Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a secret drinker or has DH pushed me to this ?

39 replies

pinkballonsandbabies · 02/09/2022 16:10

DH used to get drunk once every few weeks and was abit crazy ! He decided he wanted to stop drinking so he did . Since then about a year ago I have drunk a lot less.

If I drink DH will say - you can tell you have had a drink and continue to remark the next day that alcohol changes people and why must people drink. To be honest I miss the old days of having a few drinks at home to relax .

Anyway , I have to admit - I can be quite an emotional drunk and at years ago did like the wine a lot !

Fast forward to today. I’ve got in a pattern , once or twice a week of just having a drink on way home or whilst out . I never have more than 2 drinks which is my favorite amount . Inn not slurring or silly ! I just feel happy and relaxed . DH never realizes . As there is no drink at home I can’t carry on and I love that I don’t get a hangover .

What I’m trying to work out is

  • is this secret drinking?
  • Is DH being almost controlling with his alcohol views ?
  • Am I bloody over thinking this and if it works for me just bloody enjoy it?

DH has never asked me to stop drinking but his constant judgment on it and me having to do it alone put me off it !

I really like that I drink a lot less and am not getting pissed anymore .

OP posts:
Paq · 02/09/2022 16:13

Yes it's secret drinking in that you're hiding it from your H but it doesn't sound like you have an alcohol problem.

Can you just ignore him and have a glass of wine / G&T at home, and tell him to stop with the snarky comments?

oopsfellover · 02/09/2022 16:14

Not sure it sounds controlling, but it does sound annoying, and as if he’s projecting his insecurities about alcohol onto you. What would happen if you asked him to stop commenting.
Also wondering whether, if you took him out of the equation, you’d see your drinking as a problem. Not saying you should.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 02/09/2022 16:14

Yes, you're a secret drinker but whether or not it's a problem is a different question.
If you're drinking 2 drinks when "out", who are you out with? Are you driving home?
If you're alone and driving, then I think you have a problem.

Sunnyqueen · 02/09/2022 16:15

It's fine I wouldn't even worry about it. You are only doing it because your husband is insufferable and smug regarding drinking.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 16:17

Where do you drink?

A580Hojas · 02/09/2022 16:19

You have done a lot to support your dh by not habing alcohol at home. If you are secure that the amount you drink isn't going to creep up then it sounds ok-ish. Or do you feel you're in a position where you really need and look forward to the secret drinks?

TattyS · 02/09/2022 16:20

When I worked in a lovely car in London, we had lots of regulars that would pop in for a drink en route home a couple of times a week. I don’t think the drinking is an issue but I do think it’s an issue having to hide it from your partner.

TattyS · 02/09/2022 16:20

Bar not car!!!

Lippyass · 02/09/2022 16:23

You're planning your week around secretly drinking alcohol. This is a problem.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 02/09/2022 16:24

I don’t think anyone else’s behaviour should affect your own personal relationship with alcohol or any stimulant actually. No one “pushes you” to anything. It is entirely your choice to drink or not. You choose to do it in secret. If you think that is a problem, do something about it. You are free to choose.

dollyblack · 02/09/2022 16:30

My partner stopped drinking too and i do this as well. I don’t want to stop drinking and don’t have a drinking problem and miss that “fun, off duty” feeling of having a drink of an evening. I don’t consider it a problem, like you only a couple of drinks here and there.

Original poster
pinkballonsandbabies · 02/09/2022 16:39

@FlipFlopShopInHawaii I don’t drive as would be too nervous and would never drink and drive if I could drive .

@Fairylightsongs i will often drink in a little cafe or sea side restaurant. Or if I’m in town in the city a little bar .

@TattyS if i worked in the city I would be popping in for a drink on the way home !

@A580Hojas i think truthfully these once a week drinks keep me sane ! In that I feel as an adult if it is a beautiful sunny day and I really want a glass of wine - I should be allowed !

I love my husband but I miss going for a walk and ending in a wine bar or I miss having a meal and sharing a bottle of wine . I fully support him . I have cut down on drinking lots but I work hard and I am a good wife and mum and I feel I deserve 2 /4 drinks a week . Gone are the days of ever getting drunk and I’ve had no hangover for years ! I didn’t sign up to be t total . I have made a huge change for my husband but don’t want to feel like I’m living a life I hate :

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkballonsandbabies · 02/09/2022 16:42

@Lippyass im not planning my week around it . If it is a Saturday and I’ve walked the dog and done all my admin and I want a glass of white wine - I go out and have one or 2 . I feel I have to do this as I can’t do it at home anymore . I’m sorry but since when did having 2/4 drinks make you have a problem ?
I think the problem is my husband has changed and whilst I support him I don’t want to not drink ever !

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkballonsandbabies · 02/09/2022 16:44

@dollyblack ! Wow ! Thank you for sharing your reply . Can I ask - do you ever feel like your life has accommodated for your husband ? Or are you fine with this ?
where do you drink ? I’m sorry if asking too much .

OP posts:
Tarttlet · 02/09/2022 16:47

pinkballonsandbabies · 02/09/2022 16:42

@Lippyass im not planning my week around it . If it is a Saturday and I’ve walked the dog and done all my admin and I want a glass of white wine - I go out and have one or 2 . I feel I have to do this as I can’t do it at home anymore . I’m sorry but since when did having 2/4 drinks make you have a problem ?
I think the problem is my husband has changed and whilst I support him I don’t want to not drink ever !

Apologies if this is asking an obvious question, but have you told him that although you are happy not to drink at home/around him, you like drinking and will continue to drink alcohol occasionally when you are not with him?

MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 02/09/2022 16:51

You're keeping your drinking secret so yes, you are a secret drinker.

Your husband sounds like a controlling preachy prick.

Enjoy a drink at home if that's what you want to do and tell him to keep his opinions to himself.

Apl · 02/09/2022 16:57

Yes your husband is being controlling.

Yes it is secret drinking, but it isn’t addiction. You’re continuing to indulge in secret a hobby your husband disapproves of, a bit like doing secret art classes.

My worry for you is not the drink, it’s you growing apart from your husband as he becomes someone you can’t talk to freely about your day for fear of his criticism and moaning. He needs to take a look at his behaviour if this marriage is going to last forever.

AbsolutelyLoveIy · 02/09/2022 16:57

I wouldn’t tolerate my husband doing this to me

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 17:00

Honestly I think you need to talk to him. Just tell him you will be having a couple of drinks at home a couple of times a week as you see fit. And you want him to keep his opinions To himself but you didn’t sign up to be teetotal

you shouldn’t have to hide it and go drinking on your own.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/09/2022 17:01

Lippyass · 02/09/2022 16:23

You're planning your week around secretly drinking alcohol. This is a problem.

@Lippyass

are you her annoying husband?

these people who stopped drinking cos they themselves couldn’t handle it are so annoying with their judgemental comments and projection

i would tell him to sod off and let me enjoy my wine

BellePeppa · 02/09/2022 17:01

Hmm, my ex was an alcoholic and to my mind anyone who is planning their time around having secret drinks has, or will have, a drink problem. Personally if I now had a partner who was having secret drinks or ‘needed’ regular drinks to relax etc they would be shown the door.

Fairylightsongs · 02/09/2022 17:03

BellePeppa · 02/09/2022 17:01

Hmm, my ex was an alcoholic and to my mind anyone who is planning their time around having secret drinks has, or will have, a drink problem. Personally if I now had a partner who was having secret drinks or ‘needed’ regular drinks to relax etc they would be shown the door.

She’s not planning her time round secret drinks and she clearly doesn’t have a drink problem. He does. As it seems do you.

dollyblack · 02/09/2022 17:04

I dont really keep it a secret i just dont really mention it 🤷🏻‍♀️ He doesn't pass judgement on my drinking- tbh he’d not have a leg to stand on as i am very moderate and don’t ever get messy drunk. I might go a walk in the evening and nip in to a bar for a glass of wine while i read my book, or something like that. Lots of pubs near me.

my partners drinking was a big issue, and him stopping has been overall very positive but i still miss that part of our life together.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 02/09/2022 17:18

It's fine - carry on! I even envy your secret drinks in seaside bars. But it's such a pity that your DH is so judgey and preachy. It must drive a wedge between you.

Oldhabitsarehardtobreak · 02/09/2022 18:00

I’m assuming your DH is now anti alcohol partly as he doesn’t want to be tempted back.

As an ex drinker myself, I did appreciate DH’s support by going alcohol free himself in the early days, but he does have a couple of evenings where he will now have a drink or two and I have no issue with that. I think I’d be more annoyed if he was secretly drinking tbh. I am wondering how your DH doesn’t know though, how is he not smelling it on your breath?