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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think more MNers are using the pronoun 'they' in threads despite knowing the sex of the person?

60 replies

PieceofKate · 31/08/2022 14:48

It's really starting to wind me up. I keep seeing threads where a PP refers quite clearly to a person as 'he' or 'she', or 'my mother', 'my daughter', 'my son' etc - but then people responding switch to 'they'.

I've just seen one. A poster whose neighbour is moving her post. She refers to him as 'he'. A few replies in and he's suddenly a 'they'.

OP posts:
Carrieonmywaywardsun · 31/08/2022 14:51

I use it when I forget if the OP has said their gender. And on the app you can't see the OP without deleting everything you've written. Plus they works for everyone, even if you know the pronoun. More inclusive speak is a good thing

10HailMarys · 31/08/2022 14:56

'They' has been used in English as a singular pronoun since around the 14th century, regardless of whether the person's gender is known or not. It is not a new development.

You simply notice it now because Mumsnetters are constantly in a tizzy about gender issues and think that any use of the word 'they' is some sort of eraser of biological sex, when in fact it's just a linguistic quirk of informal English that's been around and in daily use for about 700 years.

dmask · 31/08/2022 14:57

Yes, I use it all the time too, no other connotations, it’s just how I speak! Maybe it’s because ‘SHE is the cat’s mother’ was drilled into me as a child!!

motherofcatsandbears · 31/08/2022 14:59

It’s been going on for centuries - it’s not a new thing.

AbsolutelyLoveIy · 31/08/2022 15:00

My son does this and I think it’s rude
I correct him

OneTC · 31/08/2022 15:00

I called an OP they earlier because although I've always thought they were a bloke others were calling them she/her.

I've always used they to mean either sex though, and I'm pretty sure that's a normal part of English and always has been

Goldshelfie · 31/08/2022 15:02

The attempt to be more inclusive has the effect of reducing clarity of communication.

It sometimes matters if a person is male or female. Not always, but when it does matter then we must be able to make the distinction. The fashion for obscuring the facts will not age well.

Sparklybanana · 31/08/2022 15:05

Think you're being a bit sensitive here. They has always been an ambiguous pronoun which was half the reason it was chosen as the gender ambiguous pronoun.
Most English speakers will flip from she/he to they without flinching as the context has already been set with previous pronouns or descriptions. The context expected by most people, is not provided when talking about non binary people so that's why it's use then feels strange. Despite trying, it's use has not altered most people's usage of they in the language but its perhaps more noticeable now.

Changechangychange · 31/08/2022 15:07

Totally normal construction in various English dialects.

My grandmother was born in 1913 and always used “they” for people whose gender wasn’t important to the conversation. “I went to the bank with a cheque and the woman behind the counter said they couldn’t cash it”, “I spoke to the teacher and they didn’t know either”.

Just because you haven’t heard of something before doesn’t mean it is part of a vast trans conspiracy.

chipsandpeas · 31/08/2022 15:08

im scottish and used they for years when describing people

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/08/2022 15:09

I agree that it has always been this way but people are more aware because of the current issues around chosen pronouns. I can't get worked up about this.

amyneedssleep · 31/08/2022 15:10

10HailMarys · 31/08/2022 14:56

'They' has been used in English as a singular pronoun since around the 14th century, regardless of whether the person's gender is known or not. It is not a new development.

You simply notice it now because Mumsnetters are constantly in a tizzy about gender issues and think that any use of the word 'they' is some sort of eraser of biological sex, when in fact it's just a linguistic quirk of informal English that's been around and in daily use for about 700 years.

A perfect response!

ThisisCollie2022 · 31/08/2022 15:13

I use it when I forget who OP is talking about and I don't want to lose what I've already typed up by going back to the OP.

I'll happily continue to use "they" :)

Changechangychange · 31/08/2022 15:13

Goldshelfie · 31/08/2022 15:02

The attempt to be more inclusive has the effect of reducing clarity of communication.

It sometimes matters if a person is male or female. Not always, but when it does matter then we must be able to make the distinction. The fashion for obscuring the facts will not age well.

If it matters, the speaker can use he or she. If it doesn’t matter, they can use he, she or they, as they see fit. We aren’t speaking German, it doesn’t matter.

Do you get equally exercised about singular “you” and plural “you”, and formal/informal pronouns? I hope you are using thou and you to differentiate between speakers older and younger than yourself, imagine if you had to work it out from the context!

BeanieTeen · 31/08/2022 15:14

Not really. It’s just regular English so why would it be noticeable or something to wind you up? It’s generally used in the context that you don’t know someone or the person you’re talking to doesn’t know the person you’re talking about I think. Is English your second language? I guess the way I explained it makes it sound more confusing than it is, but the start of a sentence should give you the context of whether someone is referring to ‘he’ or ‘she’.

toastofthetown · 31/08/2022 15:14

The singular they has been around for longer than any of us.

I assume in a lot of those threads the OP is trying to obscure the gender either to be more anonymous or stop people forming assumptions and they slip up after a while. And for me, sometimes I respond with a ‘they’ because I can’t remember if it was a he/she and MN glitches when I try to scroll up and I don’t want to lose the response I’ve typed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2022 15:18

I hate it when it's a vague attempt to anonimise. I mean really?

Thatswhyimacat · 31/08/2022 15:21

I think it's a strange thing to get wound up about.

chillipenguin · 31/08/2022 15:25

ThisisCollie2022 · 31/08/2022 15:13

I use it when I forget who OP is talking about and I don't want to lose what I've already typed up by going back to the OP.

I'll happily continue to use "they" :)

Same

xogossipgirlxo · 31/08/2022 15:26

OMG, how come I didn't know it. There was a thread that mother can't sleep due to newborn making noises and she said "DC is 10 days old. They..." and I thought she had twins and was wondering why people in replies refer to twins as it's one child. Kill me 😂

Sparklingbrook · 31/08/2022 15:26

ThisisCollie2022 · 31/08/2022 15:13

I use it when I forget who OP is talking about and I don't want to lose what I've already typed up by going back to the OP.

I'll happily continue to use "they" :)

Another vote for this.

Original poster
PieceofKate · 31/08/2022 15:27

Thanks for all the responses. It sounds like I am being rather over-sensitive. I know the singular 'they' is as old as the hills but I've never known it to be used to refer to a specific person who has already been referred to as him or her. So I'd say 'If someone feels ill, find them a chair' but I wouldn't reply to 'I'm taking my daughter shopping' with 'what are you going to buy for them?'.

OP posts:
Original poster
PieceofKate · 31/08/2022 15:28

This makes perfect sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
PieceofKate · 31/08/2022 15:29

Sparklingbrook · 31/08/2022 15:26

Another vote for this.

Show quote history

Sorry - meant to quote this message. Makes sense to me.

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 31/08/2022 15:31

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 31/08/2022 14:51

I use it when I forget if the OP has said their gender. And on the app you can't see the OP without deleting everything you've written. Plus they works for everyone, even if you know the pronoun. More inclusive speak is a good thing

'More inclusive' is not necessarily good when it is less precise and loses and obfuscates meaning.

Though I agree 'they' is useful when you can't be bothered to go back and check the OP.