To be confused that my abuser didn't fit the brief?

[confusedmum13]

So I was in a relationship of nearly 3 years with a man who was initially loving, kind and supportive to me as a single mother. We had many good times and enjoyed shared friendships, group events and lovely family holidays together.

However, I left earlier this year. He was physically abusive and looking back I believe emotionally abusive too. But there are certain factors that seem to set him apart from other abusers I have seen portrayed or heard about. It leaves me questioning myself. I have photos and text evidence but some of the worst memories I've dissociated from.

He would repeat that he 'never intended to hurt me' and 'just lost control'. He has strangled, bitten me, thrown water in my face, cut and bruised me with his hands in attempts to hold me down or throw me across rooms. He also used to go from telling me how much he loved me and supported me, to telling me I made his life miserable and under-appreciated him, and back again... He would tell me I was damaged/difficult and made him do this. Then he would say he took full responsibility. He forced himself on me sexually.

However, he only hit me once (and it was almost a playful slap). He never fatally injured me or caused damage enough for me to seek medical attention. He never abused me in front of other people. He left marks but they were easy to cover up. He wasn't capable of full-sex so when he forced himself on me, it was through (apologies for TMI) a toy or hands. He was never jealous, if anything he wanted me to seduce other men/or dress provocatively (which I found very uncomfortable). He never checked my location or told me I couldn't go anywhere. He was very repentant after every incident of abuse. He would say it was his fault.

I am just so very confused, because I feel in all honesty I wasn't kept with him by fear or isolation. I feel very guilty for my child, that I did not leave earlier. I was very much in love with him and the things he said to me left me believing I was the one making him behave in this way. I never called the police. Has anyone else experienced abuse like this? (Without the controlling or jealous element) I feel like I'm going crazy.

I'm sorry you went through all of this. I'm not sure there is a brief as such when it comes to abusers. Your ex abused you horribly and it sounds like you are still processing it. Maybe counselling would help? You have nothing to feel guilty about and actually I think you should be proud you got out of the abusive relationship. You are a survivor like any other x

I'm not a survivor myself BTW, just couldn't read and run. I hope more experienced people will be along soon

Thank you so much for your responses. I am having counselling at the moment but I've just been feeling like a fraud - it seems like there are so many women who are tormented or scared to leave their abuser, and I stayed willingly x

You are not a fraud. You are not wasting anyone’s time. He had you conditioned, which is what abusers do. You could have had a type of Stockholm syndrome or something.
He was an abuser, they don’t always fall into distinct categories, nobody does completely.

In my experience (unfortunately) the abuser will find (by instinct) the level of abuse that keeps you under their power....they are not all the same and a level of abuse that one will exert on their partner will not be the same as another person.

BUT you are probably "buying into" his narrative...I'm not that bad, I never really hurt you, you drove me to it, I'm not controlling, I'm not the monster....usually follwed by a list of all your faults.

He controlled you....that makes hime abusive in your relationship...that makes him an abuser.Just because he is a "B grade" abuser doesn't mean he isn't one. Just because someone else is worse does not mean that he is not bad!

Thousands of people have experienced this sort of abuse, lots of them won't thisk it is abuse and almost none of them will call the police.

You have doen brilliantly to remove yourself and your child from this relationship and to show them that this is not how loving relationships are.

WELL DONE
Look forwards and build your new life....you are amazing and strong.

But so many do stay willingly - the conditioning is part of the abuse and much of what he did sounds textbook abuse to me.

To me he reads as a text book abuser - so sorry you experienced that, he is vile and disgusting.
sounds like he gas lighted you and that there is some cognitive dissonance regarding the abuse. Glad to hear you’re getting help - it will get better 💐

PS most of us "stayed willingly" until we didn't
most abusers don't lock the doors/chain us up (though some do) we are all kept there by the psychological push and pull...well done for going to counselling and building yourself up

Thank you @everybodystalking I have tried my best and I think after 6+ months I am finally free and I know I would never go back.

The 'I am not a monster' thing resonates - as he went to counselling and this seemed to be the main takeaway he took from it.

I just feel confused as he was not an abusive character 99% of the time. I wasn't scared of him mostly and sometimes he would let me leave.

Probably the counselling was not focussed on domestic abuse perpetrators....it will have been personal counselling focussed on him.....it has nothing to do with or to offer on the reality of the relationship because the counsellor will only have his insights...and even if they suspect that he was abusive they will be interested in trying to help him with the problems he presents. So whatever the counsellor says does not negate your experience ( and in my experience many counsellors do not really "get" domestic abuse anyway.).
His insights are completely irrelevant to your recovery.

Your truth needs to be heard and your experience is important, that is all you need to know. Try really hard not to be drawn into his narrative.

XX good luck

It's called a trauma bond. He's conditioned and bond you to him.
I'm sorry to say but what you've described in your OP can be very typical of abusive men.
You say he only hit you once but also say he strangled and bit you? This is also physical assault. Strangulation of a partner is a huge red flag for them being a massive danger to their partner. I'm glad you're out of the relationship.

He will have distorted your reality but just know he is an abusive man. You have been following the cycle of abuse which happens in every case. The time is takes between stages may be different for relationships but it follows a pattern.

I am a survivor myself. I recommend the freedom programme. It will help you understand it better

What happened to you was without a doubt abuse. Physically and emotionally. However yes some men will have been "worse" but that doesn't diminish or cancel out what he did to you. he may have escalated you were brave so very brave and left. You suffered a trauma. That takes time to process. Give yourself time and be proud of what you ve done.

Wtf am I reading? He STRANGLED and BIT you. That is not a "B-grade abuser". That's top-tier!

I work in domestic abuse services and came on to let you know that abusers aren't all the same in the way they behave. There can be commonalities but there are many differences in the level of control, violence and other forms of abuse they use. It is very common to have good times interspersed with the abuse which can feel very confusing. Often the reason women stay is because they have hope that the abuse will stop and the good times will increase.

I don't think it's necessary helpful to compare to other women who've been abused as there's a risk that you can end up comparing- what matters is finding ways to be able to manage the trauma you have experienced. For what it's worth if I was your support worker I would have been extremely concerned for your safety - strangulation is an extreme form of violence.

I hope you get all the support you need to make sense of things and manage to have a life free of abuse

Thank you for all your messages. I am in no way trying to compare or diminish other women's experiences. It just feels so confusing that popular culture often portrays those who are held there solely by fear or manipulation. It also seems to suggest that men are only violent (and I say only knowing that it is NEVER acceptable) when motivated by jealousy or control. My relationship just didn't have any of those aspects. I guess that my dissociation hasn't helped because I usually have a clear (almost video-like memory of things) and I can describe what happened, but I can't remember my feelings in the moments he hurt me. I know I was in pain and I know I was scared, but I cannot remember feeling that way. I will never go back. However, I feel part of moving on would be understanding that this was abuse, and it just doesn't seem to fit with so much else I've been told.

There is only one thing that makes someone ‘fit the profile of an abuser’ and that is the abuse. Loads of abusive men aren’t jealous or controlling.

Ah, its so easy to read other people's stories and minimise your own because x y or z didn't happen. Please take some time to re-read what you have said he did. It really was that bad. Our self-minimising is part of the reason it takes so long to leave. Have you considered the freedom programme? That helped to open my eyes.

Your story resonates with me.

my abuser was exactly the same, it took me a long time to accept that it was ‘truly’ abuse and not just ‘loosing control’.

there is no set brief for abusers, it’s only that the abuse.

the first thing you need to do is stop telling yourself you are a fraud for feeling the way you do and accept that you are a survivor, it doesn’t matter how bad or good the relationship was, it was abusive and you survived it.

@Flatmountains Thank you - you're right that if I was reading what I wrote about someone else I knew, I'd be horrified and believe it was definitely abuse. I don't know why I feel differently about myself?

@Jollyandbright I really appreciate hearing you've had a similar experience to me. I feel like if I'd ever heard of someone else in a relationship who was abused but without the jealousy/control element, I would've recognised it sooner. I justified it being down to anger because every website/story I read seemed to involve other elements which were missing. It would be so helpful if I had heard/read that abusers can vary in their justification and motivations.

@confusedmum13
I know exactly what you mean.
I remember feeling so twisted up inside about being labelled a DV victim when I didn’t feel like I should be, like the violence and abuse was just something that happened, it wasn’t really an abusive relationship, it was mostly good, so why did I have the right to use the abusive relationship label.

looking back it seems so clear to me that it was all part of the FOG.
but it took me such a long time to stop saying “he’s really a good man, he just has a temper” “it was mostly good, until something upset him”

From the outside it did look like it was perfect,
he wasn’t controlling or jealous, if anything he encouraged me to go out and be social and independent,
he worked away and when he was home he wanted to spend time together and do nice things,
friends use to joke that I had the best of both worlds, a loving commuted man who treated me like a princess but I also got to live like I was single half the week.

When he hurt me it was just because he lost control, he didn’t mean it, he didn’t intend to hurt me, it was often just a single ‘lashing out’ he excused it as taking things too far or loosing control.
he didn’t get angry and beat me like an abusive relationship if often portrayed as, so it took me a long time to understand that it was abuse.

Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing it, that’s what I did for a long time.

My Dad is an abuser. If I were to list the things that he has done to me and other people, you would never doubt that. Unless you met him, and let him explain himself to you, then you would probably start questioning things. Because he's had a hard life, and he's always been the victim (but he won't portray himself as one - he'll deny it, so that you think it). He's just so bloody plausible and convincing. And then he'll reshape and retell each story, making slight changes each time, until you come to realise that actually, it really wasn't that bad after all. In fact, it all makes sense when he puts it that way. And maybe you're not remembering it properly anyway.

People like this are terrifying. They can genuinely make you feel bad for them hurting you. Many people stay with abusers, not through fear, but because they can no longer think straight. Life just becomes one big game of "don't upset them", because if you do, anything that happens is your fault.

@Jollyandbright Wow I can't believe how much this sounds similar. I'm so sorry about what you had to go through.

I also had people telling me how lucky I was to have someone who clearly worshipped me and was so willing to 'make me happy'.

However, I also used to get the constant 'I don't intend to hurt you' and tearful remorse after he was violent towards me. It left me struggling with two conflicting beliefs: He doesn't want to hurt me BUT he does hurt me. I therefore internalised the idea that I must be 'making him hurt me' with my behaviour.

We would argue like normal couples and then it would escalate on his side with verbal/physical abuse but prior to that point, I didn't feel like I was treading on eggshells or afraid of him. Maybe I was just stupid, but I didn't believe that he was controlling/coercing me, so I acted without fear of upsetting him.

I am so grateful that you've taken the time to respond. I just feel stuck at the moment accepting the reality of what happened and there is such a relief in hearing that other people have had similar experiences (not that I would wish it upon anyone).

@RonObvious I'm so sorry that you suffered abuse. I have often found it deeply confusing that my ex would seem to believe his own lies. He would retell or twist events, say he had said or explained something to others, and he would seem to actually be able to fool himself. It's also been difficult as we share a lot of mutual friends and the fact that he has convinced himself he's a 'good person' confuses them over what has really gone on. I would often describe him as a PR genius because he seems to know exactly the right balance of 'pretending to take responsibility/expressing regret' and then denying or lying about almost all of the abuse.

I'll be honest, your description read to me like a text book abuser.

Nobody is abusive 100% of the time. It seems he started out nice and then the abuse came out.

He didn't need to be nasty 100% of the time. Just doing it randomly kept you doing his bidding in an attempt to get the nice times back if only you tried hard enough.

Telling you he didn't mean it and was sorry just made you think it was your fault and he would be his true lovely self if only you didn't spoil it.

Well if he was really sorry he would have stopped so they were just words to keep you in line.

@confusedmum13 Have you read anything on Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I know that it's a condition that gets thrown around here a lot, but I think you might find some of the symptoms and behaviours relevant. My Dad was actually diagnosed with it, although I could never quite understand how it fit, as he always seemed so self-deprecating. But there is also a covert variant which describes him much better.