Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘You have to go to YOUR room!’

40 replies

Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:25

Dd, 4, shouted this at me today after I told her she’d go to her room.
She wasn’t allowed an ice lolly from the fridge after having had one already, having a second one (I let her as small, milk lolly ones) but I hid it for a joke under the blanket for 5 seconds-(she often does this and finds it funny if I do it) so she hit me. She’s been hitting, kicking and shouting a lot lately and Dh and I are at our wits end. She doesn’t take no for an answer, she cried and screamed for ages for her ice lolly back after I took it away. Dh is losing his temper at her now.
Where did my lovely girl go?
Where am I going wrong and what can I do discipline wise that will work?
We love her so much, but she’s just so horrible at the moment, which is awful to say, but it’s true!

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:33

Anyone have similar or just me

OP posts:
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 30/08/2022 21:34

Oh my god yes. My almost 4 year old has turned into an utter horror these last couple of weeks. Hitting me and his dad. Biting his sister. Feels completely out of the blue and I've no idea what to do.

AnHonestAnswer · 30/08/2022 21:36

Oh my. Just imagine what she’s going to be like in her teens! 😲 Thoughts and prayers are with you 🤭

BigFatLiar · 30/08/2022 21:38

No advice really, just try not to get too upset with them. It'll pass in time. Ours went through this, I suspect they all do. Didn't last long.

Verbena87 · 30/08/2022 21:39

Our 4yo has phases like this. Clear boundaries, ridiculous amounts of reassurance/affection, and (most effective) wait for time to pass and their brain to do whatever tricky bit of development it’s doing.

Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:40

@BigFatLiar It’s so hard, she speaks so horribly and won’t take no for an answer, big meltdowns, no idea what’s going on

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:41

@EscapeRoomToTheSun Do you think it’s an age thing? When did he turn 4? Mine only recently turned 4

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:41

@AnHonestAnswer Thanks, helpful!

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:42

@Verbena87 She just argues against everything, gets so upset and we’re so upset with the hitting & kicking, what’s causing it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Floomobal · 30/08/2022 21:45

Maybe she doesn’t find you hiding her things funny? Maybe you’re contributing to her upset?

If she was hiding the things that you wanted, you might want her to go to her room. She probably feels the same.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/08/2022 21:47

Yeah I don’t think teasing a child by hiding something they want is a good idea. Either a clear yes or no is the way to go.

But obviously it’s not acceptable to hit you, so you had to be firm about that.

VestaTilley · 30/08/2022 21:49

My DS is going through similar, he’s 3.5. You’re not alone- it is so tough!

It can be hard, but I try and avoid anything that might wind him up, even inadvertently. The hiding the ice lolly thing might work if she’s in a good mood, but will just upset her if she’s tired etc.

Maybe try and cut out teasing behaviours, however light heartedly meant. Children don’t usually see or understand anything like that, and if they’re in a bad mood it’s just dynamite waiting to go off.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 30/08/2022 21:50

Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:41

@EscapeRoomToTheSun Do you think it’s an age thing? When did he turn 4? Mine only recently turned 4

He'll be four in november. Hopefully that means it is age and will pass soon. I hope so anyway, at the moment I feel like I've messed it up a bit.

lilyfire · 30/08/2022 21:50

I found four a super difficult age. How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk is really helpful.
I think they get overwhelmed with the strength of their feelings at this age and asking them to go to their room and deal with them alone may just still be too much for them. I wouldn’t get too hung up on discipline - more about keeping boundaries and helping her deal with her feelings about being cross about the boundaries.

Cupofteaonesugar · 30/08/2022 21:51

Your lovely girl is still there, and you will see all her loveliness again!
She's just growing up and pushing boundaries and learning. She can't express herself like an older child, a teen or an adult so don't take it to heart. Just keep reminding yourself of the above.
Keeping showing her good morals, setting boundaries and communicating.
It will get better I promise.

mattressspring · 30/08/2022 21:53

So you teased your child, she got upset, you took her lolly away and your DH is losing his temper with her?

Sounds a bit shit for her tbh.

Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 21:59

I wasn’t teasing her, it’s something she always asks me to do, fair enough, I didn’t judge that moment well I’ll be honest about that, but she does this regularly at the moment over anything, just being told no when she wants something.
Dh lost his temper as she was screaming and shouting in such an awful way.
She’s very loved by us and given so much love and affection. She has great days and then days like this, it feels out of the blue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 22:00

@Cupofteaonesugar Thank you 🙏she really is a lovely girl, but when she’s like this, it’s awful…like another child, it’s so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Itrainedtoday · 30/08/2022 22:02

@lilyfire I know, I’ve never said that before. it just came out, we’ve never done time out or anything like that. She was just so out of control, I didn’t know what to do. I always used to be so sure of things and I feel like I’m questioning what I’m doing wrong

OP posts:
Cupofteaonesugar · 30/08/2022 22:03

@Itrainedtoday my son was exceptionally difficult when he started reception. It was such a difficult stage. He wouldn't get dressed without a meltdown, refused to wear/eat certain thjngs.. everything was a tantrum.
He's come on so much in this past year and I am absolutely loving the little boy he is now!
I think what's helped is that I've really learnt how he needs me to deal with his behaviour when he struggles. He needs some space and time and a chat when everything is calm.
You will figure it all out, but just remember she is only 4 and 4 year olds have soem big emotions!♥️

rita12345 · 30/08/2022 22:04

Is she starting school soon?

Isaidnoalready · 30/08/2022 22:05

Have you tried removing her when she starts kicking and hitting? Not time out just removing her to a quiet space? Ironically my daughter used to face the wall shout at the wall kick it occasionally and come back fine she just needed to limit her input

Kite22 · 30/08/2022 22:08

I too was going to ask if she might be a bit anxious about starting school / he life changing so much ?

mswales · 30/08/2022 22:09

Please please have a look at Dr Laura Markham (her website is AHA parenting) and Janet Lansbury. Yelling at her will not help, it will actually result in her acting up even more as she grows older. We need to set firm boundaries but calmly and respectfully - so hard!
Here's a few articles to start with:
www.ahaparenting.com/read/5-things-you-can-do-when-your-child-is-belligerent
www.ahaparenting.com/read/How-To--stop-yelling-at-kids
And here's one I return to time and again:
www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

I've been looking at these this evening as my nearly five year old and I keep having horrendous confrontations recently and I feel awful about thinking he's horrible, so you have my total empathy. We owe it to our kids to remember they are just children and physically do not have the capacity to control their impulses or regulate their emotions. It's the hardest thing in the world to remain calm and patient and be their emotions coach when we are raging inside, but we have to be the bigger person. I've been failing at this a lot recently and yelling at my son and feeling super depressed about it, and I always go to Laura Markham or Janet Lansbury for a reset when I feel like this. They are so helpful. Good luck.

TheNefariousOrange · 30/08/2022 22:12

When dd went through this stage, I read a really good article on teaching them skills to deal with that temper, rather than punishing that temper and that had a much bigger impact than the naughty step.
We sat down together, did deep breathing and I acknowledged her feelings "now baby orange, I can see that you are feeling cross. What made you cross?" Then lots of cuddles, telling her it's ok to feel cross but not ok to hurt other people and that when she feels like that, she needs to do her deep breathing and use her big girl words to explain what is wrong, then we can fix it together.

But this is a normal stage of development, just keep telling yourself it's not personal.