MIL annoyance | Mumsnet

nightanddayy · 2022-08-31T21:32:50+00:00

I live with my dd (12) and dh (not her father) He has a ds 15, we have a 3 bed house so they have a room each, ds only stays 2 weekends a month, sometimes less if he doesn't feel like coming over (no reason other than being a teen) We have just had a baby, MIL is upset that we will be using her grandsons room for the baby and he should share with my dd, because her room is bigger. This has really pissed me off. Firstly its none of her business what we do with our family in our house. Secondly the fact that she wants my dd put out even though there will be a room sitting empty 80%of the time! We have even said that when ds stays he can have his privacy and baby will sleep in our room that weekend. Not ideal but we cant afford a 4 bed so needs must. Before anyone starts about not thinking this through, i was told I couldn't have a baby so he was a little miracle baby. I know that i am probably feeling territorial over dd but why the hell should she suffer and ds be happily in his room at his mums and his room here sitting empty! That makes no sense! I want to tell her to back off, dh doesnt want me to as he idolises her! AIBU to say something?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 31/08/2022 22:35

Surely baby will be in with you for a while anyway so it’s a bit irrelevant for now?

if room 3 is considerably smaller would you consider swapping boys in to room 2 so they have more space to share?

none of her business either way though

Freddiefox · 31/08/2022 22:35

She’s just looking out for her grandchildren, won’t the baby be a newborn for a while and in with you for a few months.
it hard in blended families. But no need to have it out with her, just do what you think is right.

BattenburgDonkey · 31/08/2022 22:38

If you’ve just had a baby you don’t need to be having this argument yet anyway as baby will be in with you for a while. If anything needs saying I’m sure your DH is capable of saying it to his own mother, I can’t see why you need to. Guessing your DD doesn’t have a room at her dads?

Original poster

nightanddayy · 31/08/2022 22:47

BattenburgDonkey · 31/08/2022 22:38

If you’ve just had a baby you don’t need to be having this argument yet anyway as baby will be in with you for a while. If anything needs saying I’m sure your DH is capable of saying it to his own mother, I can’t see why you need to. Guessing your DD doesn’t have a room at her dads?

No her dad is not on the scene, where as obviously dss has both his parents and a room in each house plus at his nans so I guess i feel a bit annoyed that her one room she has in the world cant even be hers fully, yet dss has 3!

OP posts:

DingDongDenny · 31/08/2022 22:49

MIL doesn't get to decide, you and your DH do and if he doesn't agree and back you up, then you have a DH problem

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2022 22:52

I want to tell her to back off, dh doesnt want me to as he idolises her!

Is he happy about your plans for how to accommodate your family being picked apart by her?

You don’t need to make a point of confronting her but you can tell her calmly what goes on in your home is your decision as the parents and you’re not interested in her views.

MarianneVos · 31/08/2022 22:53

I would want DS to feel like his dad's house was his home just as much as his mum's house, regardless of the time split.

Are both bedrooms the same size? Can you have a divider in the bigger one if not to split it in two? Or do something permanently to change two rooms into three small rooms? Or any space to do loft conversion/extension?

MarianneVos · 31/08/2022 22:55

I'm sure DS would much rather just have one room that was his permanently rather than 3 he splits his time between so YABU that he's somehow getting a better deal because of this! It's very disruptive to be moving between households so I would have a bit more empathy for him.

Original poster

nightanddayy · 31/08/2022 22:55

MarianneVos · 31/08/2022 22:53

I would want DS to feel like his dad's house was his home just as much as his mum's house, regardless of the time split.

Are both bedrooms the same size? Can you have a divider in the bigger one if not to split it in two? Or do something permanently to change two rooms into three small rooms? Or any space to do loft conversion/extension?

No nothing is changing at all regarding the rooms that's not even up for debate. That is the point i want to tell her. Even if dd's room was 10 times bigger (its obviously not) we have chosen to give her that room and it's not changing!

OP posts:

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 22:58

What happens in your house does not involve your mil. Hopefully both you and your Dh have told her to keep her neb out?

Original poster

nightanddayy · 31/08/2022 22:58

MarianneVos · 31/08/2022 22:55

I'm sure DS would much rather just have one room that was his permanently rather than 3 he splits his time between so YABU that he's somehow getting a better deal because of this! It's very disruptive to be moving between households so I would have a bit more empathy for him.

Well i'm sure given the chance my dd would like to have 2 bedrooms one here and one at her fathers if he was a decent human being but he's not.

So that point is irrelevant.

It's black and white, dss will still have his room to himself when he is over, when he's not it's his brothers room.

OP posts:

NoseyNellie · 01/09/2022 00:10

I don’t think you need to ‘have a word’ with her - just ignore her. She can have all the opinions she wants but who has the time or energy to argue with someone who’s opinion doesn’t count 😀

if it comes up again, change the subject, offer her a cup of tea, start singing “la la la” with your fingers in your ears - she’ll get the message eventually

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2022 00:16

I don't understand why you would even be having a conversation about this with her. It's none of her business. Let your husband deal with her.

BashfulClam · 01/09/2022 00:24

‘This is what we have decided’ repeat like a parrot to every comment from her.

lickenchugget · 01/09/2022 00:25

Freddiefox · 31/08/2022 22:35

She’s just looking out for her grandchildren, won’t the baby be a newborn for a while and in with you for a few months.
it hard in blended families. But no need to have it out with her, just do what you think is right.

She’s only looking out for one of them though? This is the thing with blended families, everyone else feels like they need to stick up for the poor, poor, DSC. While the new DC must be happy with much less as their parents are together so that’s that.

UWhatNow · 01/09/2022 00:28

I don’t agree that it’s ‘none of her business’. She’s their grandmother, not a stranger off the street, of course she’ll have a view on how they’re treated. As she should. So again typical MN MIL hating.

If you’re so resolute about the room arrangement then there isn’t much she can do. You don’t need to fall out with her and get some frothed up. Get your DH to pass on the message.

FWIW I think you are wrong. The decision will displace and upset a 15 year old much more than a baby. But you don’t care about his feelings do you? Only your baby matters.

At least the grandmother cares about the teenager.

perfectstorm · 01/09/2022 01:00

UWhatNow · 01/09/2022 00:28

I don’t agree that it’s ‘none of her business’. She’s their grandmother, not a stranger off the street, of course she’ll have a view on how they’re treated. As she should. So again typical MN MIL hating.

If you’re so resolute about the room arrangement then there isn’t much she can do. You don’t need to fall out with her and get some frothed up. Get your DH to pass on the message.

FWIW I think you are wrong. The decision will displace and upset a 15 year old much more than a baby. But you don’t care about his feelings do you? Only your baby matters.

At least the grandmother cares about the teenager.

They aren't worrying about the baby feeling displaced. They are worrying about the 12 year old, who lives in the house full time, having to share full time with a newborn - when her 15 year old stepbrother has another room all to himself at his mum's house, another at his nan's, and yet another at the OP's house - where he stays for a maximum of 4 nights a month and usually less - and yet said nan feels that he should not have to share there either and that the OP's daughter, who has no other space but that bedroom, must instead.

How is that remotely right or fair? It clearly isn't. You'd need to be so heavily invested in always siding with a MIL that you didn't give a damn about the children to think otherwise, frankly.

OP, I'd have the baby in with you when your stepson visits, so he still has a space he can retreat to, and otherwise I agree: baby in that room, so your daughter has privacy in her one and only dedicated space. It makes no sense at all for a room to sit empty 27 nights out of 31, while your soon-to-be-teenage daughter shares with a baby 365 days a year.

Your DSS is going to be 18 and in all likelihood off to college in a couple of years, so by the time your baby really can't sleep in your room even just two weekends a month or less, your DSS will have left home pretty well, anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2022 01:08

There's a whiff of sexism about it, that a girl is to by put with the baby. I do wonder what you'll do in a few years but that's the future.

Thankgoditsbedtyme · 01/09/2022 01:09

UWhatNow · 01/09/2022 00:28

I don’t agree that it’s ‘none of her business’. She’s their grandmother, not a stranger off the street, of course she’ll have a view on how they’re treated. As she should. So again typical MN MIL hating.

If you’re so resolute about the room arrangement then there isn’t much she can do. You don’t need to fall out with her and get some frothed up. Get your DH to pass on the message.

FWIW I think you are wrong. The decision will displace and upset a 15 year old much more than a baby. But you don’t care about his feelings do you? Only your baby matters.

At least the grandmother cares about the teenager.

What about the daughter who lives there full time, the op hasn’t mentioned being worried about upsetting the babies feelings. She’s said why should her daughter have to share when the room is stood empty most of the time.
Both the newborn and the 15 year old are the same sex so therefore it’s more practical that they would share going forward.

Dibbydoos · 01/09/2022 01:31

Do what you want. She doesn't live with you so her opinion is just that. Ergo it's irrelevant.

I personally think you're making a good shout. Few of us can afford to leave rooms vacant and your DD will def have interrupted sleep if the baby is in with her.

Patchworkpatty · 01/09/2022 07:44

I find the comments on these threads so hypocritical... 'the first wives club' will forever bleat about how terrible it is that the DSC are not treated in the EXACT same way as resident children. (One batshit post even referred to the room size - why is that even a thing when 99% of DSC simply need a space for a screen whilst lounging on their beds ! - but I digress)

It's the determination that 'they must be treated equally' that gets me.. demonstrated in this post by the 'grandmother looking out for her grandson'.. but I note that the same GM doesn't seem to be giving her STEP grand daughter a second thought. Because if she was - she would see that it's barking mad to expect her to share with a baby when there is a room standing empty 80% of the time. It's just not practical when rooms are at a premium.

Holly60 · 01/09/2022 10:16

You are right on a practical level op.

I can see that your MIL is coming at it from an emotional level. It does seem a bit sad that having a new baby brother now means that there is no physical space put aside for your DSS at his dad's house.

I should imagine MIL feels that your DD has an advocate in you, and she is advocating for DSS.

However as I said, practicality dictates that you do what you've outlined but perhaps DH could have a chat with his eldest and explain that he is always welcome and room will always be made for him.

The truth is though, that there won't be room for him really, from now on he will be a guest.

vivainsomnia · 01/09/2022 10:44

Speak with your sds. Would he be upset or not. Discuss decoration. What is important to him? Space for himself when there, places to put his stuff? Walls a particular colour?

Talk it through, agree compromises look at storage, decoration ideas etc...

NewYorkLassie · 01/09/2022 10:56

So you’re just going to stick a cot and all the baby‘a stuff into DSS’s room and leave the rest the same? Must be a pretty big third bedroom for that to work.

I don’t understand why wouldn’t use the bigger room for the shared space (DSS and baby) and move DD to the smaller room. It would still be her own space not to be shared.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/09/2022 10:57

I want to tell her to back off, dh doesnt want me to as he idolises her!

Oh dear.
How long have you been suffering from the delusion that you need your DH's permission to open your mouth?
Does he often police your speech, or is this a one-off?

If you want to speak up, just do it. But calmly (don't let her know she's 'got to you') "MiL, it works for us as a family, so that's what we're going to be doing."
That's such a bland & polite statement it's almost Grey Rock -
www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking
however, she may give you some push back if she's unused to being stood up to - which I imagine she is if her own son's too wet to challenge her.

In which case you'll probably get an Extinction Burst from her - which you can ride out with more Grey Rock & the Broken Record technique.
www.parentingforbrain.com/extinction-burst/
www.revolutionlearning.co.uk/article/the-broken-record-technique/