‘You have to go to YOUR room!’

[Itrainedtoday]

Dd, 4, shouted this at me today after I told her she’d go to her room.
She wasn’t allowed an ice lolly from the fridge after having had one already, having a second one (I let her as small, milk lolly ones) but I hid it for a joke under the blanket for 5 seconds-(she often does this and finds it funny if I do it) so she hit me. She’s been hitting, kicking and shouting a lot lately and Dh and I are at our wits end. She doesn’t take no for an answer, she cried and screamed for ages for her ice lolly back after I took it away. Dh is losing his temper at her now.
Where did my lovely girl go?
Where am I going wrong and what can I do discipline wise that will work?
We love her so much, but she’s just so horrible at the moment, which is awful to say, but it’s true!

I think it’s developmental, unless she’s seeing aggressive communication at home. We had some success with using ‘time in’ (so holding him tight on my lap for 4 minutes to calm down) rather than time out for hitting and biting.

I think a lot of it is feeling insecure/overwhelmed (I try and remember how pmt makes me feel every flipping month even though I’m 35 and understand that my brain is wobbly because my hormones are changing and the chemicals in my brain are different - then imagine I’m only 4 with no life experience undergoing those kinds of changes and big feelings). They’re not babies anymore, there’s lots of change in their lives, and they haven’t experienced feeling wobbly and shit and then getting through it lots of times yet. I think that really.

Also they have such limited agency over their lives and strong ideas of their own, and they’re not practised yet in managing their frustration.

My son has started repeating things like that back to me too. I think he's just testing to see if he can get away with it. I promptly remind him he can't. Also I find panic/quick responses to his behaviour doesn't work. I'm honest with him and tell him I need to think I want to respond to this. Its really hard work. I don't think our lovely children have gone. They're just learning so much and we have to guide them through this journey of what is acceptable. I definitely notice if I keep a calm tone then I get through and deesculate rather than reacting with stress and high emotion - he will just laugh and do things more. Parenting is tough and I've realised I'm going to be learning through every stage and any pre-conceived ideas will go out the window!!

Don't tease a little child that's mean.
Help her talk through her feelings after she's calmed down. And at the time be firm that what's happening isn't acceptable.

Is she thirsty? So many children get really upset when actually they are thirsty.

@ColeensBoot I wasn’t, it’s what she asks me to do sometimes and what she does-hiding it. Everything at the moment sets her off, she just wants what she wants and won’t take no for an answer, she used to be accepting before

@ColeensBoot Wasn’t thirsty, was a little tired though, which obviously has an influence, but she can be like this now when not tired

Aw bless. Well I'd say it's a developmental leap then. Reassurance, clear on what's ok and not ok. Talking things through when she's calm.

She's discovering she has an opinion!

Yes, four can be tricky! She'll calm down when she starts school.

I laughed at her threat that you would have to go to your room, bless her. If only she knew what a treat a day in your room alone would be for you! 🤣🤣🤣

@Bumpsadaisie I know 🙈but she really screamed it at me…she’s so strong 😬

Is she going to school this/next week. I found mine were unconsciously worried about starting school. I found with both of mine things calmed down again after a couple of weeks at school. They then realised it was nothing to worry about and fairly similar to preschool. Both of mine are confident, love school, not worried about doing things without me and when asked would say they weren't worried about school. I think they hadn't realised the source of their concern.

@Oaktree1952 She starts next September

Love this!

So the adults are shouting/yelling to get what they want when she’s been yelling and shouting to get what she wants?

4yrs can be horrendous and if you engage with their dictatorial behaviour then it will escalate until you are both screaming at each other, she will lose control more than you so will be unable to do what you want her to which will result in you having to carry out whatever sanction you threatened. You’ll probably both be so upset she’ll not actually learn how to regulate her emotions so it won’t get better.

Yelling “You have to go to YOUR room” at you is a completely natural response to what you told her. They have to learn how to deal with these big feelings and shutting them down and not allowing them a voice just escalates things. As the adult it’s your job to de-escalate and bring the emotional temperature down.

What happens when she pushes back? Do you and DH engage? If you give her something to react against then she will.

Aha Parenting is a great site and there’s plenty of other resources that give good practical advice on how to handle megalomaniacs. It’s hellishly frustrating but it is possible to change the dynamic and help her navigate her feelings.

Yup then again at 7/8 where they become proper bitches at school, then again the first year of their periods.... Enjoy 😂

My son (8) the other day told me I should go to my room because I swore when I was stressed putting the food shopping away.

So I did go to my room for 5 minutes. It was nice. Very chilled and calm….came down and my son had put the rest of the fridge shopping away (very badly but still). 100% recommend following your children's orders to go to your room.

on a serious note. I think 4 is just a hard age where they are transitioning from being littlies who are easy to lead and distract into bigger kids who start to “back chat”. Staying calm is key. If you manage to find a way to stay calm though make sure you report back and tell me how. 😂

Mine has gone through phases. Some bad, most good.

we actually do have the parents give ourselves time-outs, though they aren’t punishments. We declare that we are getting upset or frustrated and need to go calm down. Then we go to the bedroom and take 5 or 10 minutes to do just that. I know lots of parents will sneak that time, but I think this is a good age to model it explicitly. Show the kids that everyone gets overwhelmed and needs to recenter. Taking a few minutes of quiet can be a good thing.