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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask dc to contribute financially

35 replies

Santasushi · 30/08/2022 15:34

Adult dc and dgc have come to live with us. This is likely to be long term. We are happy to have them.

Apart from their car and phone they currently pay no bills. Child care is paid for by NRP.

Dc works although is on a low wage (approx £1000 a month).

They have not paid for any food etc since returning three weeks ago.

I feel bad asking them to contribute but until recently they were paying to run a house (rent, bills and food).

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

Santasushi · 30/08/2022 18:40

Unfortunately they are not getting any help. Part due to not yet realising that their ex is not the nice person that they thought they were. Unfortunately I can state as many facts/options/opinions as possible regarding their rights but can’t make them act on it. That’s another battle for another day.

@Apl if you see my earlier post I have addressed this.

@Retrievemysanity helping a little bare minimum, this definitely needs discussing to.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 30/08/2022 18:47

I'd ask for £400 a month

shiningstar2 · 30/08/2022 18:51

If you decide to take only a moderate amount so dc can save can I suguest that this is on condition that he/she hands the amount to be saved to you to put away. You could open a saving account with you keeping the book or make it a joint account. I suguest this because if DC is stressed she could end up spending extra always hoping to ',catch up' later. If later never comes it is very upsetting for all concerned if 6 months down the line the £1200 (for example) you think had been saved isn't there especially if you subsidised living costs thinking you are helping. Also if a manipulative ex is on the scene money can go west trying to get them to come back

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 30/08/2022 18:52

Is it one adult and their children?

FarmerRefuted · 30/08/2022 18:57

I would just say that now they've had a few weeks to settle in and reset its probably time to have a chat about some house rules so everyone is on the same page and agree a time to sit down and discuss it.

Discuss board - £400 a month/£100 a week seems fair if its to include food and if she's going to do a share of the housework, shopping, cooking, etc.

I'd also offer to help her make an application for UC, switch Child Benefit over to her name, and apply to the CMS for maintenance to help her start getting her finances in some order.

ZekeZeke · 30/08/2022 19:06

Realistically, if they save rather then contribute will this mean they will be in a position to move out after a certain amount of time?

Have they moved home indefinitely?

Sit down and chat. Let them know you are delighted they are home, safe and well but you need to discuss some housekeeping items.

Financial Contribution & Chores
Short term plan
Long term plan (saving rent by living with you means they will have a good deposit by x date and can move out)

JimJamJollyWolly · 30/08/2022 19:27

You sound lovely OP, but you are getting taken advantage of. I'm struggling to imagine moving home with DP and not even offering to put money towards food.

So right now, at this point in time your DGC have a roof over their head and food in their belly because of you? And only you? This isn't acceptable.

If you are hoping this is temporary and a stepping stone, and are happy with them paying only towards food/electricity - costs that have increased for you, then do that. But I would be clear if they are still there in a certain time (say 3 months or 6 months), all bills will increase - You shouldn't be paying rent/mortgage/council tax/tv licence/internet/insurance and all the other costs of running a home by yourself.

Sorry, is your DC applying for benefits? That income with DC should mean she is eligible for some support.

She has had time to settle, now she has to pay to cover her expenses.

Your DC is lucky to have you.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2022 19:44

In 3 weeks they haven't done a food shop?

Not even for themselves and their children?

That's ridiculous OP.

Original poster

Santasushi · 30/08/2022 20:05

Sorry for slow replies! I’m replying between work.

It’s my daughter and just the one dgc.

OP posts:

LemonBounce · 11/01/2023 08:40

You are doing this in the right order and have your priorities right. Depends if dc needs to save to get their own place or might be in a financially difficult position due to the break up. Also whether you can afford to support them. If you can afford it and it won't have a financial impact on your lifestyle maybe no need to ask. If it will effect you and she can afford it definitely ask. Either way good to have the conversation and be open

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