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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dc to contribute financially

35 replies

Santasushi · 30/08/2022 15:34

Adult dc and dgc have come to live with us. This is likely to be long term. We are happy to have them.

Apart from their car and phone they currently pay no bills. Child care is paid for by NRP.

Dc works although is on a low wage (approx £1000 a month).

They have not paid for any food etc since returning three weeks ago.

I feel bad asking them to contribute but until recently they were paying to run a house (rent, bills and food).

WWYD?

OP posts:
Valid8me · 30/08/2022 15:36

You are not being unreasonable but I think you should have probably discussed this before they moved in, not 3 weeks down the line!

ZekeZeke · 30/08/2022 15:38

3 weeks back and have paid nothing, not even food?
They are taking the piss but you should have discussed their contribution before they moved back home so that your expectations were very clear.

Sit down and talk to them.

IHearIt · 30/08/2022 15:41

"Guys - we need to sit down and talk about your financial contribution to loving here - how does tomorrow night sound? Anybody want a cuppa?"

And if they look shocked and say "we didn't think you would want to make money out of us staying?" You can reply "I don't - just as I'm sure you don't want to profit at my expense by expecting me to pay for everything. Let's work out a fair solution for all of us."

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/08/2022 15:42

ZekeZeke · 30/08/2022 15:38

3 weeks back and have paid nothing, not even food?
They are taking the piss but you should have discussed their contribution before they moved back home so that your expectations were very clear.

Sit down and talk to them.

Yes agree with this

Original poster
Santasushi · 30/08/2022 15:45

We did discuss that they would make a contribution but not what it would be but yes I agree that we should have discussed it before they came home!

It was a bit hurried due to a relationship breakdown. I guess I just wanted them here so I know that they were okay.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 30/08/2022 15:45

Definitely something that should have been discussed before they moved in. But yes, they certainly should be paying something. Especially to cover their own food, plus a little something to cover bills. How much depends on both their and your situation really.

incognitopurple · 30/08/2022 15:53

I think all of their own food and one bill is fair.

MintJulia · 30/08/2022 15:55

You've given them a month's grace to help with any costs of moving. That is more than generous.

I'd give them a written bill so they can see what you are charging ie if there are three adults in the house, 1/3 of council tax, 1/3 of water, electricity, food.
If you increase your contents insurance to cover their stuff, a third of that too. Plus wear & tear.
Realistically £500 a month is not overcharging.

Original poster
Santasushi · 30/08/2022 15:56

@MintJulia thank you.

OP posts:
PonyTime · 30/08/2022 15:57

As it's now looking like it's a long term situation I don't think it's unreasonable to have this discussion now instead of when they first moved

I'd be looking at them contributing towards their own food, if they eat with you all then a % of the spend

Work out how much bills are per person and a nominal amount for rent is what I'd be doing

ImAvingOops · 30/08/2022 16:07

I wouldn't charge towards bills which are the same whether they live with you or not. My adult dc are still at home and I don't charge towards council tax or mortgage because those are the same regardless of who lives here.
I do think it's fair that they pay their own food costs, since all are working and contribute towards electricity, since costs are rising and they use shitloads of it!

GoneWithTheWine1 · 30/08/2022 16:11

YANBU. I would expect them to pay towards rent and bills, and the rest into savings so they can move out quicker.

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 16:12

ImAvingOops · 30/08/2022 16:07

I wouldn't charge towards bills which are the same whether they live with you or not. My adult dc are still at home and I don't charge towards council tax or mortgage because those are the same regardless of who lives here.
I do think it's fair that they pay their own food costs, since all are working and contribute towards electricity, since costs are rising and they use shitloads of it!

How did you come to that conclusion

With more people in the house bills will rise

Murdoch1949 · 30/08/2022 16:17

They need to pay their way, a share of ALL costs. They also need to share the domestic chores. Sort out your expenses, list them on paper, call a meeting, explain what you need from them.

gogohmm · 30/08/2022 16:24

They need to pay their way so I would first work out the direct additional costs of them being there in particular if you had a single person council tax discount or other benefits now affected. Then consider the extra utilities, then food. Depending on your own situation you may not want them to cover all of these but it's the starting point. I suspect they won't be able to claim benefits apart from child benefit whilst living with you but they should check.

They should be helping you out with chores etc - might be worth working out a rota

shiningstar2 · 30/08/2022 16:26

If DC had their own place the monthly cost of food would be quite steep. However on £1000 they would probably been able to get UC which would have been a help. I would want them to contribute but would want to ensure that they had enough for things like school clothes/shoes/0ther clothes and essentials. Work essentials/ travel costs ext and I would want them to be able to Dave towards getting own place. Although ,£500 is much cheaper than running their own home, I don't think there would be much to save left depending on other necessary outgoings and realistically some spending/hobby money for DC and kids if this is going to be long term. Realistically there would need to be room for things to do ext if it's a long term stay.
I would start by charging ,£300 on the condition you are given a further £200 to save for DC. That way if things need adjusting .. you need more or the family's needs are more expensive some months
, you can negotiate again out of the savings pot. I would do this to help them save if ultimately the aim is for them to move out again. Of course if long term means there is no plan to ever move back out you would have to rethink this.

Oojamaflipp · 30/08/2022 16:27

I think it would depend in what your own situation is (can you easily afford to have them?) and what their long term plans are (eg are they actively saving to move out?).

If you can afford it and they are saving, I would be inclined to ask for a contribution towards food only, but if there's no long term plan, or you are struggling with having them there, then I think a contribution towards other bills too (electricity, gas etc) is fair.

Personally, I probably wouldn't charge them for anything that wouldn't change whether they were here or not (mortgage, council tax) either way.

Meraas · 30/08/2022 16:28

Yes, they absolutely need to contribute and you need to not be out of pocket. Is dc also getting benefits like child benefit, UC etc?

They are reverting to childhood and you need to nip it in the bud asap, or they will never stand up on their two feet again.

Original poster
Santasushi · 30/08/2022 16:32

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to reply.
I think asking them to contribute to expenses that are going to change (food, electric etc) is a good way to do it.
I need to ask if they intend to save (I really hope so).
I definitely don’t want them to revert back to childhood!

OP posts:
Retrievemysanity · 30/08/2022 16:36

Have they been helping out with housework and other chores over the last 3 weeks? If not, that might be something to raise at the same time!

Darkness22 · 30/08/2022 16:43

I think their own cupboard and fridge might be a good idea if there's room.

converseandjeans · 30/08/2022 16:57

I would think £100/week is needed at least. If they earn £1000/month and get child benefit plus some help from NRP then they are left with at least £600/month possibly more.

ChickinMarango · 30/08/2022 17:04

Food, additional electricity/gas and water should all be paid. If they’re earning so little they should be entitled to other benefits/universal credit, especially if they’ve got their own place too.

Springflowersblooming · 30/08/2022 17:25

Might be useful to put a time limit or agree to revisit regularly whatever you agree. Shows that it isn’t intended to be long term. Also maybe worth asking how much they intend to save rather than asking if. It could quite fast become very hard to think about moving out if they would lose all their new disposable income.

Apl · 30/08/2022 18:07

Valid8me · 30/08/2022 15:36

You are not being unreasonable but I think you should have probably discussed this before they moved in, not 3 weeks down the line!

This! How has this not been discussed already?

But yes they should be contributing something.