AIBU to be annoyed at my friend for social bragging?

[Froglet84]

I moved a substantial distance away from my main social circle around 5 years ago and then had my first born and lockdown, so found it difficult to establish a new social circle. I have a small group of friends who mostly have kids over 15 and some friends who I socialise with one on one.

I have had a tricky maternity leave with an initially very challenging time, as my baby had colic and reflux. I also had a prolonged recovery from a very tricky birth. I also have my DS 4, to entertain. I was quite socially isolated for the first 6 months and my usual support system was scattered as they had their own stuff to deal with. That includes family. I’m generally the person that helps other people get their stuff together and not really one that leans on others for support.

A newish friend (2 years) was due around the same time and we shared how excited we were to be on maternity leave together. We were quite close and usually saw each other every two weeks. She is a FTM

When the babies were born, we initially had regular meet ups and lunches, a few were stressful as my newborn was not happy at being out of our snuggly home. I suggested we met at my house and I provided cake and coffee etc, not as exciting as going out but I made or bought awesome cakes to compensate. Really gooey or calorific cakes, you know, the good stuff!

I confided to the friend that I felt really lonely and a bit down, as I was sleep deprived and isolated. She empathised but I noticed that she was always busy when I invited her round.

After a prolonged period of about 3-4 weeks of not really going out, with sick DS4 and newborn colic issues, I contacted her and suggested we set some dates. She basically said she was busy for about a month and suggested a date in month and a half’s time. When we did meet up, she had double booked herself and could only stay an hour. She has suggested flying visits since then (pop over for an hour, coffee at times which mean we get 45 mins till I need to do the preschool run etc.)

Every time we text or talk she talks about her wildly busy social calendar and all these Mum date parties she’s organised and park meet ups etc. I’m never invited but she tells me all about them. Bragging about the details and talking about the other mums like I know them. Today she text me and slipped in info about her next Mum party, which I’m not invited to.

She is otherwise a very gorgeous friend who often checks in or remembers key dates and asks about how important thjng have gone. She’s very caring and kind and usually conscientious.

But AIBU to feel she’s being tactless to rub all these social engagements in my face when she knows how isolated I feel? It’s happening so much I feel it may be intentional, or am I overthinking it?

I know people like this. One of them I’ve distanced myself from. The other I can’t cos her daughter is friends with my daughter.

im not sure if it’s some power game? I don’t get it.

She’s very caring and kind and usually conscientious.

I disagree. I know how painful it is (I've posted about very similar things before) but this is not a good friend.

Have you asked her if you could come?

As she is otherwise lovely, maybe she thinks you don’t want to go and still prefer the snuggly home?

No. I think it’s mean of her. She sounds more competitor than friend. If it’s not making you feel good, drop it.

I had this once.

I was told she would invite me but I wasn't one of the Grammar School set and would feel left out.

We didn't stay friends long.

She sounds like someone who's terrified of having to spend 5 minutes alone with her baby. I had a friend confide in me, when our babies were a little bit older, that they felt they could only cope if they were out of the house for majority of the day, and if they had other adults around to distract them from the intensity of being a new parent. She was in awe that a could perfectly happily spend a whole day with just me baby, whilst I'd been feeling useless that I couldn't bear to be out and about half as much a she was!

She probably not being deliberately smug, she's probably just surviving as best she can.

Hmmm im going to disagree and say it isn’t her fault she has a larger social circle nor do i think her mentioning it in passing is rubbing it in your face. People struggle in different aspects of their lives. Maybe she has a poor family network and relies on friends? The fact she checks in and remembers important things shows to me that she is a good friend who cares. Maybe talk to her about it, communicating never harms a true friendship.

Totally agree with what @PotatoHammock has said. I also know someone who cannot stand the thought of being at home with her DD. Often, we’ll make plans, which may last 4-5 hours and then DS and I will be heading home for a chill/ snuggle on the sofa/ play etc and she’s off to another activity to avoid being home alone. She is quite open about the fact that she needs to stay busy to enjoy being a mum.

Perhaps she has cottoned on to the fact that you don't like to leave your snuggly home and therefore thinks it's not worth inviting you as you will only say no?

Perhaps she's not getting what she needs out of your relationship? With the best will in the world coffee and cake at someone's house can get boring, especially if she feels she always has to keep your spirits up.

I've been on both sides and I'm sorry for how you are feeling but perhaps she feels like she is your only friend and it's too much pressure for her. What do you bring to the relationship?

I would just say 'oh that's sounds like fun can I invite myself along'? But you have to acknowledge that you have indicated you prefer to stay home, so she may feel that you are not feeling left out at all. Be brave and invite yourself.

“I confided to the friend that I felt really lonely and a bit down, as I was sleep deprived and isolated. She empathised but I noticed that she was always busy when I invited her round.”

Sorry but if she’s as gregarious as she sounds then she probably can’t handle too much of your personal depressing stuff. Especially on your turf with your compensatory cake. I would also have an excuse ready to leave after an hour if I was trapped with that. There is only so much of that some people can stand.

Yes, the "flying visits" sounds eerily like a mum friend of mine as well who desperately needs to be busy every waking hour. She would try to schedule in 30-45mins visits to suit her schedule but often cancel last minute or just not do the final step of confirming if something else came up. She also attends a lot of mum-based social events and talks about stuff that I wasn't invited to. However I hate superficial social stuff so it genuinely doesn't bother me. I'm neurodivergent and much prefer spending time alone with DD doing things to our own schedule or just meeting 1-2 other mums who I know well.

To be honest, "mum friends" is an awkward phase of life where people are only brought together by the collective experience of being in a very very tough situation. Everyone is trying to escape the daily chores, boredom, isolation, possible PND, grief over your old life/body/career or marital problems. It's a great bonding experience and just being able to speak to adults who don't mind the mess and interruptions that come with babies/small kids. But once the small kid/play date phase is over, you might realise you never had much in common with them at all.

Also quite surprised at how many people here mentioned always being out of the house as a coping mechanism. I also know many mums like that and used to be in awe of how they managed everything on the go. However after seeing it closer through my friend, I realised it's almost a phobia of being home alone with just the baby and your own thoughts. Even if she had 30mins to fill, she had to find someone to meet with.

You’ve made it clear to her that you aren’t interesting in meeting outside your home, so I don’t really think it’s unreasonable she’s making plans with other people and not inviting you. Would you actually want to go now your baby is older, or do you just find it annoying she talks about it? If it’s the former maybe just tell her.

I think she sounds like a good friend. She enjoys being out and about and busy but she understands that you only like to be at home with your baby so she visits you and chats about her life when she sees you. She may not realise that chatting about the things she’s been up to makes you feel lonely as she knows it’s your choice to not be out ahd about much.
could you speak to her and say you’d like to get out and do more things outside the house (if you do) and ask if you could meet out somewhere next time as a stepping stone to maybe joining her on some of her days out?

Sadly your house is not a coffee shop and good cake won't make it feel so. It would be nice if your friend liked meeting you at your home but she clearly doesn't. I think it's time to accept you need to go to people and not expect them to come to you.

This. Say you'd like to meet more muns.

I just get the impression she genuinely likes being out and about and probably finds just going to your snuggly home and cakes a bit boring?
But it's a bit tactless to rub her social life in like that. Maybe you could just say something like 'maybe I could join next time? Getting a bit bored of being in all the time now!' and see what happens from there. That would be the decider for me.

I think that it's very much your mindset that's the problem, rather than her actions.

I have a friend like her, and she talks the same way, and I just say "sounds exhausting, you have too many friends", because I don't want extra friends myself.

Friendship doesn't work when you have to actively hide too many parts of your life in order to have a conversation.

How about you try saying, "Your friend X sounds lovely/that sounds like such fun, I'd love to meet her/come sometime"?

Don't invite yourself to something specific, but show that you're open to an invite.

This. I would have hated just repeatedly going over to someone's house time and time again. I loved being busy, visiting different places and meeting different people.

Coffee in a cafe was always more of a treat then one at someone's house, no matter how lovely the friend.

I should imagine she has picked up that you prefer to be at home, and is happy to make the effort to see you there, but won't sacrifice hours at a time to do something she doesn't really enjoy.

Have you asked her explicitly if she can come along to her meet ups? Maybe she thinks you don't want to.

But you have said to her you don’t want to go out and you are only prepared to hang out with her if she comes to you in your house so you can’t really be annoyed she doesn’t invite you to things with her other friends when you’ve made it clear what you want.

Maybe start arranging to meet her out and about and she will know you actually want to do other things.

If I had a friend who told me coffee shop meets ups with the babies were too stressful when I probably wouldn’t be inviting her on a mums night out.

If you want to go to "mum parties" then ask if you can come along, or go out and meet some friends you can do that with. If you're not interested in those sort of events then why do you care if she's bragging about them?

We all have different interests. When my daughter was a tiny baby I would like to go to someone's house for coffee and cake. As a 2 year old I want to take her out fun places. Maybe she doesn't want to just come to your house and that's OK. You don't want to go out and about and that's OK too, but you can't complain if she does.

@BerryTiredMama I'm with you, totally agree.

Nothing wrong with coffee and cake so .uch cheaper than going out too.

A true friend wouldn't mind.

Have you ever suggested activities out or only in your snuggly home? Did she ever invite you to her home and you decline?
As pp have said it would get a bit tiring being the one who always had to do the journey for a catch up.

Think its a bit shitty of posters to assume the OPs friend has trouble being alone with her child just because she has a large, active social circle. Sounds to me shes just an extrovert who loves to be around others and OP is an introvert, who told her she doesn’t like going out much.

You either have to choose not to care about it and carry on or do something about it, like making more friends (easier said than done i know)