Elderly Parent & Brother

[GinaG2022]

Hi there

I'm just looking for a few different perspectives here on a family issue.

There's myself and my brother who lives abroad, 1 hour away, we have an elderly mother who was up to recently still fairly self sufficient, she now has mobility issues which hopefully will improve with a procedure. Brother is a lot older than me and has his family reared, he married young, I married later and I now have a very young family.

My brother visits about twice a year for 10 days at a time, other than that he rings our mum very randomly. I visit every weekend, ring twice daily to check on my mum, the person my mum comes to for anything she needs, help with hospital appointments etc. I have in the past asked him to ring her more often, he doesn't. I did the same and more with my dad until he passed away.

Long story short, I feel very alone with the responsibility of my mum as my brother plays little part. When I mention to him that I'd like him to tune in more, he whinges to my mum about how busy he is, she tells him don't worry love, I don't want to be a burden on anyone and off he goes, happy he has her blessing, it really annoys me as he is missing the point. Then my mum whinges that I shouldn't feel she is a burden etc etc.

I could put a lot more in this post about the history within our family, I've had years of therapy dealing with the fall out, part of which is how little they respect me. I don't really want to delve into that as I'm dealing with that and trying to manage it myself, speaking to my family about it will get me absolutely nowhere. So I guess what I am asking is AIBU to message my brother, ask him to ring more and to take a more active responsibility in our mother's life? Everything is put over to me, he is home right now and is passing on hospital appointments to me, using words like, you need to attend this with mum and I am literally bristling every time we speak.

Thank you for reading.

Neither of you need to take responsibility for her if you don't want to. If she needs additional support and you're not in a position to give that you could help her arrange it if it'd ease your conscience.

If she's lonely, Age UK have support lines.

I understand you're frustrated but he lives in another country. There's only so much he can do even if he wants to.

Instead of focusing on your brother maybe take your mum at your word and visit less regularly? Every weekend is a lot.

You don't get to decide

Op, you can only control how involved YOU are.

You can't dictate what your brother does.

If it's too much for you, you need to set your own boundaries. Prioritise the truly important stuff that your mum needs help with.

Not push more onto him.

Many people who work full-time with small children (literally) couldn't do what you seem to be doing.

how he spends his time. He does not get to decide how you spend yours. You have taken on some tasks, he does not want to. Life is like that I'm afraid.

YANBU but I wouldn’t bother as it will just cause you and your mum stress.

You can ask, but it’s not going to result in what you want it to, so what you are actually doing is wasting your own time and stressing yourself worrying about what he’s doing. He’s not worrying about you, clearly.

If he doesn’t want to he doesn’t have to, it’s not a responsibility you have the power to force on him. It’s not even your responsibility. You thinking it’s your duty to take on this level of support role, doesn’t mean it actually is.

Also, if he's pushing you to attend hospital appointments, tell him you cannot if you genuinely cannot.

I have seen a relative all but abandon her children when an elderly relative started upping demands - they have barely any relationship now they're late teens because their mum spent the evening running around doing elderly care work and working full-time, almost running themselves into the ground towards the end when care needs escalated and stuff like medication and cleaning the house and arranging medical appointments got to excessive levels.

Is that you?

Realistically what could he help with if he lives overseas, is there a community service or taxi service that could take mum to appointments. What help does mum need at the moment, does she have online shopping, direct debits, help,at home. You dont need to be doing everything.

Neither of you need to take responsibility for her if you don't want to
My DSis would rightly say she does loads more for my DM than I do. DSis is enabling my DM to live alone whereas I think an assisted living arrangement would be far better for DM.

Don't be resentful of your brother because his life choices lead to different outcomes than yours do for you.
Make sure your anger isn't misplaced here.
We scrimp and save all our lives to buy in care and help as needed when older. Not rely on busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own. I wouldn't want to be my children's 'responsibility'. What were her plans to manage as she aged?
Back off a little and if your mum needs 'help' then maybe outside agencies can be employed. Better get her used to the idea sooner rather than later.

My DB has not helped in any way in respect of our elderly parents’ needs. I always have a hollow laugh when posters on other threads have more than one child as wouldn’t be fair to have that burden on one child.

Do what you can but if he hasn’t bothered before now, even extra phone calls, then he isn’t going to change

It's so annoying OP. But honestly, you can say it all you like and he won't change. Better not to get too stressed about it.

I have a brother just the same, both parents gone now but still winding up the estate and he's no help whatsoever. It still all falls to me. The wingeing when he had to come home to take dad to a crucial CT scan last year because I would be on holiday. Ran away back to the airport 20 minutes after I got back to dads house where I stayed to look after him as necessary until he went into the hospice 10 days later. Bastard.

OP, I mean this kindly, but yabu. Your brother is only obliged to do as much as he wants to do or feels able to do. It's for you to decide how much responsibility to take upon yourself.

I get that it's frustrating. I shoulder most of the responsibility for my elderly parents and another elderly relative who needs a lot of help, while my dsis does very little. It does annoy me sometimes. Ultimately, though, I have to recognise that I am making the choice to do what I do - nobody is forcing me. And I don't have any right to dictate what my dsis chooses to do.

If you're struggling to cope with the amount of support that is needed, then maybe it's time to consider alternative options for care, but you can't just demand that your brother takes on more. It would be nice if he chose to do so, but for whatever reason, he either doesn't want to or just isn't able to. You need to accept that, otherwise the resentment will drive you crazy.

You are only responsible for your own behaviour.
I would strongly urge you to start getting things in place for your mum now, rather than later.

Stop the daily phone calls/every weekend visit.
Get online shopping, cleaner, gardener, meals on wheels, prescription delivered, alternative arrangements for hospital/doctor appointments etc Whatever can be outsourced.

Things will only get worse as she gets older.
Her needs will increase and your frustration will grow.

Look at what resources are available to her locally.

Again without getting too much into it, my father in particular did nothing to secure their retirement, my mum was the one who worked hard. My mum has very little money, I gift my mum quite a bit each week because quite simply if I didn't she would be cold or hungry and I am not being dramatic. I don't make a thing of it to anyone, my brother is aware and has given nothing, I don't care about that aspect as that's up to him, this is my gift to my mum, I am lucky I can afford to do so. All I got told was when he knew about my gift was that mum needs to organise her finances better.

I missed a good part of one of my children's toddler years caring for my dad and to be honest I don't want to do the same again with my current baby. I know I won't as my reasoning for doing so much for my dad was looking for approval from my family, again this is historical stuff and the amount I did was unhealthy. However the fact remains that my mum will need help.

I'm just upset, I've been triggered left, right and centre with my brother being near by. He arranged a viewing for a house that he thought I might like, right near my mum's, he said there's loads of room for a granny flat for mum, I said my husband and I are not moving so no, I am not going to view this f**king house, WTAF.

I'm on my own aren't I. Those poster who said there's no controlling what my brother does are of course right, he can do what he wants, I guess I was just asking him to help.

It's fine to ask him to help, OP, but you need to accept the fact that he is entitled to say no.

I agree with you OP and hear you.

If your DB can't be arsed then that's entirely up to him and that's his choice that you can't change or persuade otherwise but I understand the frustration that this kind of attitude brings to the other siblings.

Perhaps it's time to take a step back and get them to do stuff themselves i.e. arrange hospital transport for appointments.

It’s a shame he isn’t more help but you can’t force him to.

If you feel it’s too much for you or you simply don't want to do so much then your mum needs to start putting some paid support in place eg cleaner, gardener, home deliveries for shopping, carer etc.

He won't say no but nothing will change.

I was heavily pregnant with my last baby and my mum's sisters who live far away were judging how little I did. I can't win and I get annoyed about it, golden boy can do no wrong.

I meant to say in my last post (can't edit for some reason) that I of course cared for my dad because I loved him but there was part of it due to my own unhealthy historical family reasons.

And tell him to fuck right off re; granny annexe. If he feels that's what your DM needs, let him buy the property so he can move in with her...yeah, no didn't think so...

I bet he'll soon be back once your DM has passed and there are assets to split...

Your mother has a ‘right’ to your live and care. But she doesn’t have more rights than your children,,or your spouse or even you yourself.

i think that as women we are still trained to think that everyone else comes before us. Your brother certainly thinks that ( the house is breath taking). Maybe your mother does to. But it is not the case.

When I was experiencing a lot of demands on my time, I sat down and made list ( pen and paper) of what I had to do, and how long it took. So I allocated time to my job, and my share of the housekeeping, and my cats( why not?) and even shock horror, my hobbies. Then I worked out what was fair to offer my relative. She had her share of my time. She had to supply her other needs elsewhere.

sounds like hard bitch of the century, doesn’t it? But compared to the time your brother is allocating, it’s fine. Oh and your aunts.

a friend said to me ‘ if you make yourself into a doormat, don’t complain if people wipe their shoes in you’

Oh for sure some of this is on me with the attitudes that I am allowing into my thinking from having grown up with them, mostly stuff my mum believed, I'm learning to untangle them as they aren't my views as such. The daughter is always the one who shoulders most of it in every house, you know what boys are like is another one, don't bother arguing with your husband best to keep the peace etc. My mum is quite manipulative, she has said if we try and put her in a home that she'll kill herself first. I don't believe she would but it's her way of controlling me/getting what she wants, something she did to me when I was little.

I do need to continue to stand up for myself more, create more boundaries. I will not get into it verbally with my family though, I won't win, it will cause me more pain in the long run.

I guess I was just going to once and for all lay out how I feel to my brother, challenge his assumptions about mum's longer term care and leave it to him then, I know deep down it won't change things but I think it would do me good to do so. My husband would very much like to live abroad, we spent time there a number of years ago, I think I might drop this in as something we might do to my brother, as to be honest it could be on the cards. How things would work with my mum then is a huge concern to me, rightly or wrongly the reality is that she'd be fully alone but I have to listen to my husband's wants also.

I am with you, OP. I am in the same situation. I feel like I don’t have the choice that other posters think we have. It’s really hard to say no when someone needs us and we are the only ones who can help. My brother does FA and doesn’t feel remotely guilty, whereas I cancel trips away etc because I worry that the elderly person I look after will need me and has no one else to call. I don’t have a solution but I totally understand.