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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Destination 'Wedding' RSVP

40 replies

Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 13:37

A close friend of mine eloped this summer. I was one of two guests and one of the witnesses. They had to get married urgently for visa reasons and are planning a 'real wedding' celebration next summer in their home country.

Well the invites came out a couple of months ago for this destination wedding and I can't decide what to do. I really need to make a decision soon.

On the one hand, it should be an interesting experience to go to a wedding in a different country. And, I am one of her closest friends so I think she will be really devastated if I don't go.

However, I'd realistically have to go for 1 week (its 10hr flight), I won't know anyone there, and I slightly begrudge going to a destination wedding when they are already married. I plan to start TTC next year so this potentially will be my last child free summer and I would like to prioritise my own travel plans.

Am I being unreasonable?

YABU - suck it up and go! you will have fun!
YANBU - prioritise your own plans, they are already married!

OP posts:
Sunflowergin · 30/08/2022 13:39

Tbh it doesn’t sound like you want to go…. Which is fine so just politely decline

Dinoteeth · 30/08/2022 13:42

I'd only go if it's a country I'd want to visit or somewhere I could make a holiday out of.
Could you do the wedding enroute somewhere ie a few days in wedding location meet her family then on to wherever you want to holiday, flying home from holiday destination?

Trying20 · 30/08/2022 13:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Original poster
Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 13:47

No I won't have role in the main wedding.

I guess the main part I left out is that she's recently beaten cancer. So I feel like I have to be there to show support and to celebrate.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 30/08/2022 13:53

If you don’t want to go then don’t go, but what this thread will turn in to is a load of judgmental nastiness over someone else’s decision to invite people to an invite that they are absolutely welcome to decline

Twizbe · 30/08/2022 13:56

Where is it and could you make more of a holiday out of it.

Tbh some of the best weddings I've been to have been abroad where 1 or both of the couple are from.

We had amazing holidays around these weddings too. A couple of them in places we wouldn't have chosen to go to otherwise.

DrGlenda · 30/08/2022 13:58

I’d decline if it’s not somewhere you’d want to go and it’s going to cost a small fortune and maybe arrange her a ‘hen do’ here to make up for it if you feel bad about it?

Original poster
Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 14:00

Its in South Africa, so I could potentially make it a fun holiday.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 30/08/2022 14:02

It’s the kind of thing you should definitely take the opportunity to do while you can. Not so easy once your own children come along.

Puppyseahorse · 30/08/2022 14:03

If she’s one of your closest friends, and you can afford it, and she’s been through a traumatic life event recently…. then I find it a bit ‘yikes’ that you are considering declining. What reason would you give? For a close friend, you’d have to say ‘I’d really love to come, but…..’

I’m not sure what the elopement has to do with anything, either. Would you begrudge a celebration for a couple who could only marry during Covid with a few people present?

SleeplessInEngland · 30/08/2022 14:05

It's reasonable to turn down an invite that far away. But you're the one who knows her - would she take it badly?

Puppyseahorse · 30/08/2022 14:06

Just saw your update about South Africa. South Africa is amazing! I can’t think of many better destinations for a last child free summer 😂

MarmiteCoriander · 30/08/2022 14:09

Why wouldn't you know anyone? Isn't your partner invited too??? If its not somewhere you'd want to go- then don't. You already attended the real wedding and had a special part in that.

IF you can afford the tickets, and time off work, then I'd go and spent time at Kruger national park and sightseeing. Speak to a travel health clinic beforehand though- esp for malaria prophylaxis and zika risk if TTC.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/08/2022 14:10

It's unclear if you're ttc with a partner or alone?
Only relevant in the are they invited too or just you, could you accidentally end up pregnant for the wedding if you're straight etc.

Tbh if you can afford to go I'd go but for two weeks.
You'll hardly have a boring time holidaying in SA so plan it so the wedding is near the start and then go off touring alone or with partner afterwards.

Rainallnight · 30/08/2022 14:10

She hasn’t ‘beaten cancer’, she had cancer, received treatment, and recovered.

Devo1818 · 30/08/2022 14:11

I would go, presuming both you and your partner are invited. Make a holiday out of it.

Whataretheodds · 30/08/2022 14:13

I could have written this post (minus the TTC). There waa no way of doing flight /accommodation cheaply, and I'd already been to the location twice - great holiday destination but not on my list.

I didn't go, felt quite guilty about it, but i don't think it fundamentally changed out friendship.

CapMarvel · 30/08/2022 14:16

It's an invite, not a summons.

If you don't want to or can't go then... just don't.

justaladyLOL · 30/08/2022 14:16

I would not go to a destination event.

It is not my event and I have a mortgage to pay plus other bills. I would rater pay the 2k or so it will probably cost off the mortgage

HannahSternDefoe · 30/08/2022 14:18

It's not a wedding.

You were at the ACTUAL wedding.

Don't waste your money or time.

Original poster
Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 14:19

Yes my partner has been invited, and will most likely join if I decide to go.

Sorry about saying beaten cancer, it wasn't be intention to cause offence.

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/08/2022 14:23

Sorry but..........

They had to get married urgently for visa reasons...

WTF does THAT mean? 👀

Oh and also, no way would I be going. Not to a destination wedding - OR a destination non-wedding! Not even if I wanted to go to that country. People who have destination weddings are arsehats IMO.

Mumspair1 · 30/08/2022 14:25

justaladyLOL · 30/08/2022 14:16

I would not go to a destination event.

It is not my event and I have a mortgage to pay plus other bills. I would rater pay the 2k or so it will probably cost off the mortgage

This. These destination wedding are such an incredible audacity. It is a HUGE ask of people to spend thousands of pounds, take precious annual leave and then you will need spending money to keep yourself busy for a week. I wouldn't go and wouldn't feel guilty too. She is already married, this is just the party. You are going to spend thousands for a party? Take her for a meal when she's back. In this current climate, it's just stupid to spend money on someone else's destination party.

JenniferBarkley · 30/08/2022 14:34

Go because you'll enjoy it and love your friend, or don't go because you can't afford it or don't have the leave to spare.

Don't make it about their legal ceremony, her cancer or your TTC (particularly if her cancer treatment affected her fertility).

We got married abroad. It was fun. Not everyone could make it. That's fine, there didn't need to be any agonising.

DwightShrutesYFronts · 30/08/2022 14:37

CapMarvel · 30/08/2022 14:16

It's an invite, not a summons.

If you don't want to or can't go then... just don't.

Are people really still saying this? I think any invitee probably already knows that it's not a summons FGS.