Trigger warning, friend and her ex

[WouldUShouldI]

Hi all,

A few years ago I posted about one of my oldest friends partner sexually assaulting me quite nastily.

I am married and have been happily married for a 11 years. My DH and my ex friend's tinder partner (who I'll refer to as twat) became friends and we all spent time together, days/nights out etc. One evening I didn't fancy going out neither did my friend so we both stayed home in our own houses, my DH and her ex twat went out and ended up returning to my house drunk and carried on drinking.

My DH was very drunk and said he was going to the loo and never returned, when I went to check on him he was fully clothed passed out on our bed. I informed twat my DH was passed out and his mood changed he tried to kiss me....absolutely mortified I said WTF are you doing, he apologised, feeling awkward and shocked I said forget it and made a conversation stating I was shattered and rambled on about being tired. Again he tried to kiss me, I immediately told him he needed to leave. He got up as to leave but dragged me into the lounge and assaulted me on my sofa. At the top of my lungs I screamed my husbands name genuinely feeling petrified.

My husband had been drinking top shelf and I was terrified he wouldn't wake up, I thrashed cried and screamed whilst being punched in the face and throttled. I heard my DH coming down the stairs, twat threw me on the floor and pretended to be asleep on the sofa. My DH saw my split lip, swelling eye bloody nose and without hesitating kicked 10 bells out of twat and dragged him down the drive still beating him.

In shock we sat up all night, I was inconsolable and DH was raging!!

The next day my DF of 20 years messaged me saying her BF came home black and blue and said he was attacked unprovoked by my DH. We put her straight, she was calm and told me to contact the police. My DH sent her pictires of the bite marks and bruises on my breasts, my black eye, my bloody nose and split lip. I did contact the police requesting information (Claire's law) he has been charged with previous. This information was passed onto DF. SHE BLOCKED ME!!

Deeply hurt and confused my life turned into a mess, I drank a lot, I gained over 3 stone because I genuinely wanted to be fat. I know that sounds ridiculous!! My heart was broken and my trust in people gone and my confidence shattered.

I replaced my sofa, I redecorated supported by my DH just to try and make my home feel like my home again and slowly began to put myself back together. I changed my job sorted myself out ad best as I could and slowly moved on.

3 years down the line, I'm doing ok, I am a bit of a recluse, I don't like going out unless we're out of our area, I still have flash backs, I struggle to trust people, I worry if my DH drinks top shelf the smell of brandy and whisky makes me gag in my mouth BUT I AM OK!!

2 nights ago DF messaged my DH asking him to tell me she loves me. SHE STAYED WITH TWAT FOR ALMOST A YEAR after this incident which hurt me the most!! We live in a small area, we have 1 small supermarket which I didn't use for a long long time due to the fear of bumping into twat.

Part of me misses her so much and I think why let twat destroy a 20 plus year old friendship and I long to see her, the next minute I feel hurt anger and rage.

I feel I can't forgive her BUT she has always suffered MH problems since we were young and I do believe she'd of made that year living hell for him. Nevertheless she wasn't there for me at all.

The reason I didn't report him to the police was stupidly I wanted to protect her, secondly I dreaded the thought of facing him again and most importantly we have CCTV on the driveway which clearly filmed my husband giving him a good beating and I was terrified my DH would end up the one in trouble. I have seen the footage once and although I detest this twat it's uncomfortable to watch and distressing. I wasn't brave enough to go through the procedure of "justice" and risk my DH at the same time. No CCTV of what happened in the house only what happened outside. I was scared it would be turned around onto my DH and twat being the victim.

Should I talk to friend and try and move on although I think this would be extremely hard or should I just forget her and move on? I miss her, I share some of the happiest memories of my life so far with her but also now the worst!!

My heart feels heavy and my head is so confused, it's brought so much back to the surface the last few days which I thought I'd buried. I didn't expect to ever talk to her again but I now find myself feeling sorry for her and missing her but also wanting to scream at her although she played no part in that night she stayed with him.

Everytime I lay in bed at the moment it's all running through my head and I can't sleep. My emotions are all over the place 😔

I'd keep your distance from her, in your shoes. I was nearly in your shoes the night before my wedding. I stopped it from getting as far as you describe and was able to shut myself in my car to sleep. Having informed my friend what his friend had tried to do to me, it was brushed off. I walked away from the friendship. The friend he was married to (other friend) has since apologised to me that her now ex was so dismissive of what his friend did to me. It's just one of many incidents for me. But I wouldn't be able to have the friend near me again.

It is probably still worthwhile asking to speak to a special constable who deals with cases like these, and to let them know you don't want to make it official if it'll come back on your partner, but that it probably still needs recording.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. So sorry.

I’m so sorry that you went through that. I couldn’t forgive her.

@Llangfairpwllgwingychgogerychwyndroblllantisilio I am so sorry for what happened to you too 💔 I have made a complaint but withdrew after lack of reassurance off the police that my DH would be ok. I never gave his details though.

@TabithaTittlemouse I don't think I can although I know she's not to blame.

I remember your terrible experience and it brought a lot back to me. I am so sorry that you suffered this and moreover the betrayal by your friend.

My friend did this to me. I loved her. It was so hard. In the end I decided that I couldn't have her inner life because actually it just was not worth it. It is so hard to advise but I just want to say that people should only be in your life if they deserve to be in it. If you feel that she does, no matter what has happened then that is ok. Only you can decide that. If she does not deserve you (which seems likely) the. It is fine to not engage.
I wish you strength and peace OP.

I think for your closure you need to tell her how she let you down and how it has all affected you. And then you need to remove her from your life completely.

I remember your original thread @WouldUShouldI. I've often wondered how you are doing now. I'm glad you're ok. I think you need to talk to her, tell her how badly she let you down, how much distress she added to an already horrific experience and then let her know the friendship is done. It died when she took his side. You deserve so much better.

That's so awful. I'm so sorry.

Have you had any support with what happened? I believe EMDR can be very effective with ptsd symptoms.

I would stay away from your ex-friend. She's already destabilising you and you don't need someone like that in your life. How could you ever trust her to have your back on anything?

Your life has moved on. I would leave your former friend in the past. Too much water under the bridge.

I couldn’t forgive this. I do hope you have spoken to a sexual assault support line. This will have resurfaced it all.

I would really recommend EMDR for the flashbacks. Also the book, the body keeps the score. Sorry if you know these already.

I wouldn't be letting that woman back into my life, not at all. You obviously can't trust her. Have your dh block her.

Lots of love to you x

Thank you all so much for the kind words and advice. My nephew has recently had EMDR (he was at the Ariana concert) and said it has helped him so much. I just never even thought about it for myself but I will nost definitely look into it.

I lost my identity that night, I changed my car, my job, my clothes, my house, my lifestyle and I no longer feel like the person I was. I am so wary of people. My DH has a great circle of friends who I always classed as my friends too but I don't like them coming round the house anymore. I used to be so sociable enjoying friends company and having BBQ's & game nights etc and now it fills me with dread.

I don't think she has any idea how much that night has impacted my life and I'd love to look her in the face and tell her but I still don't think she'd understand.

I do think it killed any chance of us being friends again which is sad we were friends since we were 9 and knew each other inside out. My DH has said he also couldn't forgive her and after the way he's supported me through everything It wouldn't feel right going against him and talking to her. I don't believe our friendship would ever be the same again anyway.

I am truly sorry to those of you that have also been through similar, my heart breaks thinking of the suffering we've been through because of arseholes!!

I remember you. I really hope you're okay - I could no way forgive her. If you need closure perhaps send her a letter but tell her not to reply? X ❤️

No don’t talk to her, she stayed with him for a year after that, she supported him, she doesn’t deserve you back. Ignore her. I don’t know what else to say, other than that.

I could never forgive her. Her staying with him for a year condoned what he did to you. She's a terrible friend and does not truly have any love for you because if she did, she couldn't stay with someone who did that to you. I'm really sorry that happened to you

You don’t owe her your friendship. If your gut is telling you to not have her in your life anymore, listen to it. That’s not to say I don’t have sympathy for your friend though, I do. My ex was abusive and god only knows how he treated many other people. I lost a lot of friends over the years because of him and also because I stuck by him. It hurt(s) but they had every right and good reason to walk away.

You’ve been through something terrifying and traumatic and you’re coming out the other side. No one is worth jeopardising that for.

Don't contact her.
Even now, it's all about her. The message she sent to your husband is about her emotions, not yours. She didn't send "I understand that she doesn't want to hear from me, I hope she's okay." No, she sent a message hinting that she's feeling needy and misses you. You'd be back in her life because she's a bit lonely now she's single. Or she wants you to say that it's not her fault. Make no mistake she hasn't changed from the person who let you down. Any reasonable person who heard that her boyfriend attacked someone and believed it, saying you should report him, would not have been able to continue any relationship with him.
This has understandably uncovered a lot of unresolved emotion. I hope you find a way forward, but she isn't part of it.

I could never forgive that.

She chose to cut you off when you were vulnerable and she stayed with a man she knew to be a rapist. You really don't need someone like that in your life.

After I was assaulted by a male acquaintance I had trauma therapy including EMDR and that was really helpful. Like you I was having flashbacks and also panic attacks and I was struggling with going out and being at work. The therapy really helped.

Out of interest OP why did they split up? Is she only crawling back now because he's dumped her or cheated on her or something?

Most probably . I would cut out this toxic friend as well. She proved it to you. Why wouldn't you listen to that? She is a toxic POS just as much as her ex. She saw your photos and chose to believe him. She will always be a constant reminder of what happened. She might even try justify him or her behaviour and trigger you. Just why would you invite that back into your life. Steer clear.

You are struggling now because her contact has brought back memories of what happened to you. Do you want to go to the effort of working through very difficult emotions to rekindle this friendship? Do you think you could ever spend time with her and not be reminded of that night? I'd worry she might think you would be a sympathetic ear to listen to how awful twat was to her, how would that feel for you?

You owe her neither friendship or forgiveness but you owe it to yourself to do what's best for you. However challenging her own life has been you do not have to sacrifice your own progress because you feel sorry for her. The choices we make in life all have consequences and when it really mattered she chose a man who had hurt you over your long standing freindship. You have managed without this friendship for three years, you have mourned it's loss, I don't think you need prioritise yourself and not rebuilding a friendship which can never be the same.

If you feel it would help YOU to tell her how that night changed you then I would write to her explaining it all and ask her not to contact you again. She does not deserve a right to reply which may mess with your emotions. Otherwise I would block, ignore and focus on yourself.

Not a hope would I ever look at her again. Tell husband to block her and continue to move on the best you can.

Sorry random don't in second paragraph which shouldn't be there.

I remember reading your original post. I would never trust her again to have my back, she showed you who she is.

Leave her in the past x

She should have contacted the police and got this violent rapist locked up for you but she stayed with him and he continues to be free to attack other women.

As others have said you have done tremendously well to move on from the horrors (I remember your original post so well) and she needs to be firmly in the past now. She forfeited the right to be your friend or 'love you' when she blocked you instead of getting you to the police to make statements.

I also think you were right to hesitate given the cctv evidence of your DH beating him.