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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should this bother me?

48 replies

Tabletop34 · 02/09/2022 14:42

I got married last month and I decided not to change my surname. We let everyone know I wasn’t changing it and I even had a long discussion with my MiL about why I wasn’t

why then are all cards addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith. Is it petty that it’s bothering me that people who know I’m not changing my name are still putting that?.

Even the card from ILs was addressed like that and it feels almost passive aggressive from them because we discussed at length about the name change (but that may be me reading too much into it as we have an otherwise great relationship).

I feel like tradition is taking over rather than people actually listening to what I want

on a separate issue I also take offence at the full name of my husband being used and I’m reduced to Mrs his name but I know that’s petty 🤣🤣

aibu to find this annoying and when do I point out that’s not my name?

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 02/09/2022 14:44

Only you can answer if it should bother you
Wouldn't bother me

veiledsentiments · 02/09/2022 14:46

Been married 26 years and kept my own name. Even my parents put Mr and Mrs husband’s surname. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2022 14:47

That would really annoy me.

misskatamari · 02/09/2022 14:48

Yeah it would piss me off. I hate the old fashioned “mr and Mrs husbands name then surname” like you’re not even a person. Fuck off!

thankfully DH took my surname so we don’t have this problem 😂

ShirleyPhallus · 02/09/2022 14:49

Similar but when our daughter was born she had a family middle name from his side and one from my side. My MIL decided the one from my side was invisible and left it out when telling her extended family about the baby’s name

i was extremely pissed off and got DH to sort it with her

you need to do the same if it’s bothering you, don’t bother addressing it directly but get your husband to say to his mum “you know that’s not actually her name though right mum?”

Catch21 · 02/09/2022 14:51

It wouldn't bother me if people incorrectly assumed I had changed my name (although the first name thing would - this is v old fashioned IMO), but I'd be a bit irritated by the people who definitely know I haven't.

NotLactoseFree · 02/09/2022 14:53

Oh dear OP. Lots and lots of people will tell you that yes, you are being petty and silly.

For the record, I disagree with those people and think it's astonishingly annoying and very disrespectful. Never understood how before we got married we could get post addressed to Miss Lactose and Mr Peanut but post wedding, it's "too hard to remember".

Also, at some point it becomes problematic - when they send a cheque made out to Mrs DHName. Or you have to go to the post office to collect a parcel but can't prove that you are Mrs DHName.

Cas112 · 02/09/2022 14:57

I would have returned the cards 😂🤷🏽‍♀️ but I'm petty

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/09/2022 14:58

Catch21 · 02/09/2022 14:51

It wouldn't bother me if people incorrectly assumed I had changed my name (although the first name thing would - this is v old fashioned IMO), but I'd be a bit irritated by the people who definitely know I haven't.

It is important if it concerns your bank account or anything else legal and they have the wrong name. My sister kept her own name but our dad used Mrs Husbandsname in his will. It caused a problem getting her share although it did get sorted out eventually.

x2boys · 02/09/2022 15:00

It wouldn't bother me but i took my dh,s last name when we got married ,
But only you can say if it bothers you.

Busybeeble · 02/09/2022 15:01

Yeah, this would and has pissed me off.

I had to train my gran out of putting Mr and Mrs his name his surname

We also had issues with joint cheques in Mr and Mrs his names and had to ask them to rewrite them which was awkward.

I didn’t mind the assumption I had his surname too much if they didn’t know but I hated the Mrs his first name nonsense - and if they’d been told my name hadn’t changed but persisted with Mrs surname i made a big deal until they stopped

I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s petty or whatever , it’s MY NAME and I’m entitled (literally) to have the correct one used. it took years for the kids school to stop calling Mrs his surname.

“It’s Ms my surname”, over and over until they got it…

x2boys · 02/09/2022 15:01

Cas112 · 02/09/2022 14:57

I would have returned the cards 😂🤷🏽‍♀️ but I'm petty

Would you send back the presents as well?

Thomasina79 · 02/09/2022 15:02

What I hate is people putting my DH Christian name on letters addressed to me! Usually things like Christmas cards. Petty, but it annoys me. FWIW I did take his surname, but only because I preferred it to my maiden name!

tulippa · 02/09/2022 15:03

This pisses me right off. I don't open post that comes addressed like that because my name's not on it, therefore it's not for me. Petty maybe, but I think it's rude not to write someone's name correctly.

BonesOfWhatYouBelieve · 02/09/2022 15:04

I don't think you're unreasonable to be bothered by it.

But you say "why then are all the cards addressed.." - is it just wedding congratulation cards that you mean? Are people maybe clumsily just putting that because it's a wedding card, but would use your actual name if they sent you a birthday card for example? Obviously if you've only just got married only time will tell for that of course.

Littleelffriend · 02/09/2022 15:05

With me, DP and I are not married and our kids have my last name. His side of the family address everything to them with his last name. Makes me mad

TeeBee · 02/09/2022 15:07

That's fucking rude in my opinion. I'd start calling them by a different Christian name, see if they like it.

MassiveSalad22 · 02/09/2022 15:07

misskatamari · 02/09/2022 14:48

Yeah it would piss me off. I hate the old fashioned “mr and Mrs husbands name then surname” like you’re not even a person. Fuck off!

thankfully DH took my surname so we don’t have this problem 😂

So people manage to remember the man’s post-marriage name, but not a woman’s? That’s extra irritating!! I bet if you’d kept your name and he’d kept his they’d be calling you Mrs DHName. Hopefully you know non-pass-agg people but seems they’re few and far between 😄

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2022 15:08

Mrs Joan and Mr John Smith would raise an eyebrow and I'd live with it.

Mrs. John Smith would be returned with 'not known at this address' on it.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 15:08

It wouldn't bother me. Especially as they're using his first name too. It's a bit old school.

Would you prefer if was address to Mr Smith and Mrs/Ms (do they know which title you're using?) Jones? Is that not a bit unnecessary?

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/09/2022 15:09

Why was it necessary to discuss with your mother in law that your name before the wedding would the same as your name after?

Did you husband have the same discussion with your parents? If not, why not?

Rainbowbaby13 · 02/09/2022 15:11

It's a pretty minor thing I wouldn't waste the energy getting wound up

Thedungeondragon · 02/09/2022 15:13

Yes that would annoy me. They are basically addressing you as the name they think you should have rather than your actual name because you are female.

TinaTurtle · 02/09/2022 15:14

Congratulations!

I got married quite recently and kept my surname. Pretty much all of our wedding cards were addressed to Mr & Mrs Husbandname but everyone has reverted back to addressing me by my own name since. I haven't had to say anything about it. I think the wedding card thing was just that.

It did feel a bit old fashioned and I was surprised that even all my friends did it, not just older relatives. Just people thinking they're getting into the wedding sprit though, I think.

Choconut · 02/09/2022 15:16

It's juts traditional I guess, not something I'd do but something I wouldn't get upset about even though I kept my own name. Then I had kids and drifted between both surnames.

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