Dh minimised talk of my previous therapy

[Sepiarose]

Last year I had several sessions with a therapist to just talk through some childhood stuff. DH knew I was having these sessions but I didn't go into details and we didn't talk about it.

Last night the concept of psychotherapy came up as an acquaintance has been having it. Dh was interested in it form a curiosity point of view, was looking up how it works and seemed really interested in the basics of psychology. We were having a really good hypothetical discussion about mental health, psychology, coping mechanisms etc (all general).

I wanted to share my experience (for the first time) and started talking about it how helpful I found it. I was going to explain the kinds of things the therapist would say and how helpful they were but he stopped looking at me and diverted all of his attention to out baby once I started talking about this.

He was laughing at baby, sticking out his tongue, cooing at her etc. I stopped speaking after a few sentences when I realised he didn't want to hear. I felt really stupid, too embarrassed to say anything.

I picked the baby up hoping DH would snap out of being distracted, but instead he started asking what I wanted to do this weekend. I was kind of neutral in my responses and just went to bed with the baby. When my husband changed the subject, he was acting extra upbeat in a way I can't put my finger on. It let me know that he knew what he had done and was trying to gloss over it.

Dh slept in the living room as the baby has been up a lot lately in the night to breastfeed and I don't like him being in the bed while we co-sleep. I haven't seen him since last night but every time I woke up during the night, I felt hurt.

For context, relationship is generally fine but he can be a bit weird about my emotions. We previously had a strongly worded conversation years ago because he had a habit of not listening to me, eg talking over me when I was talking or walking put of the room when I was mid sentence. He pretty much stopped when I told him I hated it.

Was I BU to feel hurt that he chose that moment to blow raspberries at our baby?

Thank you. I think maybe I took him off guard. Just talking about it here makes me feel better.

My ex got very weird when I started therapy. He kept making ‘jokes’ about how the therapist was going to tell me everything was his fault and that I should leave him. Looking back, they weren’t jokes at all, I think he was genuinely afraid of what the therapy would do to our relationship because it was a very toxic one, and I certainly wasn’t happy in it, and we both knew that deep down.

It sounds like your husband panicked at the thought of hearing about your therapy in detail for the first time and wasn’t quite ready for that conversation. I can understand you being very hurt by his response though. Can you find a nice quiet moment, once the baby is in bed, to sit him down and ask why he reacted like that, and tell him that it hurt you?

Your relationship dynamic sounds a bit strange if you never tell him anything and have all these concerns about secrets being spilled, and he’s confused about what he is or isn’t allowed to tell his own family. It sounds like you’ve kind of gone from one extreme to the other in that respect. Would couples counselling be an option to help you unpack some of that?

Perhaps the idea that you are vulnerable is an issue for him.
Maybe he's nervous that you might be discussing him or getting insights that might lead you to 'counsel' him indirectly.

My xH couldn't handle it at all either.

Your H was quite rude but suspect he didn't know how to say stop I don't want to hear

It isn’t about HIS feelings or emotions, op

Well, I disagree! Why do the feelings and emotions of one half of a couple trump those of the other? He obviously found the conversation uncomfortable and diverted it, in a rather clumsy way, admittedly, but surely his feelings are as valid as the op’s?

I agree. He has feelings about this too. It's about both of them managing their emotions.

As someone who was emotionally dumped on for years in childhood, I honestly am aware of how unfair it is to have someone use you to get heavy stuff off their chest. I was just going to talk about strategies the therapist suggested rather than what we talked about. However I guess he didn't know what was coming. I know he struggles with any kind of emotional rawness from me (which is why I don't reveal it often).

I'm going to accept it was the wrong time, wrong place, I changed the tone of the conversation and it freaked him out.

You are carrying quite a lot of the burden of the relationship I feel. As in, protecting him from a lot as well as yourself. Something to think about.

It's always a learning curve, recovering from difficult family dynamics. It's never over and settled. We swing back and for the from overcompensating to falling back into old habits.

The relationship is both of your responsibility to work at and protect, not just yours.

If you've previously sworn him to privacy over every thing you've told him, then I can see why he changed the subject.

It is a big thing to be someone's 'ear', and it can be a huge burden to the listener, especially if its abuse.

I’ve had an abusive childhood, and DH just doesn't know what to do with the information when I tell him. He is close to his family, and it's almost like he cannot process my horrors because he hasn't experienced anything like it.

Being fair to him, my DH probably wouldn't want to know either. Difference is I've always been upfront, but for you, this is a first time for sharing and it could have freaked him out. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, or your feelings if you've been hurt.