Sounds as if no-one is bothered to have a close relationships, so I wouldn't bother facilitating one!

I wouldn’t bother to be honest. Seems v one sided.

I'm always bemused by women who think one should make an effort to maintain relationships. (It is always women, I don't recall ever encountering a man who thinks like this. )

I contact someone when I want to speak to them. If I have no particular reason to speak to my siblings or parents, I'm quite happy to let five years go by without speaking to them.

I find it really odd that people think contacting someone is a job that needs doing, out of duty, on some sort of schedule. I don't need to remember to contact anyone, because if in a particular moment I'm not experiencing any desire or need to do it, it doesn't need doing.

I recently contacted an old school-friend I thought of, because of something going on in my life. When I checked, it had been ten years since we'd previously emailed each other. Neither he nor I think we need to contact each other just for the sake of it.

I wouldn't bother. In fact I have stopped making the effort and we haven't seen MIL since Christmas. I feel guilty but it isn't our job to facilitate a relationship. I have always encouraged my DH to ring MIL but it turned me into a nag. It's up to him. I know plenty of men that see their family and organise it themselves. DH wouldn't arrange things with my side of the family and I wouldn't expect him to.

Are you me, because I am a people pleaser as well. I'm Chinese and duty is a huge thing in our culture. I think its odd families don't see each other more often, to me it's an opportunity to have a nice meal, bring a gift, that we value each other. Time is so short and if I don't see my parents regularly I would feel extremely guilty.

My husband side is white, English. His family are the complete opposite. Last time we say his parents was 18 months ago. Only last week I said is it a good idea we visit. Now we are making a short trip but it wouldn't have happened if I didn't mention it. His parents aren't bothered about seeing their son or grand children and my husband isn't bothered either. It doesn't mean they love them any less. But they aren't the kind of people to host, make a home cooked meal, shower kids with gifts and money and take family photos group like my Chinese side. If my mother in law boils the kettle and cracks open a pack of Bourbons then I consider that generous. Lol.

In all seriousness, I've made peace with it. When my kids leave home, I forsee seeing his parents EVEN less (unless they start needing care) . It's just different no more than that.

@Rochyella84

I completely empathise. My in laws are pretty emotionless and my FIL is an abusive arrogant twat. For the past few months I have really backed off making an effort as I don't enjoy there company particularly (especially FIL) and I have come to realise the negative impact being with them has on my husbands mental and physical health. I make a concerted effort nowadays just to focus on my own. I have also taken the leap of letting the in laws know we won't be spending Christmas Day with them. It's always so stiff and awkward and like you I know I can go into people pleaser mode. Now I think fuck it - I'm a grown ass woman and I'll spend time with those I actually enjoy the company off!

I would continue as you are. These grandparents add nothing to your children’s lives because they’re not interested,

If you're a people pleaser - they are giving every impression that they have no desire to be in contact with any of you, for whatever reason - so, respect that, not contacting them is possibly exactly what they want and what they've been hoping for.

to be fair, they packed him off to boarding school abroad at a young age and have never made much effort with him.

So why on earth are you forcing everyone into a relationship that clearly no one is interested in? Oh just because you believe family Is family/children MUST have gp's? You know the history but clearly trying to push everyone into an ideal idea of family that you have. Leave it be, it is what it is.

If they don't want to see their grand kids why make the effort? No great loss surely?

If I were you, as a compromise, I'd continue to "nudge" but infrequently.

Just stop bothering and enjoy your lives. Not all children have loving grandparents that teach them to bake or garden. Some don't even have living grandparents sadly. Far worse to keep shoving them at disinterested ones.

They sound fairly normal to me, but then I have never understood these families who seem to live in each other's pockets. Friends are the people you see regularly, because you choose to have them.in your life - family, not so much.

Meeting once a year keeps you in touch but also allows everyone to get on with their own lives. Job done.

Why do women do this?

they don’t treat you well. You’re miserable when you spend time with them.

your DH does not have a close relationship with his parents.

no blood relative is unhappy with the low key relationship.

and yet you for some utterly unfathomable reason you push and push for more contact.

well more fool you. You’re forcibly putting yourself in a situation which then ends up with you being miserable.

You’re misery is entirely of your own making.

just let your husband lead on how he wants his relationship with his family to develop.

my situation is slightly different, my in-laws are truly awful people. However before I knew that I used to tell dp to call/visit etc his parents and grandmother.

I now no longer bother, it’s emotional labour which is wasted. His parents don’t even like me and DP doesn’t like them either 😂

leave it up to your partner to initiate contact, if your children ask to see their grandparents tell them to speak to your husband. Explain not all granny and grandpas are affectionate and involved, it’s the grandparents not your children.

I don't make any effort anymore. They have a lot of GC and are not really bothered about my DC. They do call DH from time to time.

It's been 4 years of quiet bliss, although MIL has asked to see us in Dec. I can't say no.


The only thing that I will say is that I feel bad for DH. He sees the relationship DC have with my DP and it's hard that PIL don't have the same interest or bond

You can’t facilitate a relationship for your children. Sooner or later your children will pick up that there grandparents don’t make any effort and aren’t bothered with seeing them.

Stop doing all the work when your DH and his parents are capable of sorting contact if they want it.

I could have written your post! Due to Covid it’s been three glorious years for me since I’ve seen mine and I don’t miss it a bit! I do remind dh when it’s their birthdays or for mother’s & Father’s Day - yes I know but old habits die hard - but he’s in charge of buying a card and sending if he decides to. The less effort I make the happier I am. I don’t keep up with their FB, I don’t call, etc. nothing.
I used to keep hoping something would change before I started this; it’s been 22 years and nothing has/will change!

Fuck that for a bunch of bananas.
DP’s family can be like this and frankly if DP wants to arrange something then that’s fine. But am I fucked as doing it for him
I am strongly of the viewpoint that I have no desire to force people to spend time with my family. My family is fucking awesome and I’ll spend the time with them instead.

Well done op! At the end of the day, the GPs are their own people. Not every one is into family. They like their own space and that's OK too. Don't get bought into any idealism. You know who is worth investing in so go there instead 😀😃

Covid was amazing in that's regard! Amazing! Kept in law's from our door.
Absolutely stop making the effort in that area.

Very very different if they're nice people who made a huge effort with you and the GC etc

Struggling to see why you felt this was necessary?

I did the same thing a few years ago, backed right off to see what would happen ( although for different reasons). Sure enough, same thing happened. But I was quite clear in my mind that it isn't my responsibility to make sure DC have a relationship with the inlaws, that's up to them and DH. We're NC / LC with them now and I don't see that DC has even noticed.