Elderly Parent & Brother

[GinaG2022]

Hi there

I'm just looking for a few different perspectives here on a family issue.

There's myself and my brother who lives abroad, 1 hour away, we have an elderly mother who was up to recently still fairly self sufficient, she now has mobility issues which hopefully will improve with a procedure. Brother is a lot older than me and has his family reared, he married young, I married later and I now have a very young family.

My brother visits about twice a year for 10 days at a time, other than that he rings our mum very randomly. I visit every weekend, ring twice daily to check on my mum, the person my mum comes to for anything she needs, help with hospital appointments etc. I have in the past asked him to ring her more often, he doesn't. I did the same and more with my dad until he passed away.

Long story short, I feel very alone with the responsibility of my mum as my brother plays little part. When I mention to him that I'd like him to tune in more, he whinges to my mum about how busy he is, she tells him don't worry love, I don't want to be a burden on anyone and off he goes, happy he has her blessing, it really annoys me as he is missing the point. Then my mum whinges that I shouldn't feel she is a burden etc etc.

I could put a lot more in this post about the history within our family, I've had years of therapy dealing with the fall out, part of which is how little they respect me. I don't really want to delve into that as I'm dealing with that and trying to manage it myself, speaking to my family about it will get me absolutely nowhere. So I guess what I am asking is AIBU to message my brother, ask him to ring more and to take a more active responsibility in our mother's life? Everything is put over to me, he is home right now and is passing on hospital appointments to me, using words like, you need to attend this with mum and I am literally bristling every time we speak.

Thank you for reading.

Yes hollow laugh here too when people say an only child will have all the running to do with aged parents, I’m one of four and it all falls on me the eldest daughter.
Sadly you could ask till blue in the face but they will ONLY do what they want and your mum will allow it and let them “off” as you are picking up all the slack. Remember to try to have time for you it’s something I’m working on but it’s not easy and I feel guilty when I do but you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Does your Mum receive attendance allowance? This could help her pay for a cleaner/ gardener/taxis to hospital etc.

You're wasting your time asking him for more input however depending how you phrase it he might be inclined to throw some money at it. So for example could you suggest that he is responsible for medical appointments but might prefer to pay for taxis and a carer. I'm not suggesting you rip him off but then you could use the money to mums best advantage. Maybe he would pay for a cleaner? If this happens thobdo be prepared for mum reminding everyone how good son is "He pays for a cleaner you know" forgetting who's organised her on line shopping and taken her to the optician's.

Don’t bristle, just tell him - no, you’ll have to take her. I took her x,y and z times but I can’t do this one. And then quickly end the call.

And if I were you I would be telling him that you and your DH are considering moving abroad.