Should this bother me?

[Tabletop34]

I got married last month and I decided not to change my surname. We let everyone know I wasn’t changing it and I even had a long discussion with my MiL about why I wasn’t

why then are all cards addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith. Is it petty that it’s bothering me that people who know I’m not changing my name are still putting that?.

Even the card from ILs was addressed like that and it feels almost passive aggressive from them because we discussed at length about the name change (but that may be me reading too much into it as we have an otherwise great relationship).

I feel like tradition is taking over rather than people actually listening to what I want

on a separate issue I also take offence at the full name of my husband being used and I’m reduced to Mrs his name but I know that’s petty 🤣🤣

aibu to find this annoying and when do I point out that’s not my name?

Why get married?
IMO - marriage is tradition

Taking your husbands surname is Tradition.

I was proud to change my name.
We’ve been married almost 40 years and I’m still proud to have his surname.

I don’t think many people still use the husband’s first name….I don’t remember ever receiving cards like that when I was married and that was twenty years ago!

So I think they’re being passive aggressive. Ignore though because if they are being passive aggressive they’ll gaslight and you’ll be even more irritated.

Rise above. You have more useful things to think about and act upon, after all.

IMO marriage is a legal contract which will ensure I have certain rights if the marriage ends for any reason, we don't all see it the same way 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get why you are annoyed bc a similar thing happened to me. Before we got married, my MIL told me that if I didn't take her son's last name that the marriage was illegal and continued to make that argument even after I printed out a page from the government website! Then we had the whole 'how we will address cards to you?' which I responded with our first names? Was told that was inappropriate. In the end after three years of cards being addressed to 'his name' and Mrs (maiden name) married name - complete with brackets around my name - I got my husband to have a word and it eventually stopped. To me it is disrespectful of your wishes and reduces your choices to something that can be ignored..

@x2boys if they was address the same way, yes probably 😂

I think when it comes to mail from family after a wedding its more of an assumption of the brides surname even if you had flyers around the area you live people would still do it

I would be more annoyed if it was official letters etc

You know exactly why not.

Because it's been traditional since the year dot that women take their husband's surname - that's why not.

YANBU OP, if they know you didn't take his surname then they're either being lazy or passive aggressive.

Burning women at the stake who were thought to be witches was a tradition too. Should we keep traditions just cos they’ve been done historically?

@Borntobeamum fantastic. Fo you, changing your name has been a wonderful and empowering thing. Go for it.

I did not change my name. I think name changing is ridiculous and old fashioned.

Here's the rub.... I will always address you as Mrs DHSurname because that is the name YOU chose and I respect that. Why people can't respect that I chose NOT to take DH's name is beyond me.

thank you for all of the replies. Mixed response but I’m feeling a bit more justified in feeling this way!!

At the moment it is just wedding cards/gifts so maybe they will go back to ‘normal’ for future things like birthday cards. It just rubbed me up the wrong way for the ones who knew I wasn’t changing my name to put it. But as long as they don’t carry it on, I’ll get over the wedding cards saying it.

maybe I’ll end up doing an update the next time we get post 🤣

I didn't change my name

It wouldn't bother me, at all. Id be glad people had thought of us

We had an anniversary card the other day with just his name on it, like I don't exist , with or without a name...hahah but i dont care. If the sender is trying to send a message, they do not know me well

maybe I’ll end up doing an update the next time we get post

Also, if you can navigate your way through the shit advanced search, have a look at all the other threads about this.

In my experience you sometimes have to train people to do it, especially the older generation.

After reminding my gran every Christmas for a few years that I didn’t change my name she eventually got it right, and I gently corrected school staff until they did too.

I don’t get annoyed by the assumption I’m Mrs Hissurname, i just politely correct people when it comes up. But I will get very assertive with anyone who calls me Mrs Hisfirstname Hissurname as I find it offensive and will calmly, politely but firmly explain why and ask them to stop.

We got married for various reasons but tradition wasn’t one of them. We had a wedding without the usual transfer of property from father to husband and both men and women made (brief) speeches.

Which name is your bank account in? It could be important. Choose a name and stick with it.

"Burning women at the stake who were thought to be witches was a tradition too. Should we keep traditions just cos they’ve been done historically?"

Absolutely 😂

Wouldn't bother me at all.

If people know you still have your name, then it’s rude. It bothers me too, it’s fine if people don’t know (even if I think they’re being a bit behind with the times in assuming). It’s like when people call me a nickname of my name (I’m known by my full name), and they’ve only just met me. It’s not my name!!!! I’m surprised people are ok with being called a name that’s not theirs. I’ve had Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs ‘husband’s initial’ ‘husband’s surname’. That really winds me up!!

It would bother me. It's simply not your name, is it?

That would properly piss me off. Those cards aren’t addressed to you.

Yes of course it’s annoying - it’s not your name and people are ignoring what you’ve told them. Do men have to deal with this sort of shit? No. Just another small irritation/micro-aggression in a patriarchal world. Astonishes me how many women think it’s acceptable.

It is bothering you
As they are deliberately undermining you
And simultaneously giving you the metaphoric finger!

Pps who are defending it and saying it wouldn't bother them or that it used to be custom/traditional? Rediculous🤨. I wouldn't be treated like a doormat and am not sure why they would....🤔

I wouldn't take offence to this, only because it's what has been used since like, forever lol

I wouldn't take my partners surname, but wouldn't be offended if people assumed I took his surname.

I would send them Christmas cards with the correct names, and I would politely tell them that that is not your name