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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend messaging daily

55 replies

purfectpuss · 01/09/2022 09:29

AIBU to not expect to have a daily conversation with friend?

How often do your friends message you on chat apps? I cannot seem to get one friend who considers me to be her BFFHmm to lay off the daily chat. Every morning she kicks it off at breakfast time with asking what I'm doing today? I try to keep it brief, delay answering until later in the day, tell her I'm busy etc. but she keeps replying with long ranting messages about random things, always asking me questions- what am I making for tea? etc.- sending me pictures of things and asking for opinions on boring things like cushions, moaning about things like housework and listing all the jobs she has to do, headaches, her DH, what her dd is doing for homework etc.

It feels rude not to respond, but she doesn't get the message, even when I just give her a big thumb she takes it as positive encouragement- she seems oblivious to the fact she writes whole paragraphs and my responses are one line long!

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWine1 · 01/09/2022 09:32

I had a friend like this, constantly all day every day. In the end it'd go round in circles as she'd be out of things to talk about and ask I'm okay for the 3rd/4th time that day, I had to start ignoring her messages to get her to stop it was doing my head in.
She'll still do it occasionally now send me big long rants even if I've not asked what's the matter.
My advice is to distance yourself. Don't engage maybe engage to one to every 4/5 messages with a really short answer with no questions so she can't carry on the conversation.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/09/2022 09:33

You don't have to reply and when you choose to just apologise for the delay but you're mad busy with work/ family or whatever. You can't police the way she communicates but you can choose how to respond. It's only message, it's not like she's knocking on your front door.

Helpyou · 01/09/2022 09:34

I have friends who I message daily and some who i don't message for weeks. I don't think there's anything wrong with her way of texting and equally there's nothing wrong with you wanting to lessen the messages. You could just say 'work is really full on at the moment so I'm taking a bit of space from my phone for a while, would you like to meet for a coffee on X day, it would be lovely to catch up in person' that way you're not ignoring her and still showing you care.

elenacampana · 01/09/2022 09:34

Ugh, would drive me mad! I struggle to show interest in anything at all like this even every couple of days, I couldn’t deal with it every day!

SlashBeef · 01/09/2022 09:34

Just don't respond until you can/want to!
I chat with my closest friend daily. We just send odd messages or funny things we've seen throughout the day but it's mutual and we reply when we have a moment to do so.
I have other friends I chat to a few times a week and then others I just check in with every so often!

Mrstwiddle · 01/09/2022 09:36

I’d have to cut her out of my friend group, couldn’t cope with someone like that, far too needy and completely lacking in self awareness.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 01/09/2022 09:38

Me and my friends talk like this all day and never get bored.

5zeds · 01/09/2022 09:38

So don’t respond and she’ll find someone who wants a more chatty informal relationship? She sounds nice and I would like that but if you don’t you just don’t do it surely?

PainsandAches · 01/09/2022 09:40

I chat to most friends daily

But this is MN where having as few friends as possible is a badge of honour so you'll find support soon

BeetBeats · 01/09/2022 09:41

Put her on mute and respond when you want to?

I have some friends I share messages with daily and others where we don’t talk for weeks. You don’t have to do anything.

FelicityJean · 01/09/2022 09:46

I have a friend like this (in fact, are you me? Because I could have written this!). It's quite exhausting and draining tbh. It was particularly bad last year and I actually used to dread looking at my phone during the day because I knew I would have 6 or 7 messages from her - some were questions, some seemed to just be her stream of consciousness and she was offloading thoughts on to me like I was a talking notebook but I had to look at each one and decide how to respond which took time and mental energy and then she would repond with another stream of messages. Like you, I didn't want to be rude and not respond but reponses were encouraging her and it became a vicious cycle. It all became too much towards the end of last year (it sounds absurd but it was starting to affect my mental health and my relationships with other friends were suffering) and I had to say something. It was awkward, she was upset, said that her messaging was her way of letting me know she was thinking of me but could appreciate that she was messaging too much. She has really toned it down this year and it's much more manageable, although she is still the person who messages me the most out of all my friends and family.

Would you feel comfortable saying something to her like you're finding it a bit overwhelming and could she wait until you've responded to the first message before she sends any more? If not then perhaps just don't look at her messages until the evening, say sorry you've been really busy all day, respond to any questions and leave it at that and hopefully she'll start to ease up on it.

I do sympathise, it's a very tricky situation to be in!!

SalviaOfficinalis · 01/09/2022 09:53

She’s using you as an outlet for all her boredom/stress/anxiety and doesn’t realise (or doesn’t care) what a draining effect it has.

Does she ever ask things about you (genuine questions, not just as an opening to talk about herself) and seem interested in the responses?

I would stop replying - don’t worry she’ll find someone else to move on to.

loveyours · 01/09/2022 09:54

PainsandAches · 01/09/2022 09:40

I chat to most friends daily

But this is MN where having as few friends as possible is a badge of honour so you'll find support soon

I think it's more likely op has other friends, hence not being worried about dropping this friend

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/09/2022 09:55

elenacampana · 01/09/2022 09:34

Ugh, would drive me mad! I struggle to show interest in anything at all like this even every couple of days, I couldn’t deal with it every day!

That's the beauty of the hide function.

notanothertakeaway · 01/09/2022 09:57

You can't police the way she communicates but you can choose how to respond

Agree with this from @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor You can reply when / as frequently as suits you

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/09/2022 09:57

Windbeneathmybingowings · 01/09/2022 09:38

Me and my friends talk like this all day and never get bored.

I have a group of 3 good friends and we have a group WhatsApp and all natter like this daily too. Others I would find it too much, I suppose it's down to how close a friend they are.

Festoonlights · 01/09/2022 09:58

Why are you replying?

Don't reply at breakfast, leave it a few days and then reply with a short answer. You are enabling this, she probably thinks you enjoy it if you are replying all of the time.

I do not have the time, energy or capacity to deal with this level of demands and intensity. I message my friends around once or twice a week at most, we check in quickly and exchange information. Unless something is wrong/they are ill/marriage and teen issues then I would definitely message or call more often, but otherwise I have a busy life and can't spend all day messaging. I am not 14!

Be gentle though when you pull away, she sounds very lonely to me op.

Choconut · 01/09/2022 09:59

Do you actually like her at all? It's not really clear from your post.

Original poster
purfectpuss · 01/09/2022 10:10

Helpyou · 01/09/2022 09:34

I have friends who I message daily and some who i don't message for weeks. I don't think there's anything wrong with her way of texting and equally there's nothing wrong with you wanting to lessen the messages. You could just say 'work is really full on at the moment so I'm taking a bit of space from my phone for a while, would you like to meet for a coffee on X day, it would be lovely to catch up in person' that way you're not ignoring her and still showing you care.

I meet up with her as little as I can without upsetting her feelings to be honest, as she's just as bad in real life! Conversations are rarely equal with her- she asks you questions, but it's more about listening to her- she literally gives monologues on any given topic as if everyone else is the audience. Last time I saw her she gave me a 15 minute talk on princess Margaret and how she was a party girl, as if I had lived under a rock all my life and never read or seen anything about her in my life! DH virtually refuses to socialise with her which is awkward because she really wants us to meet up often and I have to constantly look for excuses not to.

OP posts:
Starlight86 · 01/09/2022 10:11

Windbeneathmybingowings · 01/09/2022 09:38

Me and my friends talk like this all day and never get bored.

Yup, me to.

Greyarea12 · 01/09/2022 10:13

I had a friend like this. Hated it. She would call over and over and turn up at my house if I didn't respond to messages/calls. It was it was an absolute nightmare.

I was given advice to only call back/reply to messages as and when I had time/wanted to and that's also my advice to you. Dont respond to her everyday if thats not how you want it to be. Also, don't aplogise for not.answering her everyday. By apologising you then imply you were wrong for not responding - that is not the message you want to convey to her..

Kindofcrunchy · 01/09/2022 10:15

I have a friend like this. I like hearing from her every day, even if she does kind of use me like a diary. It's weird when she doesn't text me tbh 😂

LindaEllen · 01/09/2022 10:15

I had a couple of friends like this (I actually introduced them to each other and as far as I'm aware they're happily chatting a lot together now, leaving me with a bit of peace and quiet!) and honestly, the only way to deal with it is to only read and reply when you're genuinely ready to. If you're busy, don't.

mountainsunsets · 01/09/2022 10:17

Stop replying!

She's not doing anything wrong but if you don't like it I don't understand why you keep replying Confused

Original poster
purfectpuss · 01/09/2022 10:20

I don't think I actually like her, and wish I'd never got so involved with her TBH, which is why I find her so annoying. Her messages start off chatty, which would be fine- I have other friends where we chat regularly, but those seem to remain balanced and even from all participants, her's always evolve into her ranting and not always coherently- she's always raging about something really minor.

OP posts: