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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh minimised talk of my previous therapy

33 replies

Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:19

Last year I had several sessions with a therapist to just talk through some childhood stuff. DH knew I was having these sessions but I didn't go into details and we didn't talk about it.

Last night the concept of psychotherapy came up as an acquaintance has been having it. Dh was interested in it form a curiosity point of view, was looking up how it works and seemed really interested in the basics of psychology. We were having a really good hypothetical discussion about mental health, psychology, coping mechanisms etc (all general).

I wanted to share my experience (for the first time) and started talking about it how helpful I found it. I was going to explain the kinds of things the therapist would say and how helpful they were but he stopped looking at me and diverted all of his attention to out baby once I started talking about this.

He was laughing at baby, sticking out his tongue, cooing at her etc. I stopped speaking after a few sentences when I realised he didn't want to hear. I felt really stupid, too embarrassed to say anything.

I picked the baby up hoping DH would snap out of being distracted, but instead he started asking what I wanted to do this weekend. I was kind of neutral in my responses and just went to bed with the baby. When my husband changed the subject, he was acting extra upbeat in a way I can't put my finger on. It let me know that he knew what he had done and was trying to gloss over it.

Dh slept in the living room as the baby has been up a lot lately in the night to breastfeed and I don't like him being in the bed while we co-sleep. I haven't seen him since last night but every time I woke up during the night, I felt hurt.

For context, relationship is generally fine but he can be a bit weird about my emotions. We previously had a strongly worded conversation years ago because he had a habit of not listening to me, eg talking over me when I was talking or walking put of the room when I was mid sentence. He pretty much stopped when I told him I hated it.

Was I BU to feel hurt that he chose that moment to blow raspberries at our baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:22

By the way, I am totally open to the fact I am overthinking this!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 08:22

YANBU because he was rude but he might feel like it's an invasion of your privacy if you divulge everything from those sessions to him

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:25

Maybe. But if I initiated it surely that suggested I was comfortable with it. Maybe not, I don't know. It just made me feel a bit stupid but am happy to accept that's Maybe my own issue.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 08:33

Some men really struggle with the idea of their partner needing stuff. It terrifies them. They'd rather not know so they can't fail to step up because they 'didn't know'.
They want a superficial relationship.
Sex, fun, company, shared goals. Yes.
Intimacy? Maybe not.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:35

picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 08:33

Some men really struggle with the idea of their partner needing stuff. It terrifies them. They'd rather not know so they can't fail to step up because they 'didn't know'.
They want a superficial relationship.
Sex, fun, company, shared goals. Yes.
Intimacy? Maybe not.

Yes. I agree. Dh really struggled when I was in labour with our kids and after I had surgery. After I had a c section I needed help to get in the shower and I could see he was absolutely mortified. Yes, this.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 08:44

If he's generally a good one, you could point it out and suggest he get counselling about it?

Or you could settle. At least you know, now.

MintJulia · 02/09/2022 08:45

picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 08:33

Some men really struggle with the idea of their partner needing stuff. It terrifies them. They'd rather not know so they can't fail to step up because they 'didn't know'.
They want a superficial relationship.
Sex, fun, company, shared goals. Yes.
Intimacy? Maybe not.

This A lot of men seem to struggle with anything too personal. The theory is fine but it needs to be about someone else. Bring it too close to home and they don't cope well.

Sunnyqueen · 02/09/2022 08:49

Sounds like he's on the defensive because he knows it's shitty of him that he didnt show the same interest in you at the time you were having your therapy.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:49

picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 08:44

If he's generally a good one, you could point it out and suggest he get counselling about it?

Or you could settle. At least you know, now.

He is generally a good one and we have been married for 10 years and together about 15 but I'd didn't realise this about him in the early days. He is actually great generally.

OP posts:
holidayhonesty · 02/09/2022 08:49

Mine was exactly the same. Any time (which was very rarely - I hardly spoke about it) I mentioned my own therapy he would try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I found it really hurtful.

We have since done couple's therapy where we've touched on my own therapy. I think he was threatened by it and worried that it would perhaps highlight to me some of his shortcomings!!

No real answers but YANBU to feel hurt by his reaction. Can you talk to him about how you feel?

TooHotToTangoToo · 02/09/2022 08:50

I was physically abused by my previous partner. My now dh is an amazing man, kind and thoughtful but he really struggles to discuss this. I think because it upsets him so much to think that happened to me, and he can't do anything about it, he almost can't (or won't) process it. He knows what happened, but not the details, and doesn't want to know the details. For quite a time he'd just not ask or change the subject. We ended up having a conversation about his reaction, it turns out It's not because he doesn't care, it's because he does care but just can't process it, or change the outcome for me

parrotonmyshoulder · 02/09/2022 08:50

I would guess he doesn’t know how to handle his own feelings about your emotions.
My DH is like this. I stopped expressing mine for many years, eventually almost stopped feeling them.
Similar situation to yours around labour and childbirth.
Finally came to a head and I was ready to leave. He has had several years of counselling since then (as have I, separately) and there are great improvements between us, and in our other relationships. Nowhere near perfect as there are decades of repression to unpick!

Read Brene Brown if you can, or watch her on YouTube, talking about vulnerability.

holidayhonesty · 02/09/2022 08:50

MintJulia · 02/09/2022 08:45

This A lot of men seem to struggle with anything too personal. The theory is fine but it needs to be about someone else. Bring it too close to home and they don't cope well.

Show quote history

Yes, and I agree with this too.

Catch21 · 02/09/2022 08:50

To be fair to your DH. If the two of you (both you and him by the sounds of it) have never talked about your therapy, I can understand him being a bit freaked out when he suddenly realised "that" conversation was coming. It's a big one! Maybe he felt it wasn't the right moment to get into something so heavy, especially with the baby there?

If you want to discuss it with him, maybe give him a heads up and find a better time to do it?

If he totally shuts you down and never wants to discuss it, I agree that's a bit rubbish.

SquirrelSoShiny · 02/09/2022 08:52

Some men can be really shallow but it's often down to how they have been raised. They're encouraged to lock in emotions rather than actually feeling them and acknowledging them. You may find that over time you meet in the middle more but in my experience women are generally more at ease with intimate sharing of their inner lives than men are.

I feel sorry for men sometimes. We want them to be all things to us. Strong, practical types who are also emotionally vulnerable and open. All of us have to learn this stuff on the way unless we've won the lottery in parenting terms and been really taught well about how to deal with emotions.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:54

I don't mean to drip feed but he is very close to his family and I sometimes worry that he talks about my emotional stuff with them. In order to avoid him oversharing, I don't tend to share very personal stuff with him. For me, I felt the responsible thing to do was to speak to a therapist rather than burden him. I have some childhood hangups about not making people keep secrets where I can help it.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 09:00

There's a difference between keeping secrets and respecting your partner's privacy.

I think you need to talk this through together.

You need him to let you be more open with him
He needs to know where he can go for support if he needs it- who can he talk it through with. Can he say ' I'm struggling, DW has shared some big things with me and it's left me feeling a bit unsettled' as long as he doesn't give details, for example.

Have the conversation about it, even if you never actually do it.

It gets easier when you clarify the rules.

SquirrelSoShiny · 02/09/2022 09:03

Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 08:54

I don't mean to drip feed but he is very close to his family and I sometimes worry that he talks about my emotional stuff with them. In order to avoid him oversharing, I don't tend to share very personal stuff with him. For me, I felt the responsible thing to do was to speak to a therapist rather than burden him. I have some childhood hangups about not making people keep secrets where I can help it.

OK well at least he sounds emotionally intelligent. Maybe have more therapy. If you normally keep things to yourself he was probably just caught off guard by you suddenly opening up. He didn't quite know what to do with it maybe.

Butterbean9 · 02/09/2022 09:07

Catch21 · 02/09/2022 08:50

To be fair to your DH. If the two of you (both you and him by the sounds of it) have never talked about your therapy, I can understand him being a bit freaked out when he suddenly realised "that" conversation was coming. It's a big one! Maybe he felt it wasn't the right moment to get into something so heavy, especially with the baby there?

If you want to discuss it with him, maybe give him a heads up and find a better time to do it?

If he totally shuts you down and never wants to discuss it, I agree that's a bit rubbish.

It wasn't really up to him to decide if it was the best time though, was it? OP obviously felt it was a good time, so it would be quite patronising for him to overrule her.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 09:09

picklemewalnuts · 02/09/2022 09:00

There's a difference between keeping secrets and respecting your partner's privacy.

I think you need to talk this through together.

You need him to let you be more open with him
He needs to know where he can go for support if he needs it- who can he talk it through with. Can he say ' I'm struggling, DW has shared some big things with me and it's left me feeling a bit unsettled' as long as he doesn't give details, for example.

Have the conversation about it, even if you never actually do it.

It gets easier when you clarify the rules.

When we met, I was the other way. I told him stuff and swore him to secrecy about everything: big things and small.

He got so confused about things he could say and those he couldn't that it made me realise that I was treating him in the way I was treated growing up (parentified, lots of family secrets). I stopped telling DH anything. He did tell me that I could trust him with big stuff but I decided I can't risk it.

The thought of him repeating my family dysfunctions to my in laws horrified me and I don't want to know exactly what he has let slip in the past. I was hugely burdened with secrets as a child and carry huge amounts of shame when I speak about the family to anyone.

A lot of the need to talk lifted with the therapy, but now I don't broach it and DH doesn't ask. I think last night came from a mixture of him feeling guilty that he has betrayed me in the past (I suspect) and surprise as i rarely talk about it, to prevent giving him any sensitive information.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 02/09/2022 09:10

Butterbean9 · 02/09/2022 09:07

It wasn't really up to him to decide if it was the best time though, was it? OP obviously felt it was a good time, so it would be quite patronising for him to overrule her.

Show quote history

Yes but equally we don't get to spring intense conversations on people AND have control over their response. There's the ideal response and then there's the actual response and sadly there is often quite a gap between the two!

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 09:11

Thanks for your the responses, reading each one very appreciatively but don't have time to reply individually at the minute x

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 02/09/2022 09:15

Abuse is heavy stuff, it can be quite triggering. I think it’s fine for him not to want to listen, if he would struggle. You can’t know for sure that it’s not triggering for him.
I understand you might want to talk about it but I think he showed you where his boundary is. You also need to respect it. That’s why you have a therapist.
Yabu

Peashoots · 02/09/2022 09:16

I’m really surprised at the responses. I think he behaved really shitty, and beyond rude. It isn’t about HIS feelings or emotions, op and he should have listened to you. I’m sorry.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 09:22

HikingforScenery · 02/09/2022 09:15

Abuse is heavy stuff, it can be quite triggering. I think it’s fine for him not to want to listen, if he would struggle. You can’t know for sure that it’s not triggering for him.
I understand you might want to talk about it but I think he showed you where his boundary is. You also need to respect it. That’s why you have a therapist.
Yabu

I agree with this actually which is why I saw atherapist in the first place. I wasn't going to go into serious details, just talk about the techniques the therapist used. But yeah, I'm with you and I'm actually a big proponent for boundaries.

OP posts: