AIBU to be annoyed at my friend for social bragging?

[Froglet84]

I moved a substantial distance away from my main social circle around 5 years ago and then had my first born and lockdown, so found it difficult to establish a new social circle. I have a small group of friends who mostly have kids over 15 and some friends who I socialise with one on one.

I have had a tricky maternity leave with an initially very challenging time, as my baby had colic and reflux. I also had a prolonged recovery from a very tricky birth. I also have my DS 4, to entertain. I was quite socially isolated for the first 6 months and my usual support system was scattered as they had their own stuff to deal with. That includes family. I’m generally the person that helps other people get their stuff together and not really one that leans on others for support.

A newish friend (2 years) was due around the same time and we shared how excited we were to be on maternity leave together. We were quite close and usually saw each other every two weeks. She is a FTM

When the babies were born, we initially had regular meet ups and lunches, a few were stressful as my newborn was not happy at being out of our snuggly home. I suggested we met at my house and I provided cake and coffee etc, not as exciting as going out but I made or bought awesome cakes to compensate. Really gooey or calorific cakes, you know, the good stuff!

I confided to the friend that I felt really lonely and a bit down, as I was sleep deprived and isolated. She empathised but I noticed that she was always busy when I invited her round.

After a prolonged period of about 3-4 weeks of not really going out, with sick DS4 and newborn colic issues, I contacted her and suggested we set some dates. She basically said she was busy for about a month and suggested a date in month and a half’s time. When we did meet up, she had double booked herself and could only stay an hour. She has suggested flying visits since then (pop over for an hour, coffee at times which mean we get 45 mins till I need to do the preschool run etc.)

Every time we text or talk she talks about her wildly busy social calendar and all these Mum date parties she’s organised and park meet ups etc. I’m never invited but she tells me all about them. Bragging about the details and talking about the other mums like I know them. Today she text me and slipped in info about her next Mum party, which I’m not invited to.

She is otherwise a very gorgeous friend who often checks in or remembers key dates and asks about how important thjng have gone. She’s very caring and kind and usually conscientious.

But AIBU to feel she’s being tactless to rub all these social engagements in my face when she knows how isolated I feel? It’s happening so much I feel it may be intentional, or am I overthinking it?

Op doesnt want to go out, she wants to stay in her snuggly home.

and what part of this says not a nice friend?

She is otherwise a very gorgeous friend who often checks in or remembers key dates and asks about how important thngs have gone. She’s very caring and kind and usually conscientious

Unfortunately, this isn't going to be a popular opinion, but if you go on as much about having a "tricky time"
To her as you do in your post, I'm not sure I'd be desperate to invite you anywhere either.

I had a 2yo and a newborn with horrific reflux. He was hospitalised with it numerous times and had a feeding tube at 6 weeks old. It was a "tricky time" - he was miserable 24/7 - but that wasn't anyone else's problem. I still went out and met my friends, and if I didn't want to go then that was up to me. Lots of people have challenging children, but that doesn't mean they won't go out and see their friends. Maybe she has picked up on the fact that you don't want to leave your home, so has taken the hint and stopped asking you?

I don't think you can place all the blame on her. I think you're sensitive about the fact that you don't have a jam packed social calendar but remember that you get back what you put in....

Have you said something like "that sounds like fun, I'd love to join your next one, would be great to get out and meet new people".

If she shuts you down, I'd ditch her as it would mean she's not a real friend. I do understand that the vibe between let's say, old school friends who go back 20 years together, is going to be intimate and not really conducive to addition of a random person - but what you mention here seems to be random Mum meet ups where extra people showing up is the norm - and she should have the cop on to invite you - but test her by asking.

I've got a friend a bit like this. We used to meet up quite a bit then she got in with a clique of rich mum friends. We keep trying to arrange to meet but she's always 'busy' but will chat on sm or text me occasionally. She's really lovely and a very kind person so I don't want to fall out with her. She didn't come to my wedding as was double booked but gave us a very lavish gift. She is such a nice person though.

Sorry OP, but I identify with your friend more in this scenario.
Some people enjoy staying at home, others enjoy going out. The thought of meeting mums in a coffee shop is more appealing than going to someone's house, in my opinion. I would find going to someone's house repeatedly, quite dull . The time limit also does you no favours.
I think arranging get togethers and getting out and about gives your life structure when you have a baby- and I say that who struggled hugely with post natal MH. Just my opinion.
The mention of snuggly home and the standard of the cakes you make is a bit twee and unnecessary.
If you want to attend the mum get togethers you have nothing to lose by asking your friend directly. At least then you will know where you stand.
Hopefully you'll be able to attend and have a great time!

She is a relatively new friend and you do seem to expect a lot of emotional investment from her. Sounds like she likes you, is happy to have a quick cup of tea at your house as per your preference, and that's as far as it goes for her. That's totally fair enough in my opinion.

I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong. I’m like your friend in that I love to be doing something all the time: especially when DS was a baby. She is making time for you... but you’ve got to put in effort too... some of the reasons you are not going out and about and meeting other friends are not her doing; but your own. I mean this very kindly, but everyone else’s world does not revolve around you

I think it’s how you view the friendship. She is quite a new friend and you have had to stay in. Cake isn’t really as exciting for most people as it is for you. And it seems you always want her to come to you.

She clearly had a wider social life and for me it’s ok she shouldn’t have to hide it and not mention it to you , she won’t know you are jealous, as you are unable to go out she won’t consider inviting you and it’s likely sitting in your house for extended periods eating cake isn’t her thing. She is doing it as she’s your friend.

I don’t think she is doing anything wrong. It’s you want her to be like you.

She’s been a lovely friend, she goes to thr ops house as the op can’t/won’t go out and checks in on her and remembers key dates.

it’s not fun being the one who always has to go to someone’s house.

The friend is doing NOTHING WRONG. You have made it clear that you want to be in your "snuggly home" 🙄and she would rather be out doing things. Going to someone's house for coffee is Ok now and again but every time? However nice the cake, that's dull.

You have given her a clear message that you want to stay at home and not go out, and are getting upset because she is not inviting you to do the very things you've said you don't want to do? Seems fair.

Op, are you a single parent? Is there any way for you to actually go out, even if it’s organising paid child care ie a baby sitter when you do?

I have to be honest the going on about the cake is quite unusual but so is always expecting Someone to come to you. In addition it’s really common for us to have tricky births and recoveries and colic and reflux is also quite common. Do you think you’ve been relying on her to off load to about this and your isolation etc~?

would you be able to find a way to go out again`?

if someone told me they didn't want to do outings and to meet at home going forward.

I would think I'm being tactless inviting said person out as in a way its pushing your boundary that's been set up by you.

on the flip side i would expect my friend to tell me if she's decided she wants to start socialising out so we can plan outings or have enough friendship to ask to invite herself along.

so i don't think she's being mean other than going with what you told her which is you don't want to do outings and her respecting your wishes.

To me she just sounds like an extrovert who likes a busy schedule. 🤷‍♀️ I was like that as a new mum—I really needed outings with other adults every day to avoid going crazy sitting at home! You said yourself that you prefer people coming to you and don’t like going out, so I’d assume she knows that and doesn’t bother inviting because she knows that’s not your thing. I think it’s unfair to expect someone to only come to you and then not talk at all about the rest of their life when they see you.

I agree with others that if you want to be included, you should just casually ask if you can invite yourself to join! I’d bet she just hasn’t invited because she assumes you’ll say no.

Brutally put, but these match my thoughts exactly. You’re obviously very different people that like to do different things. Just because you’re both mums doesn't mean you owe each other friendship. Find some other mums who have like interests.

Am I right op that when you wrote let’s get some dates in the diary it was purely for her to come to your house. You do nothing on her terms, never go out, and never go to her?

OP are you ready to try more adventurous outings? Is that something you'd quite like to be doing?
Or
is it the rubbing things in your face that bothers you more.
If its the first then rather than asking outright, I'd let her know that you feel you are coping a lot better with the tricky issues and now you feel so much more ready to step up the outings. Can you suggest meeting somewhere else next time instead of her house and does she have any good suggestions and take it from there?

Thanks for everyone’s responses, I wasn’t expecting so many.

To clarify, I’m not a stay at home person but found it too hard to go out with a baby with Colic who screamed all the time. That’s over now and has been for a few months (thank gawd!) and so I have been going out far more. Over the holidays we’re out every day.

I’m not a depressed/ draining person. Even when I had a baby with colic, I was pretty upbeat but didn’t go out. I confirmed with her when I was stuck at home that I felt down. To those of you who said I might be too depressing to be with, does one down moment equate to you being a drain?! As I mentioned, I’m not someone to offer support, mostly listen to others. I spend a large amount of my time with her, listening to her worries and not talking about my own.

She knows that I’m back out and about but this is mostly with with my DC and not with social groups (although I’ve made more friends lately- we moved just before lockdown so found new social contacts hard to make). However, the invites aren’t forthcoming even when I’ve said things like “oh I’ve always wanted to do that/try that” etc when she’s telling me what she’s planned. Just find it a bit odd that she’d tell me but not invite me.

I guess I just need to know stop overthinking it and move on!

It must be the way your,op,is written it basically says you got some dates in the diary for her to come round and she doesn’t stay long. So you’re now going out with her again?

No, she’s always busy and tends to “book herself up” months in advance. But she’s having several “mum get togethers”/ parties at her house and has told me what she’s planning (food, games, snacks) but not invited me.

I think people think I’m a recluse from my OP. Far from it. I had a fair few medical issues when youngest was born, which also meant I was home bound. They were resolved then baby got colic and medical issues. Youngest was hospitalised three times, so the colic was only part of it.

I wasn’t expecting her to come around to mine all the time, if again, if it wasn’t her thing. But now I have resolved the issues we were facing That stopped us going out, I didn’t think she’d mention all the parties/ get togethers she was having and would then not invite me.

Some posters have said they went out with far worse scenarios. I’m pleased for them. But I am largely by myself without any support and my child would howl and scream when we were out and about which I felt was unfair on others, as it was distressing for them, and more importantly he was distressed. I don’t have the opportunity to go out by myself.

If you've hinted that you'd like be included and she hasn't picked up on it, I'd venture to outright ask a time or two, just to see what happens. If she hesitates or has what seem to be unreasonable excuses for not inviting you, that would be my cue to stop bothering with her and find some other friends in your new area.

It's a bit awkward to have to ask, but it's the only way you'll ever really know if she's being rude or slow to take a hint. Either way, it will solve the problem.

That's quite different from your op. I think you're going to have to ask and see if you're welcome at any of her events. The mixed messages here are confusing so your friend may also be confused.

Maybe she just wants to keep you separate OP, for one reason or another she just might not want you becoming friends with her group because if she invites you once, it’s just awkward next time she’s meeting up with someone, would you expect an invite? Also if you go, have a lovely time and don’t get invited out again would you feel left out? Sometimes it’s more problematic then it’s worth introducing friends. I get it I have made a very solid group of mum friends and then one singular mum friend. I do feel bad but I’ve never invited her to join anything with the group even though I know she doesn’t have much on and she’s asked me to do something and I’ve been like ‘I’m free this Tuesday in three weeks time’ I haven’t done it because at this point it would feel like hard work - the six of us have a WhatsApp group and talk daily and we became friends quite holistically and go to classes together. I worry inviting my other mum friend to something would just be a bit stressful. What if she likes them but they don’t like her? Im not even sure they would all get on? Would I have to invite her to everything in future? Would she feel uncomfortable as we tend to talk about future plans and have in jokes? Also From a selfish perspective I like having a separate mum friend as we have a diff dynamic to the group. It wouldn’t surprise me if your friend potentially feels the same. The only thing is, I barely talk about group stuff to my singular mum friend. I would potentially say to your friend ‘just wondering, you always seem to mention about you hosting etc and you’ve never invited me, is there a reason?’ But that’s pretty ballsy.

also on the being busy I work about a month in advance - I don’t have a free day in September. I LOVE being at home with my baby but it rarely happens as I have a wide social circle and try to be a good friend so say yes to everything. I basically have to schedule time in with my husband and this has always been the case.

It’s difficult to understand as its now changed from your op totally where you were focused on her coming to you eating cake and staying 45 mins. If you’re now out socialising and meeting her for lunch etc then I’m not sure why she doesn’t invite you, but some folks do keep friends separate.

it’s great your issues are resolved now though and you’re out socialising again so much, focus on that.

I agree. Although it sounds like you feel the need to be at home for your baby, it means that she is making the effort to come to you all the time for her to be in someone else's home.

Meeting somewhere else or taking on turns to go round to other people's houses is still traveling but not just one sided.

Frenemy, I'd distance myself.