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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like DH is being possessive over our baby?

51 replies

Teenytinyfeet · 01/09/2022 17:05

I’m 3 weeks PP and a first time mum so I’m well aware that both these things may be playing a part.

DH has always wanted children, he’s amazing with other people’s children and I knew he’d be an amazing, hands on father and he is.

He was definitely more on board with having a child than I was, it’s been a running joke since I found out that I was pregnant that he’s the maternal one.

I had a very rough labour which ended in surgery and so he was forced to care for our DC for the first 7 hours of their life until I was able to. I had planned to BF but gave up after a few days as it was so painful and stressful.

I’ve noticed more and more that DH seems to monopolise DC a bit, it almost feels like he’s fighting to compete with who gets to feed them more, who gets to cuddle them more, gets jealous if DC settled for me and not him etc.

I feel awkward around my own baby and don’t feel like I’m ‘allowed’ to do what I want with them, I feel like I have to ask his permission to pick them up, I never cuddle them in between feeds as I’m sure DH would ask me why I was doing it. I wanted to do the last feed but he said ‘no I’ll do it‘ so I just left him to it. The baby coughed in their Moses basket just now and he used that as an excuse (I feel) to pick them up and is now sitting with them on his lap. Since 10.30am today I’ve had nothing to do with my baby and it’s now 5pm.

I feel like because I’ve never been overly maternal and it’s always been a running joke that he’s watching me and scrutinising everything I do with the baby in a ‘jokey’ way but it makes me feel awkward.

AIBU? I honestly don’t know. There are SO many threads on here from women whose DH’s are useless and so I kkkw I should be grateful and happy that DH is such a loving, involved dad but I feel like as the baby’s mother, I’m not getting the time to bond with her.

He’s back to work next week and I’m part dreading it and part looking forward to it as I’ll have some uninterrupted alone time with the baby.

Has anyone else felt like this? AIBU?

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 01/09/2022 17:06

I think you're projecting a LOT here. If you want to pick your baby up, pick your baby up.

SunshineClouds1 · 01/09/2022 17:07

Please pick up your baby.

He shouldn't question as to why.

NovaDeltas · 01/09/2022 17:08

You didn't mention anything he's done wrong - is he aggressive? Shouting? Critical? Has he given any indication he will be a bad person to you if you pick the baby up?

Just do it.

Ponoka7 · 01/09/2022 17:09

In what way does he show jealousy?

onedayiwillmissthis · 01/09/2022 17:10

Pick up your baby. You do not need permission.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2022 17:11

I think you need to just get on with it, feed your baby, cuddle your baby when you like. Babies can’t have too many cuddles.

Maybe he knows how short his daytime time with the baby is as he’s back to work next week and is trying to make the most of it. Maybe he’s trying to let you recover and rest and he thinks he’s doing the right thing by taking over.

Talk to him. Play your equal part. Just pitch in.

I had a horrendous delivery and DH did everything for her but BF for about 5 days, I was in no shape for changing nappies and we were still in hospital for nearly a week. We both just did what the baby needed as we were able.

SomePosters · 01/09/2022 17:11

lovingly… post partum we all go a bit nuts. Try not to let it spiral. Keep talking xxxx

Let him enjoy the time he has before he is back at work and you get to be the one who monopolises the baby

Be careful not to start imagining head games, keep talking and cuddle your baby, sounds like that’s exactly what you need to me ❤️

DiscoBadgers · 01/09/2022 17:12

honestly it sounds like you are worrying you aren’t maternal enough and are projecting a bit. It’s your baby too, get stuck in! If you want to pick them up then go for it!!

LemonDrop22 · 01/09/2022 17:12

You didn't mention anything he's done wrong

Really?

In feel like Ive be read a different thread from the other posters so far.

Op, thank fk he's going back to work soon. In an the meantime, don't let him monopolise th your baby and make you feel inadequate (and the same when he's off work in future).

You need to be more assertive on this, and maybe speak to your mid wife or health visitor privately.

By the way, I think at 3 wks you could possibly still have a go at breast feeding of you really wanted to. I used a pump because of injury/pain and then kept trying. I combi fed. It's possible. Only if you want to, obviously.

Hugasauras · 01/09/2022 17:14

Why would your DH ask why you were cuddling your own baby? I agree that his actions sound fine but it feels like you're concerned he's judging you or preventing you from picking up your own baby because of your fear about his reaction

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/09/2022 17:14

I think you should do what PPs are saying and just pick up your baby when you want. I don’t think you should ignore your instincts though - if you feel he’s not letting you get a look in just let him know. Talk to him about it reasonably.

Funnily enough, this is how I imagined my exh would be - taking the lead in the way you’ve described. He was the total opposite- totally leaving me to get on with things. It’s not really such a bad thing that he was as much time with his baby as he can, unless he was actually trying to keep you from the baby on purpose.

LemonDrop22 · 01/09/2022 17:15

These are plausible.

There's also a type of person who dominates, takes over, treats others (esp their partners) as though they're inadequate etc.

It's hard to tell which type he is (or maybe even both).

Porcupineintherough · 01/09/2022 17:15

He's back to work next week and you'll be on maternity leave yes? That will give you plentry of 1:1 time with your baby, you'll soon be the expert on what they want/need/how to sooth them - everything really.

And lots of women don't feel generally very maternal but find it's different with their own baby - if you want a cuddle, to fed them, to pick them up, to have a turn holding them yhen just take them. You are mum, its absolutely your right.

Fallingfeelslikeflying · 01/09/2022 17:15

I felt a bit like this with mine at the beginning. DH was SO obsessed with the baby and I already felt a bit useless after my c section, so I ended up feeling a bit pushed out. It settled down once DH went back to work and I got into my own little routine with LO. I then became grateful for the break once DH got home. So no real words of advice for me OP, just wanted to let you know I know how you're feeling

LemonDrop22 · 01/09/2022 17:20

I also think it's possible to feel a bit possessive of and paranoid around your new baby .... Even with your partner.

I felt that way at times, my partner used to look after baby in the late evening to try to let me get some sleep (woke several times a night for a long time), I'd be going into one room to try to sleep and he'd take her into another room, close the door (probably just for heat/out of habit etc) and I'd feel uncomfortable and on edge. I think there are probably natural instincts in the earliest weeks that make you uncomfortable when you're not holding them/looking after them and someone else is, even the father.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2022 17:20

Do everything you want to with your baby. Do not ask permission.

If you honestly see him hovering, second guessing what you do, or trying to take over in any sense when you have the baby, you need to stand up to him. Tell him the joke about him being the maternal one is not funny any more, that you are both parents, and want him to get on top of whatever anxiety he is feeling about parenthood.

Tell him you are both learning your way into parenting on the job, and neither one of you is an expert yet. Tell him too that it is very distressing and stressful for a new mother who is experiencing all the hormonal adjustment that follows childbirth to be kept physically apart from her baby. The hormones you produce when you hold your baby are essential for your recovery and for your equilibrium.

If your H actually challenges you, ask him to go out for a walk and do some serious thinking about what he is doing, what he thinks his role here is, and what he thinks your role is. Remind him that the baby is not a toy.

You had surgery and need to rest and he needs to be doing a lot for you, not leaving you to prepare meals, tidy, etc. What did you end up doing all day while your H sat with the baby?

2bazookas · 01/09/2022 17:25

YBU.He's just making the most of his brief parental leave before going back to work.
Then you'll have all day with your baby.

Christonabike37 · 01/09/2022 17:29

This would genuinely drive me mad. BUT you've just had surgery, major surgery, so rest. He goes back to work soon so you'll get lots of bonding time. Rest as much as possible.
Not to invalidate you, but my H was the opposite. And I now have nerve damage where my c section hasn't healed, I'll be in pain for the foreseeable, I've been offered opiods to handle the pain and thats all. I think if I'd have been able to rest then I wouldn't be in this pain.

So enjoy it, rest, get looked after and look forward to him giving you space soon.

FlimsySteve · 01/09/2022 17:32

Cuddle your baby, OP. If he asks what you're doing, or why you're doing it, just say you're cuddling your baby because you want to.

Yellowblanketofdoom · 01/09/2022 17:33

Make use of him being at home and get some sleep now. Then when he goes back to work, get yourself into a new routine with DC.

I do get it, I felt the same when my first child was born. I was in the same situation, due to surgery and then DC being in neonatal, DH had to do most of the care in the first few weeks. But then he went back to work and I found my way

Littlemissprosecco · 01/09/2022 17:37

He sounds like a lovely Dad, making the most of his time off and allowing you to recover. He’s going back to work so needs to form that bond now. But you pick baby up too!

Summerfun54321 · 01/09/2022 17:41

Try and restart breastfeeding if you want your baby constantly attached to you. Otherwise it’ll be more shared.

Sunnytwobridges · 01/09/2022 17:48

He sounds horrible and yes over possessive and jealous. He doesn't even like you cuddling your own baby , how ridiculous is that? Like he's afraid the baby will love you more if you did. That's ridiculous. He would definitely get on my nerves and he wouldnt dictate to me when or how I care for my kid.

knittingaddict · 01/09/2022 18:01

For future reference I had my first in the 80's and someone recommended nipple sheilds to me. It got me over the first couple of weeks and I could then stop using them. I didn't need them again for that child or my next. Hopefully they aren't frowned upon now and you can still get them.

knittingaddict · 01/09/2022 18:02

Summerfun54321 · 01/09/2022 17:41

Try and restart breastfeeding if you want your baby constantly attached to you. Otherwise it’ll be more shared.

I breastfed two and neither were constantly attached to me. Not everyone has that experience of breast feeding.

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