AIBU?
To ask husband to speak with her about coming into the house?
User20188 · 01/09/2022 06:50
I don't know why this is suddenly a thing but my husband's ex keeps just waltzing into our house whenever she drops their children off (they aren't young).
She never used to do this and would either stay in the car or at the door, the most in the hallway if raining and they needed to chat about something.
She's not a nice woman, I won't go into everything on here but she's made our lives very difficult in the past and has been absolutely hideous to my husband on multiple occasions (really, really nasty) and has even gone so far as slating our DC before which I won't ever forget or forgive.
As such, I don't speak to her outside of the odd hi and bye if I ever do come face to face with her. I'm civil when we happen to see each other and have never directly spoken to her about these issues because I don't think that's my place, but I don't seek out friendly chit chat or anything because I do not like her.
Anyway, the past few times she's been she's just strode into our house like she owns the place, through into the living room and even kitchen last week (back of the house) to "bring DSCs stuff in" (it's rucksack that just contains the electronics they bring to and from as they have everything else here), they could quite easily bring it themselves.
I'm not feeling well this week and was lay on the sofa in my PJs last night and in she waltzed. DH had just been about to go to the door as he'd seen them pull up but she got there first and she walked into the living room.
I don't want this woman walking around my house whenever she feels like it and certainly not when I'm unwell and just trying to chill out.
AIBU to tell DH to speak to her and ask her not to do this. If she was a nicer person perhaps we could be friendlier but she's made it clear she's no intention of that over the years so stay out of my home.
I wouldn't even mind the odd time if she thought we hadn't heard them come in and she needed to pop her head round to speak to DH or something but she just strides in like she owns the place.
(No it isn't their previous family home, it's a house me and DH bought together years ago).
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/09/2022 06:54
Can you lock the doors when they are due so dh lets the kids in but she has to stay outside?
carefullycourageous · 01/09/2022 06:56
Lock the door.
You can't just expect a boundary pusher to respect boundaries so take simple steps to enforce them. So yes speak to your husband but also lock your door. This is what I did with a relative who did the same.
User20188 · 01/09/2022 06:56
CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/09/2022 06:54
Can you lock the doors when they are due so dh lets the kids in but she has to stay outside?
That's a good idea. One does have a key so whether they'd knock or just let themselves in though I don't know. We could try it.
I still wouldn't mind DH mentioning it though so she is aware that it's a boundary we have.
FancyThatForABagOfChips · 01/09/2022 06:56
Lock the door, DH answers it and keeps her there. I wouldn’t put up with her walking into my home. YANBU
oobeedoobee · 01/09/2022 06:58
You should always have your doors locked, even when you are at home.
(I've had friends who have had things stolen by thieves who simply open your front door and grab handbags, purses, car keys etc from hall tables, without anyone even knowing they were there !)
Get into the habit of always locking it, then she can't ever just 'stroll in' whenever she feels like it !
Or if you don't fancy doing that, why don't YOU drop the kids at HER house, and just stroll the fuck in.....??
carefullycourageous · 01/09/2022 06:58
User20188 · 01/09/2022 06:56
That's a good idea. One does have a key so whether they'd knock or just let themselves in though I don't know. We could try it.
I still wouldn't mind DH mentioning it though so she is aware that it's a boundary we have.
CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/09/2022 06:54
Can you lock the doors when they are due so dh lets the kids in but she has to stay outside?
Then fit another lock just for this situation. Take the power back. Lock the door.
If she's as unpleasant as you say (I don't know her!) then asking nicely isn't going to work.
User20188 · 01/09/2022 07:02
If she's as unpleasant as you say (I don't know her!) then asking nicely isn't going to work.
Knowing her I actually think it would. It would piss her off but she wouldn't want to seem unreasonable in person so I do think she'd stop after saying how petty and ridiculous we are I'm sure.
She's often very subtle with her nastiness, she doesn't usually do things outright horrible (apart from the time she was arrested for assaulting DH and the time she mentioned our children), it tends to be manipulative, gaslighting, guilt tripping that sort of thing.
User20188 · 01/09/2022 07:03
But you're right that locking the door is probably best all round anyway.
Dotcheck · 01/09/2022 07:04
Yep, lock the door, keep the key in the back of the lock- ‘ thanks for dropping them- I’ll grab their bag, thanks, bye’
buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 07:07
Lock your door! Why isn't it locked?! So any randomer can walk in and nick stuff while you're somewhere else in the house? And yes DH should just say he'll come out to the car to help with bags there's no need for her to set a foot in your house she's snooping and trying to make herself feel better about the split. It's not her house so she should get the fuck out.
tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 07:07
Yes, this would make me feel really uncomfortable and awkward which i dont expect to feel in my own home.
I think getting husband to tell her and if she does it again, lock the doors.
buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 07:07
tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 07:07
Yes, this would make me feel really uncomfortable and awkward which i dont expect to feel in my own home.
I think getting husband to tell her and if she does it again, lock the doors.
Just lock the door anyway! There's no need to leave it unlocked. Who does this?!
ThinkingForEveryone · 01/09/2022 07:31
Lock the door and leave the key in, alternatively fit on of those little chains (forget what they are called)
They are cheap and it means no-one, even with a key is getting in without your say so.
Poppyblush · 01/09/2022 07:43
Why do people keep their front door unlocked, it’s absolutely stupid!
MacaroniBaloney · 01/09/2022 07:45
Regardless of the ex's antics, lock your front door!
Tiani4 · 01/09/2022 07:48
If doesn't sound like OP is necessarily leaving door unlocked? One of her preteen/ teenage DCs has a key
Absolutely ask DH to tell her not to walk in your home, drop their stuff off at the door as DCs or you'll take it in
He can say your DCs don't like having a stranger walk in their home uninvited.
I would keep door locked anyway - we have a key I can leave in the second chub lock when I'm home.
She's using drops offs as a reason to have a nosey and exert some control. No one comes into my house that isn't welcome, especially as you have your own DCs that she hasn't been nice to/ about. You don't need the stress that hee waltzing in your house causes
Sparklybanana · 01/09/2022 07:49
Time a living room shag for her arrival....
🤣
I'm joking obviously.
If keeping you door locked is an issue then you can change the locks (probably) to something easier to keep locked. We just keep a key on a magnet up high so easy for us to get to unlock but impossible for a burglar trying the coathanger postbox trick.
MarinoRoyale · 01/09/2022 07:53
I agree with kicking the door but also with your DH having a word, I’d tell anyone who didn’t live in my house not to just waltz in but most especially an ex partner.
user1471505494 · 01/09/2022 08:03
Poppyblush · 01/09/2022 07:43
Why do people keep their front door unlocked, it’s absolutely stupid!
Wow what a sweeping and rude comment It absolutely depends on where you live. I live in a village and have a long drive there is a path up to the door and a gate with a chain. I have a ring doorbell and a very alert dog. I do not lock my door when I am in the house.
Snugglemonkey · 01/09/2022 08:05
buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 07:07
Just lock the door anyway! There's no need to leave it unlocked. Who does this?!
tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 07:07
Yes, this would make me feel really uncomfortable and awkward which i dont expect to feel in my own home.
I think getting husband to tell her and if she does it again, lock the doors.
Lots of people around here. Our door is unlocked all the time. It makes it easy for children to come and go. It is very safe in lots of places!
Hadjab · 01/09/2022 08:16
Absolutely not the point of the thread, but the leaving doors unlocked thing freaks me out - maybe it’s because I’m a city dweller, but I don’t understand the thinking of it being easier, or safe. A man tried to force his way into my mum’s once, luckily she was able to push the door shut. If it hadn’t have been the type of door that locks as you shut it, God knows what would have happened
SunnyD44 · 01/09/2022 08:18
I voted YABU as I don’t think DH needs to have a word.
It could cause unnecessary tension or if you think she’s doing it to be passive aggressive then she is going to love that it has wound you up so much.
Does she come at random times of the day?
I agree with locking the door but if she comes at a regular time I’d just keep
an eye out and then DH can greet them at the door as they come in and grab their stuff off her.
Mamma80 · 01/09/2022 08:24
100% shes out of order, we often have to bow and scrape for the sake of social etiquette and just to keep the peace but I draw the line at your home, In my opinion your home is your safe ground, doesnt matter whats going on around you, you call the shots in your own home and if anyone doesnt respect they should stay out of your space. Its not okay to be on edge in case someone else takes liberties. Regardless of what their own boundaries are. Shes a CF
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