So I was in a relationship of nearly 3 years with a man who was initially loving, kind and supportive to me as a single mother. We had many good times and enjoyed shared friendships, group events and lovely family holidays together.
However, I left earlier this year. He was physically abusive and looking back I believe emotionally abusive too. But there are certain factors that seem to set him apart from other abusers I have seen portrayed or heard about. It leaves me questioning myself. I have photos and text evidence but some of the worst memories I've dissociated from.
He would repeat that he 'never intended to hurt me' and 'just lost control'. He has strangled, bitten me, thrown water in my face, cut and bruised me with his hands in attempts to hold me down or throw me across rooms. He also used to go from telling me how much he loved me and supported me, to telling me I made his life miserable and under-appreciated him, and back again... He would tell me I was damaged/difficult and made him do this. Then he would say he took full responsibility. He forced himself on me sexually.
However, he only hit me once (and it was almost a playful slap). He never fatally injured me or caused damage enough for me to seek medical attention. He never abused me in front of other people. He left marks but they were easy to cover up. He wasn't capable of full-sex so when he forced himself on me, it was through (apologies for TMI) a toy or hands. He was never jealous, if anything he wanted me to seduce other men/or dress provocatively (which I found very uncomfortable). He never checked my location or told me I couldn't go anywhere. He was very repentant after every incident of abuse. He would say it was his fault.
I am just so very confused, because I feel in all honesty I wasn't kept with him by fear or isolation. I feel very guilty for my child, that I did not leave earlier. I was very much in love with him and the things he said to me left me believing I was the one making him behave in this way. I never called the police. Has anyone else experienced abuse like this? (Without the controlling or jealous element) I feel like I'm going crazy.