too hung up on this lovely ideal of all the children in the street playing together and I just don’t think it’s realistic. They aren’t preschoolers and they are at an age where they get to pick their own friends. In the context of two girls who are best friends that happen to live next door to each other, playing just the pair of them, no I don’t think they should have to play with a child significantly younger and with very different interests just because he also lives on your street. That’s not excluding or leaving out, anymore than me having a 1:1 conversation in the park with my best friend while watching our kids is leaving out the other vague acquaintances I see there after school most days. If there’s a large group playing football at the park and he wants to also play football then of course that’s different and I’d tell my child to let him join in.

I can almost guarantee if it was two older boys no one would expect them to play with a girl significantly younger and into different things. It’s always girls expected to bend socially to accommodate others, especially younger ones - the whole “be nice” “be kind” thing and actually I don’t think it’s healthy or fair. Your daughter is allowed to prefer to play 1:1 and hold her boundaries on that.

godmum56 · 03/09/2022 12:38

how are you thinking you can "make" your child play with other children?

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 12:41

YABU. You can't force children to be friends and to play together - and doing so will just cause upset and make your DD resentful.

As an adult, you wouldn't force yourself to hang around with people you dislike, so why force that onto your DD?

MichelleScarn · 03/09/2022 12:43

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:19

@MichelleScarn
Why the girls and the boy don't always want to play out together.

@FlorettaB if there's a mixture of ages and playing ball games/ scooters etc why wouldn't they play out with older children. Though when my dd was small there was her and the friend. A boy a year older and the 9/10 year olds.

I realise my street isn't the norm, with kids playing out on the front street and it is something I love about where I live as we have really small gardens.

So you love the idea of all the kids playing together, but what if they just don't want to? Would you like someone coming along to dictate your free time? 'Oh there's some parents in the next street who want to come and hang out with you, no you gave nothing in common and don't like each other, but hey, you really need to do this as you live in same village'?

Original poster

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:45

I think this is it, they let him play with them/ chat with them for a little while but they then go into either our house or hers and the boy is then excluded. Or if one of the girls goes in for dinner etc, the other girl will go in 5 minutes later, if not sooner.

I just feel it is exclusive as if they were all girls and the same age range between them all and one of them was left out of the 'gang' it would be mean. He wants to be their friend still, as I said a couple of years ago they all played out for hours together! But I also get the girls are pre teens now and the interests/ play habits are different!

I'll probably let her carry on as she's been doing then and letting him join in for a bit and stopping when she's had enough!

OP posts:

O11 · 03/09/2022 12:46

Penguinfeather781 · 03/09/2022 12:36

I think you’re too hung up on this lovely ideal of all the children in the street playing together and I just don’t think it’s realistic. They aren’t preschoolers and they are at an age where they get to pick their own friends. In the context of two girls who are best friends that happen to live next door to each other, playing just the pair of them, no I don’t think they should have to play with a child significantly younger and with very different interests just because he also lives on your street. That’s not excluding or leaving out, anymore than me having a 1:1 conversation in the park with my best friend while watching our kids is leaving out the other vague acquaintances I see there after school most days. If there’s a large group playing football at the park and he wants to also play football then of course that’s different and I’d tell my child to let him join in.

I can almost guarantee if it was two older boys no one would expect them to play with a girl significantly younger and into different things. It’s always girls expected to bend socially to accommodate others, especially younger ones - the whole “be nice” “be kind” thing and actually I don’t think it’s healthy or fair. Your daughter is allowed to prefer to play 1:1 and hold her boundaries on that.

Exactly what I was thinking. Nobody would expect older boys to include a younger girl.

Although it's nice to teach inclusivity, it's also important that girls aren't brought up to be people pleasers. They should be allowed to say no.

MichelleScarn · 03/09/2022 12:50

I'll probably let her carry on as she's been doing then and letting him join in for a bit and stopping when she's had enough!

You'll probably let her and if she doesn't want to do this?

Original poster

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:52

MichelleScarn · 03/09/2022 12:50

I'll probably let her carry on as she's been doing then and letting him join in for a bit and stopping when she's had enough!

You'll probably let her and if she doesn't want to do this?

Then I'll let her decide!

Just didn't want her and the friend to be the mean ones!

OP posts:

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 12:54

I think this is it, they let him play with them/ chat with them for a little while but they then go into either our house or hers and the boy is then excluded. Or if one of the girls goes in for dinner etc, the other girl will go in 5 minutes later, if not sooner.

What's wrong with that, though? He's not their friend. They're being nice to him but ultimately it's not their job to entertain him.

dottiedodah · 03/09/2022 12:56

I think that your DD is fine to just play with the other little girl .Theres an age gap and different interests here.As others have said no way would 2 older boys be including a younger girl! This is 2 little girls playing together ,how would we feel if out with our friend asked to include a random male!

whumpthereitis · 03/09/2022 12:59

itispersonal · 03/09/2022 12:45

I think this is it, they let him play with them/ chat with them for a little while but they then go into either our house or hers and the boy is then excluded. Or if one of the girls goes in for dinner etc, the other girl will go in 5 minutes later, if not sooner.

I just feel it is exclusive as if they were all girls and the same age range between them all and one of them was left out of the 'gang' it would be mean. He wants to be their friend still, as I said a couple of years ago they all played out for hours together! But I also get the girls are pre teens now and the interests/ play habits are different!

I'll probably let her carry on as she's been doing then and letting him join in for a bit and stopping when she's had enough!

But friendships are exclusive, by their nature. Are you equally friends with everyone because they happen to exist within your proximity?

Having closer friendships/choosing to spend more time with certain people does not mean you’re being ‘unkind’ to acquaintances. It’s entirely natural for different relationships to have different dynamics and levels of closeness. Your daughter and her friend wouldn’t be unreasonable even if he were a girl.

Forcing her is likely to to damage your relationship with her, not improve her interactions with this boy.

Georgeskitchen · 03/09/2022 13:00

No wish to be harsh but this child is not your problem and not your DD and friends problem. I know that at the age of 9 I would not really be wanting to to play with a 7 year old boy, unless it was a group playing chase etc. Leave the kids to form their own friendship groups