To stop children going to Ex

[FMLonceavain]

Name changed for this
so background is Ex has 2 DS every other weekend by court order, he was meant to collect at 6pm today and DS11 asked if it could be 7 as was his first day at secondary school and met friends on way home (went to different school) which Ex agreed to.
Ex then texts me asking to get them tomorrow as they only have 1 car at the moment (for context neither work so not going to work or anything) and have them 1 night- I replied I have plans tomorrow so needed to be tonight. I then offers to make the 25min drive each way and drop them off to make it easier. Ex then texts ‘thanks FML you have caused a massive argument with his GF and I am now not allowed my kids over to my house this week’.
I now don’t want them going there if an hour change makes her react like that and causes her to ban them from her house this weekend- to me it shows they are not wanted or welcomed by her. I have also look at youngest DS phone and the last 2 visits at midday ish he has been texting for toast as is so hungry and dad is not out of bed yet- DA is Aidan’s normally won’t eat toast so must of been starving.
AIBU to say take me to court as I am not letting them be subjected to this ?

It sounds like it's shit with the wife saying that.
But I wouldn't stop them from going if I were you.
How old is the youngest?

Sorry angry typing- DS9 is autistic so needs routine and struggles with food and normally wouldn’t eat toast

Eldest is 11 and youngest is 9

If he's not able to get himself it (don't know how autistic he is/how it affects him) it might be best to just speak to him about that.
It's totally shit about what the wife is saying but longer term it'll backfire on you if you stop them going

At 9 and 11 I’d let them decide

So ex normally has them until Sunday and he asked if you could have them until Saturday instead?. I am a tad confused as why he wouldn’t have said can you collect Sunday as we don’t have a car or gf is using the car?

Anyway I wonder if she has really banned them, he probably has plans (which trump yours of course) and he is making a cock and bull story which results in everyone else being at fault instead of him.

I wouldn’t necessary stop him seeing them but go back to court if he is not sticking to the agreement of the full weekend.
Plus the leaving an autistic child without supervision or adequate food would need to be brought up.

I have reported your first post as you named your ds in it.

You need to build up a list of issues if it is court ordered

I don't think the boy's name is in it? I think it was an autocorrect when she meant to say he is autistic.

It was autocorrect- that is not my child’s name

Ex normally has them Fri 6pm to Sunday 6pm and DS11 asked to be collected at 7pm today instead and ex agreed to him then asked to get them Saturday at 12 which is when I offered to drop them myself this evening

I'm afraid you would need far more evidence than this.
My ds step mother hated him for 16 years. It just meant that as soon as he was old enough he cut his dad and his step mum off completely.
Unfortunately court ordered contact can be cancelled by the other party, it becomes a fact of life.

Also it is not his wife - I think they are engaged but I have never met her. I did meet the other 3 fiancées and 2 girlfriends over the last 5 years but this this one declined to even be polite and say hello

I would let boys decide. With their ages they’ll be deciding for themselves soon anyway. I wouldn’t be driving them there though

She doesn't have to meet you. I think you have a problem with her and would be unreasonable to stop them going just because he claims to have had a row with her. You don't even know the context of the row.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to be concerned about him not getting up until midday while DS9 is there, though. I'd have thought the 11 year old could have got him some food, but still, he should be up at that time with an autistic 9 year old in his care.

I don’t have an issue with her at all as long as my DS are happy I couldn’t care who he is with.
I also wouldn’t expect my DS11 to have to cater and make food for his brother as his dad is not out of bed - they are there 2/14 nights there is no excuse for him not getting up. Just because his brother is Autistic doesn’t make additional jobs fall on him as I don’t feel that’s fair

Well you indicated you had a problem with her "not being polite and saying hello" which she has no obligation to do, and you've also jumped to conclusions that they are not welcome and she is the root of that issue based on your lazy ex saying they argued, when you can't really know what this argument was about or how it went.

I didn't say your 11 year old SHOULD have had to get the 9 year old food, I reiterated twice that ex should have done it and he should have been up. But at 11 they could have done, and I'm surprised they didn't.

I think you should let them decide.

I did meet the other 3 fiancées and 2 girlfriends over the last 5 years

Yikes.

I’d keep them away from what sounds like a shitty environment. I’d invite him to take me to court. Seeing as he can’t be fucked with getting out of bed to feed his children two mornings out of fourteen, I wouldn’t be particularly worried.

@Herejustforthisone it's not that simple. As the contact is court ordered, OP would be deemed to be in breech of the order. Terrible girlfriends, not getting out of bed etc aren't even sufficient reasons to get supervised contact, because it's 'only' 2 nights out of 14.

What about ‘his girlfriend banned the children from the house because he asked to see them less and I offered to drop them off to him to be helpful?’

The kids would still be ordered to attend an environment they were clearly not welcome in because a court-ordered piece of paper says so?

I’m being robust but this is an area in which I have absolutely no experience. If he took her to court (I can’t imagine it but hey, he might, he doesn’t have much else on), would they ‘penalise’ the OP for not making her children go there?

I'd hold off on the hostility toward the GF at the moment. You don't know she's said that or if she did, what the context was. Maybe he planned to piss off for the weekend and leave them with her and she said they aren't coming then or as PP said, he could have had plans tonight and is now just making up some bullshit excuse to avoid taking the blame. Is he that type? You'll know better than us.

Definitely agree with you re the not getting out of bed although I don't think it's that unreasonable to expect an 11 year old to make their own cereal or toast. A NT 9 year old should be able to make cereal if they are that hungry although of course I don't know how severe your son's autism is and what / if it limits him from doing. Is your 9 year old capable of making cereal for himself? If that's something he could do but just doesn't know how I'd try and make sure he knows in case it happens again rather than him just waiting around hungry.

I'd ask them how they feel too, they are old enough to be listened to about what they want.

Unfortunately, probably yes.

You are overreacting. A squabble between the two of you should not mean withdrawing contact. You need to calm down and have a normal talk tomorrow.

They are with you 10/12 so I wouldn't worry about his lack of parenting skills on the other two days.

At 9 and 12 they will survive.

I think they are too young to make the decision alone and it's too much pressure for them so they should just be told the arrangement is every second weekend from x to x.

I would avoid further court time. Just make it clear you expect him to stick to the arrangement.

Today wasn't your fault and it just sounds like he couldn't be arsed.

If you can accommodate his uselessness I would have let him pick them up at 12 tomorrow. Less time for them to have to fend for themselves.

Sounds like he may be on the lookout for partner number 6 soon!!

I doubt the ex op has described here is capable of having a calm adult conversation.