To feel like DH is being possessive over our baby?

[Teenytinyfeet]

I’m 3 weeks PP and a first time mum so I’m well aware that both these things may be playing a part.

DH has always wanted children, he’s amazing with other people’s children and I knew he’d be an amazing, hands on father and he is.

He was definitely more on board with having a child than I was, it’s been a running joke since I found out that I was pregnant that he’s the maternal one.

I had a very rough labour which ended in surgery and so he was forced to care for our DC for the first 7 hours of their life until I was able to. I had planned to BF but gave up after a few days as it was so painful and stressful.

I’ve noticed more and more that DH seems to monopolise DC a bit, it almost feels like he’s fighting to compete with who gets to feed them more, who gets to cuddle them more, gets jealous if DC settled for me and not him etc.

I feel awkward around my own baby and don’t feel like I’m ‘allowed’ to do what I want with them, I feel like I have to ask his permission to pick them up, I never cuddle them in between feeds as I’m sure DH would ask me why I was doing it. I wanted to do the last feed but he said ‘no I’ll do it‘ so I just left him to it. The baby coughed in their Moses basket just now and he used that as an excuse (I feel) to pick them up and is now sitting with them on his lap. Since 10.30am today I’ve had nothing to do with my baby and it’s now 5pm.

I feel like because I’ve never been overly maternal and it’s always been a running joke that he’s watching me and scrutinising everything I do with the baby in a ‘jokey’ way but it makes me feel awkward.

AIBU? I honestly don’t know. There are SO many threads on here from women whose DH’s are useless and so I kkkw I should be grateful and happy that DH is such a loving, involved dad but I feel like as the baby’s mother, I’m not getting the time to bond with her.

He’s back to work next week and I’m part dreading it and part looking forward to it as I’ll have some uninterrupted alone time with the baby.

Has anyone else felt like this? AIBU?

Lucky you, OP!
Most dads are hopeless-
Just pick up your baby when you feel like it-
Don’t feel intimidated by your husband.

It sounds like you are projecting, especially as you judged him for picking the baby up randomly (for coughing - why shouldn’t he). Can you try talking to him about how your feeling? He’s possibly sad about having to return to work next week and so being clingy with the baby. Try and communicate about it if you can, it’s so important now you’re parents. And pick up your baby whenever you feel like it, if he asks why say ‘because I want to, is there a problem’ and see what happens.

One of the reasons for paternal leave is to make sure the mother has someone at home who can do the cooking, grocery shopping, hovering, bed changing, laundry, and tidying up so that the mother who has had major abdominal surgery isn't stuck doing work at home that would seriously compromise her recovery.

It's not there so that a man can hog the baby all day, undermine his wife's confidence as she learns to take care of the baby, or cause the stress that comes from not being able to hold the baby. It's not easy to rest and get sleep when your baby is not close by in the early days. Oxytocin is a really important hormone for a reason.

I think many men actually feel
this way, especially when the baby is BF.

I think because there has been a running joke about you not being maternal etc then he’s just trying to help out and he loves his baby so wants to do these things.

But if you want to pick your baby up then pick it up.
If he asks why you are doing that, say because you want to.

It would actually be better if he questioned something you did so you can remind him that it’s your baby too and you can do what you want.

Why are you worrying about him going back to work?
I actually think you are struggling more as a mum than you are letting on.

It’s very common to feel like you don’t have a maternal instinct or find it hard being a mum at first.

The only time either one of us would question why the other would pick up the baby is if the baby was sleeping (neither of us were mad enough to do that).

I mean do you guys just leave the baby lying there till it requires some sort of intervention? I’m struggling to understand why the baby coughing is an “excuse” (?) to pick them up.

Pick your baby up if you want to. DH was glued to DD for the entire 6 weeks of leave he took and they still have a wonderful bond now. She calls for him in the mornings and runs to hug him when he gets home. My own dad was shit so it’s wonderful to me that they are so close.

What is he like when your family or friends come to visit? Does he let them hold the baby?

"I never cuddle them in between feeds as I’m sure DH would ask me why I was doing it."

If you feel this way because he has been asking you why you were cuddling your baby, then this is a problem. You should never have to give a reason why you are cuddling your baby and if the child's other parent is making you provide a reason every time you pick up or cuddle or touch your own newborn baby then that is extremely strange and is a problem.

I could have written your post OP. My OH was exactly the same and I really struggled to bond with out baby in the beginning - it was from a good place and the obvious excitement for him being a dad but it was really fucking tough. I would only ever hold my LO to feed and then she would be taken off me. Once we were on our own it did get much better and I also made a point of putting my foot down and saying I was doing stuff or I would just do it. I also just knew her better after a week or two of being alone - plus the novelty wore off or both of us and now it’s always ‘you do bath time’ 😂 Hope this helps you know that you’re not alone

Oh, I don't like this at all OP. He shouldn't be undermining you like this. Be firm and stand tall - you're going to be a fabulous mum. You just need a little time to find your feet, and in the meantime, he should be trying to boost your confidence.
Not starting out in a maternal way is inconsequential. It's how you are now that matters. My ex husband started out as the maternal one, but it's me who has them 80% of the time now we're split!

If he uses the baby coughing as an excuse to pick it up why do you think he would question you cuddling the baby?
It sounds like you are being a bit hands off if you haven’t had anything to do with the baby between 10:30 and 5pm. If you want to do a bottle or cuddle the baby then do it.
I remember jokingly fighting with DH about who got to bath the baby!
He has one more week with the baby and then he will barely see it in the day whereas you will be off for months and months. Let him make the most of one week.

I'm not sure that's fair, if he's being controlling. Only the OP will know if he has form for this though.

I think you need to try and get the ‘not maternal’ jokes out to bed.
tell him that it is hurting your feelings, that you may not have been maternal before baby but you are after and he is affecting your time bonding with the baby.
cuddle your baby.
i barely put mine down in the first couple of months. Obviously I let my partner hold just as much but the baby other than in the night was always held by one of us.

I think you need to talk to him. The first couple of months are hard and will be so much harder if your not on the same page. Tell him how you feel. It doesn’t need to be an argument. I also think once he goes back to work he’ll be a lot more tired so won’t be as keen to jump into doing everything first.

Has he actually questioned you though- or are you just afraid he will? When he says no I'll do it just tell him it's your turn. Dh and I used to have to take turns at stuff at the start because we both wanted to.

“it sounds like you are worrying you aren’t maternal enough and are projecting a bit. It’s your baby too, get stuck in! If you want to pick them up then go for it!!”

^I completely agree with this.

Sounds like he's trying to make the most of it before he has to go back to work. Wouldn't you do that if it was the other way round and he was going have her all day, 5 days a week for months and months and you were going to be at work?

I reckon he’s worried about you doing too much after surgery. I have no experience of c-sections but they sound pretty brutal. I’d be like a mother hen around someone who just had surgery.

Talk to him about how you feel. Explain you’re not feeling very ‘involved’.

Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy, tell him how you feel.

I mean this so kindly but with the stress of labour and the sheer exhaustion that comes with being a new mum, we can all doubt ourselves. I certainly did. I felt I was going mad for a few weeks at least. I kept asking my husband if I was bonding with our baby because I felt like I didn't know!!
So what would happen if you just picked your baby up cuddled them for as long as you wanted? I think that's key. If your husband would leave you to it then all is fine. If he would argue with you etc then you need to set clearer boundaries and outline what you want to happen. Good luck either way. It's an amazing but tough time!

There’s a primal need to pick up your baby. Your Dh absolutely mustn’t spoil these early days for you. Pick up your child when you feel the need.

If he uses the baby coughing as an excuse to pick it up why do you think he would question you cuddling the baby?
It sounds like you are being a bit hands off if you haven’t had anything to do with the baby between 10:30 and 5pm. If you want to do a bottle or cuddle the baby then do it.

I agree.

I think many women do get stuck in because their DHs let them take the lead.

OP is maybe feeling a bit nervous or unsure and is allowing her DP to do a lot.

The whole joking about not being maternal thing and being concerned for when he goes back to work makes me wonder if she’s worrying about not actually being maternal which is why she’s trying to make a joke out of it.

OP please don’t worry about anything just get stuck in.
The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Thanks for all the replies.

I spoke to DH tonight. He was mortified and apologised if he’s made me feel inadequate or that he’s coming over aspossssive. He said he’s been trying to do more because he wants me to recover from birth and is aware he’s back to work next week.

I think my hormones and insecurities could be playing a part, yes. I’m actually surprised at how much I love my baby so it’s not that I don’t think I’m maternal. I think I feel as though he’s watching me a lot and to be fair he probably is, he’s never seen me be a mum before, I’ve never seen him be a dad before either so I do watch him too.

I told him that he micromanages me with the baby sometimes and is dismissive of things I say, he’s admitted he does do both of these things and has promised to stop.

I am worried about him going back to work but only because he’s been here for the first few weeks of the baby’s life and I’ve never had to cope completely on my own before, my friends have all said they were worried about their husbands returning to work too so don’t think I’m alone in that.

Fingers crossed things will be easier moving forward.

Your DH only has a short time at home with baby before he has to return to work. He is doing everything to store up memories. Also if you had difficult birth he is giving you time to heal. Once he is back at work you will be in charge of baby all day on your own. Let him have his moment.

Absolutely brilliant, well done you. It's great that you were able to have an open and honest chat about it.

I totally get your apprehension about being on your own with the baby. Do you have family and friends who can pop round, just to break the day up a bit (although it will fly in, you'll be fine and baby will sleep loads - fingers crossed anyway!).

I feel like as the baby’s mother, I’m not getting the time to bond with her

Pick her up when you want to! You’re allowed, just like him! It sounds like he is going to be a very hands on dad to your daughter, though!

Is he controlling? Sure sounds like it (and sounds a little like you’re nervous/scared of him) this is your child too!