Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To quietly leave a friendship group?

38 replies

AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit · 02/09/2022 15:17

I've been part of a group of six since going to uni together, still all live in the same city. As life has moved on over the past 10 years I just don't feel we have much in common any more. Meet ups are infrequent and, to be honest, I don't want to give up my limited free time to spend a £60 on wine and dinner. I allocate £10 a week as disposable income so I have to dip into savings to cover it.

I've just started politely declining, but it has been noted as there was a rash of meetups over the summer holiday. AIBU to continue politely saying no thanks? I don't actually dislike them or bear them any ill-feeling so officially breaking up with them seems a bit over the top!

OP posts:
ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 15:19

Yeah they're not your people. 'Friendship groups' are very immature anyway. It's what girls at high school have. You can do better Flowers

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/09/2022 15:19

I'd just keep declining and eventually they'll probably make a group without you

IglesiasPiggl · 02/09/2022 15:20

I would just not respond on the group rather than actively declining.

MsChatterbox · 02/09/2022 15:22

How would you feel about meeting up if there wasn't a £60 price tag? If its just that element maybe you could suggest something else. If not then yes just keep declining!

latetothefisting · 02/09/2022 15:27

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 15:19

Yeah they're not your people. 'Friendship groups' are very immature anyway. It's what girls at high school have. You can do better Flowers

Wtf? Sorry I didn't realise that after 18 we were only allowed to socialise with one friend at a time as having groups of friends is immature!

Bonkers post aside, OP agree that just not attending meet ups is the best way of backing away, no need for any drama or big discusions etc. Time is precious and there's no point in spending money you can't afford in meeting up with people you no longer gel with....although if you have friends you get on well with I maintain its perfectly allowed to meet up with them in any quanitities!!!

AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2022 15:29

latetothefisting · 02/09/2022 15:27

Wtf? Sorry I didn't realise that after 18 we were only allowed to socialise with one friend at a time as having groups of friends is immature!

Bonkers post aside, OP agree that just not attending meet ups is the best way of backing away, no need for any drama or big discusions etc. Time is precious and there's no point in spending money you can't afford in meeting up with people you no longer gel with....although if you have friends you get on well with I maintain its perfectly allowed to meet up with them in any quanitities!!!

Show quote history

i know right? What an odd comment 😂

Watchthesunrise · 02/09/2022 15:32

Female friendships are precious. If it's the money that's an issue, suggest a free activity like a Sunday morning walk or a trip to a gallery or something instead.

UmbilicusProfundus · 02/09/2022 15:34

Do you have many other friends?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/09/2022 15:39

Do you want to end the friendships completely or just distance a bit but still see them less frequently.

if you want to end it completely I’d just tell them you’re very busy at the moment and not available to meet up (no mention of a future meet up). They’ll soon get the message. Possibly leave a group chat if there is one.

It’s harder if you want to keep some contact. Just decline what you want and attend what you want. Just be prepared that they might stop inviting you all together.

FYI - I also find the idea that friendship groups are immature odd. People have friendship groups throughout life don’t they (not me because I’m socially awkward 😂 but normal people do).

Ihatethenewlook · 02/09/2022 15:41

I think these aren’t really your friends if every meet up has to involve money. And I completely disagree with people slagging off friendship groups. Why are you only allowed to be friends with individual people? I’ve got a childhood friendship group, a group of mums I’ve bonded with over baby groups, a friendship group with neighbours from my estate, and a group of people from one of my old workplaces. In each group we’re at least vaguely aware of each other’s financial situation, and whether it’s more reasonable to suggest meeting up for dinner and a cocktail, or a bus to the free museum or duck pond. Can’t you say to them you’re a bit skint and suggest something cheaper?

Mossygreenchypre · 02/09/2022 15:42

I don't get these friendship groups who "note " when a member is not joining in, surely mature adults understand that we have different priorities as we move on in life.
Just tell it straight, you have limited time, little spare cash and you just don't fancy the outing.

😆LOL the above is probably why I'm not in a friendship group, the odd one out was usually me.

I think it'll pretty rude to just not respond, I find the practice of ghosting people who haven't harmed you cowardly.

Hotandbothereds · 02/09/2022 15:45

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 15:19

Yeah they're not your people. 'Friendship groups' are very immature anyway. It's what girls at high school have. You can do better Flowers

How do you work that out? Should everyone just ditch their mates at a certain age?

I’ve heard of women being judged on what they wear etc but judging people as immature for having friends is a whole other level 😆

Hotandbothereds · 02/09/2022 15:47

MsChatterbox · 02/09/2022 15:22

How would you feel about meeting up if there wasn't a £60 price tag? If its just that element maybe you could suggest something else. If not then yes just keep declining!

This, does it always have to be an expensive outing? If you like them can’t you just drop round for a coffee, or go for a walk?

oopsfellover · 02/09/2022 15:51

Not unreasonable to not want to spend £60 on something you won’t enjoy, but are you sure you’d be OK to lose five friendships? It seems a lot of people to let go, unless you really have no interest in them anymore.

Original poster
AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit · 02/09/2022 16:04

It is only partly the money. There were walks over lockdown which I didn't really enjoy either, I just feel like we're now very different people.

I don't actively dislike them, hence the not wanting to upset them by telling them I don't want to hang out together. Plus I can't be arsed with drama. I just don't want to feel obliged to give up my time doing something I don't enjoy.

And I do have some other friends. Not many, because I've always enjoyed my own company, but I do! They don't feel like hard work in the same way this has started to over the past few years.

OP posts:
Hadjab · 02/09/2022 16:22

Mossygreenchypre · 02/09/2022 15:42

I don't get these friendship groups who "note " when a member is not joining in, surely mature adults understand that we have different priorities as we move on in life.
Just tell it straight, you have limited time, little spare cash and you just don't fancy the outing.

😆LOL the above is probably why I'm not in a friendship group, the odd one out was usually me.

I think it'll pretty rude to just not respond, I find the practice of ghosting people who haven't harmed you cowardly.

Why wouldn't it be noticed? If someone from my friendship group is constantly turning down invites, then something is wrong, be it financial, emotional, etc. Why wouldn't I want to support them if possible? They are, after all, my friend, and friends help friends, don't they?

Mummadeze · 02/09/2022 16:27

I ditched a friendship group by basically not really being available. I said I was going through a tough time financially which was true at the time, and then they actually kind of ditched me which was what I wanted. I didn’t dislike them but I found them shallow compared to other friends I had made. It was all about being glam and going to fancy places, and that isn’t really me. Still friends on Facebook, no hard feelings. You can probably fizzle it out if you aren’t super close with any of them individually.

Mossygreenchypre · 02/09/2022 16:42

Hadjab · 02/09/2022 16:22

Why wouldn't it be noticed? If someone from my friendship group is constantly turning down invites, then something is wrong, be it financial, emotional, etc. Why wouldn't I want to support them if possible? They are, after all, my friend, and friends help friends, don't they?

Show quote history

Fair enough, but the op didn't mention that anyone had contacted her to offer support did she.
The op used the term "noted" not noticed.
Something being noted sounds semi officious to me.
True friends notice and care, they don't keep tabs.
Any true friend will keep in touch, because they like you as an individual not because you belong to a group.

Glad you enjoy your friendship group, but again the op has stated she doesn't enjoy belonging to her's anymore.

Astrabees · 02/09/2022 16:50

I’m one of a group of 6 old schoolfriends who have always kept in touch (49 years since we left school) we tend to meet up at each other’s houses for lunch - more relaxed than a restaurant. Sometimes we might meet up for just a drink. We are all relatively well of but would never spend £60 a head on a Lunch.

idonotmind · 02/09/2022 16:52

I just don't want to feel obliged to give up my time doing something I don't enjoy.

This. So don't -

Electricstar · 02/09/2022 16:53

OP you are not a bad person and shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on from people that no longer fit for you
I have many times had friends either gradually fade away from me and vise versa
I’m not friends with every single person I’ve become friends with anymore and most of the time it’s due to drifting apart rather than a fall out

I don’t think you require announcing your fare wells to these people unless they ask you outright
You don’t even need to fully cut them out either if you didn’t want too
I have friends who I see a couple of times a year and best friends who I see more often
It is okay to have different kind of friendships too

user1477391263 · 02/09/2022 20:23

With the cost of living crisis, there may be others in the group who are secretly thinking the same. If you do still get something out of the friendship, why not broach the subject and ask if others would be interested in a walk or picnic?

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 22:24

@latetothefisting Just because I have a differing opinion to you, doesn't give you the right to hurl abuse and call me names. Grow up

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 22:27

@AryaStarkWolf It's hardly odd love! It's not particularly mature for grown women to be running a 'friendship club' like a bunch of kids, is it? Fair enough a few friends go to dinner every once in a while but to have a fully fledged 'friendship group' to be a 'member' of is quite frankly hilarious! 🤣

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/09/2022 22:28

Mossygreenchypre · 02/09/2022 15:42

I don't get these friendship groups who "note " when a member is not joining in, surely mature adults understand that we have different priorities as we move on in life.
Just tell it straight, you have limited time, little spare cash and you just don't fancy the outing.

😆LOL the above is probably why I'm not in a friendship group, the odd one out was usually me.

I think it'll pretty rude to just not respond, I find the practice of ghosting people who haven't harmed you cowardly.

EXACTLY my point!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻