Friend messaging daily

[purfectpuss]

AIBU to not expect to have a daily conversation with friend?

How often do your friends message you on chat apps? I cannot seem to get one friend who considers me to be her BFF to lay off the daily chat. Every morning she kicks it off at breakfast time with asking what I'm doing today? I try to keep it brief, delay answering until later in the day, tell her I'm busy etc. but she keeps replying with long ranting messages about random things, always asking me questions- what am I making for tea? etc.- sending me pictures of things and asking for opinions on boring things like cushions, moaning about things like housework and listing all the jobs she has to do, headaches, her DH, what her dd is doing for homework etc.

It feels rude not to respond, but she doesn't get the message, even when I just give her a big thumb she takes it as positive encouragement- she seems oblivious to the fact she writes whole paragraphs and my responses are one line long!

Now you just sound unkind op.

If you don't like her, ease her out of your life, don't run her down like you are doing. You sound cowardly to continue with a friendship when you don't want to.

i have a friend I chat to on messenger most days- it’s a habit we’ve got into, but there’s no expectation of response. I wonder what your friend expects.
If she sees you as her best friend presumably you’re close, so could you find a way to tell
her that the constant messaging is a bit much?

Do we have the same friend? 😂

It's quite narc behaviour to always be ranting and expecting the other person to just sit and listen especially if you haven't even asked what's the issue.

@oopsfellover I don't know why she sees me as her best friend though- I rarely initiate contact these days, I just respond briefly and have only seen her about 3 times this year. . I notice that she does the same with other people though. She tells me how people she hardly knows (think shop assistants or hotel staff) love her. She talks about how close her dd and mine are when in fact they don't seem to even like each other and don't socialise together unless our two families meet up, which is rare.

If you do not like her ignore her or block here what is the big drama here

You have no obligation to continue to be friends with her. But my view is thst you (as in everyone) shoudlmtrest wveryibe with a minimum level of decency. But that just means not being nasty. You are perfectly entitled to put down boundaries. I’m not persuaded there’s usually a benefit in making strong I don’t want to be your friend any more statements. I’m more a fan of the gradual ghost - but I’m not sure if that’s me being nicer or just being weak 🤷‍♀️

I know how I would feel if someone just suddenly cut me off so don't feel I can do that- I hate upsetting people. I'd just like to gradually fade her out but she's so persistent. The only times I don't hear from her for a few days are if I say something she takes badly- like asking 'why don't you get a job?"

Gosh. I think you don’t want to be friends with her. I can’t see what you get out of this at all. Surely friendships are meant to be two way.

Id say you’re trying to stop being on your phone all the time and you’ll be in touch to arrange to see her in person. And then not. Or not for ages. Try and phase her out, like everyone else probably has.

I have a couple of friends I chat to most days, but if any of us are busy we just don't reply until we have time and it's no problem, difficult when it's unequal.

Honestly I think you're being rude, and quite cruel.

It's not okay to lie to someone and fool them into believing that you're friends with them and care about them, then badmouth them behind their back.

Messaging multiple times a day is very very normal in a friendship, I message with most of my close friends at least once a day, with some friends it might be 30 messages a day (they're messaging me just as much as I'm messaging them). Messaging is basically a chat function, no different from MN.

Other friends message far less because that's just their messaging style or they are busier, that's fine, everyone is different. Part of a friendship is learning what the other person's communication style is and figuring out how to meet in the middle. That's just basic social skills.

If you want her to stop messaging so much then you need to either tell her, or just don't reply. If you don't want someone messaging you every day either say "this much contact is a bit much for me, can we message less frequently?" or just ignore her messages (you don't HAVE to read them!) and send her a message twice a week.

But I don't think the issue is wanting her to message less, it's that you don't like her but for some reason are choosing to be fake and pretend to encourage a relationship. That's just cruel.

Have you got an annoying friend you could pare her off with?

I hate being rude, but I don't have many friends, and I'm grateful for the ones I have, so never had to intentionally drop anyone.

I did have one friend (from school) who only talked about themselves, but somehow she met someone else, and we went our separate ways. I used to sometimes politely disagree with her point of view (she'd tell me how awful her cousin is, and I'd come to cousin's defence), and I think this put an end to her liking me.

@StolenWillowTree Maybe she could be your friend ?

I have one of these friends!!!! It's awful!!! I work full time and I get texts like "did you see what Boris has just said/what do you think of this dress/what is your opinion on trans gender in sport Twoo?" Some massive topics and some randomly innocuous ones - but I work full time and I don't have time for these long musings - and I hate it over text anyway!

She works part time and I notice when she is working, she would never start chatting. But on her days off it seems it's ok to interrupt me constantly.

I passively aggressively stepped away hoping she would read the signs .. no. It took about a whole year for her to cop on. I do not dislike her but she is absolutely dreadful at reading the cues.

I wouldn't call her out on it, although I'll often reply "can't chat sorry! Working" and then will get a load more nonsense "I'm so sorry. You are so hard working. You are a good mom. I admire you" blah blah blathering. More interruptions!!!!

Like you I'd hate to call her out on it all, in reality it would really hurt her.

It varies.
Qith one friend we exchange voice messages and few text every day. With another we can go 2 weeks with nada.
Everyone is different

This is just her style or keeping in touch with people. You don't have to reply daily. I'm sure you're not the only person she messages. Does she insist you reply to her immediately?

Nah, she definitely has a point. As annoying as your friend is, you don't seem to like her.

She* "considers [you] to be her BFF*". Your daughters "don't even like each other". Don't get why you're even mates in the first place. As annoying as it is, you can't help but feel bad for her, although I understand not wanting to be rude about it

What was the context behind that comment? It doesn't sound particularly kind on it's own.

If you don't like her, why do you reply to all her messages?

Ah threads like this make me sad. She clearly thinks you are her best mate, that your families are close, that you chat all the time. From her side she's probably a bit put out that her best mate doesn't message her back much. And then from your side you feel absolutely suffocated by someone who isn't reading the room and is bombarding you with communications and who it sounds like you don't actually like very much. No-one is necessarily on the right or wrong, it's just a massive mismatch of expectations.
The old adage about how you can't control someone else's behaviour, just how you react to it applies though. You can't make her message less but you could talk to her about how claustrophobic it's making you feel (perhaps in general terms about people who do that, rather than just her), or could mute her and reply less often etc.

Me too!! Just one like this though, I wouldn't have time for any more messaging that often 😉😆

Most of my friends message every now and again to arrange dinner or meet ups / chat about kids / issues at home / to pass on good news etc and that's fine too.

I have friends I message daily and others we can go weeks without messaging. Theres no right or wrong. I text another nurse at work (she does nights) daily, usually a work rant and she does the same. As long as both parties are comfortable with it and no one gets mardy when replies take a while, it doesn't really matter.

I would feel suffocated by someone messaging me constantly. I have friends who message a lot, but not daily, and it's usually a group chat thing where messages are funny/relevant rather than 'What r u up 2?' type messages. Also, none of my friends are people who expect instant replies to anything.

However, looking at your update, the messages are the least of your problems. You do know you don't have to be friends with people you don't like, right?

I had no idea that daily chatting with friends was such a common thing 🤔

My first thought on reading the OP was that no way could I cope with all day conversations with friends, it would drive me bonkers, as much as I love them.

I posted above about a friend who is similarly annoying. But I have another friend who randomly messages me but I welcome it - she is way more on the level, reads the cues of I'm busy (and vice versa) and we have the most random, purile and daft chats at the best of times and I really welcome that. I can't imagine her ever taking offence is I said "child crying gotta run" she would just reply adios! And wave me off

I think that's the difference. Some of these interruptions feel quite formal and also sometimes quite boring!

I have 4 friends I message with daily. They are the best and I love hearing what they are up to. They are like family. I'm really lucky.

You don't like her OP and you should distance yourself. You are being cruel about her.

@StolenWillowTree you have friends you message THIRTY times a day?!