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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Destination 'Wedding' RSVP

40 replies

Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 13:37

A close friend of mine eloped this summer. I was one of two guests and one of the witnesses. They had to get married urgently for visa reasons and are planning a 'real wedding' celebration next summer in their home country.

Well the invites came out a couple of months ago for this destination wedding and I can't decide what to do. I really need to make a decision soon.

On the one hand, it should be an interesting experience to go to a wedding in a different country. And, I am one of her closest friends so I think she will be really devastated if I don't go.

However, I'd realistically have to go for 1 week (its 10hr flight), I won't know anyone there, and I slightly begrudge going to a destination wedding when they are already married. I plan to start TTC next year so this potentially will be my last child free summer and I would like to prioritise my own travel plans.

Am I being unreasonable?

YABU - suck it up and go! you will have fun!
YANBU - prioritise your own plans, they are already married!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 14:39

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps Because one of them is in the UK on a spousal visa, therefore they had to be married within a certain timeframe. Not sure what is so strange about that, and I certainly don't judge. Its not their fault our immigration system is so antiquated.

Thank you @JenniferBarkley - I hadn't thought of what you said, but I do think that's why I feel so uncomfortable " Sorry that doesn't work for my family planning timeline" to someone who might be infertile feels abit wrong. But your right, I don't need to give the specific reason why.

OP posts:
GrandSlamFinalee · 30/08/2022 14:41

For a close friend, I absolutely would do that trip. Only if I could afford it though. Can you? You're also entitled to say no, if you really don't want to go.

JenniferBarkley · 30/08/2022 14:43

Fiestaa · 30/08/2022 14:39

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps Because one of them is in the UK on a spousal visa, therefore they had to be married within a certain timeframe. Not sure what is so strange about that, and I certainly don't judge. Its not their fault our immigration system is so antiquated.

Thank you @JenniferBarkley - I hadn't thought of what you said, but I do think that's why I feel so uncomfortable " Sorry that doesn't work for my family planning timeline" to someone who might be infertile feels abit wrong. But your right, I don't need to give the specific reason why.

You can say no in a nice way, I'm sure she'll be fine. "I'm so happy for you, and I'm so excited to hear about it, I just can't afford it. Dying to see the photos" etc etc. It'll be fine, don't overthink it. Get a nice present and write a lovely card.

BarrelOfOtters · 30/08/2022 14:43

I'd go, I've been to a few destination weddings and combined them with a bit of a holiday and had a blast. The only one I didn't go to I really quite regret, I didn't go because I would only have known my partner. In retrospect it's quite good fun being the one from further away - you don't need to act like yourself.

But you know your finances and what else you are planning to do...

Lcb123 · 30/08/2022 14:46

I’m sure she’d understand if you can’t go. But a holiday in South Africa sounds amazing, I’d jump at the chance to go!

gogohmm · 30/08/2022 14:54

If you can afford it I would suggest incorporating it into a holiday, if you go for 2 weeks then only 2-3 days is the wedding/pre wedding prep, then enjoy your holiday. I'm sure if she has local knowledge she can advise the best way to enjoy your holiday. Perfect for a last child free trip

Salacia · 30/08/2022 14:55

Not sure I’d call it a destination wedding if it’s her home country. If she’s (or the groom?) have friends/family there then it will always be a destination wedding for somebody. I know mumsnet hates weddings/brides but it seems a bit unfair to set her up for judgement. The world has changed and very few people spend their whole lives alongside the majority of their friends and family in one small area.

That said it’s your choice and (I don’t think you’ve implied anything to the contrary) it doesn’t sound like she’s demanding you go or being unreasonable so it’s up to you. If there’s somewhere you’d rather go or would struggle to afford it/get the leave then you can’t go. If she’s a good friend I’m sure she’d understand and you can organise something to celebrate before/after she goes. Alternatively a pre-baby holiday in South Africa could be amazing, you’d only need a day or two for the wedding surely and then could go on safari, go to the vineyards etc etc. it might be that you can do the wedding and scratch that travel itch!

Octomore · 30/08/2022 15:01

I am generally opposed to destination weddings, unless it's for a good reason (e.g. most of the couple's family being based in the country that they are getting married in). In this case, it's their home country, which is fair enough.

However.... I wouldn't take a week of annual leave and travel to another country to celebrate the 'wedding' of two people who are already married! They chose to elope, which was their choice, but they can't now expect people to travel for a wedding that isn't really a wedding. It's really just a knees up for their family back home, isn't it?

pjani · 30/08/2022 15:08

I’m another person who thinks - have a great childfree holiday in South Africa!

Is there a particular reason you’re feeling so unenthusiastic about going?

You get to go to a wedding celebration of one of your closest friends (seeing them saying the vows will still be special won’t it?) and it’s in a holiday destination. Or are you maybe someone who doesn’t really like weddings that much? I love seeing my friends in love, all dolled up, so maybe that’s why this just isn’t computing.

Thurlow · 30/08/2022 15:13

I’d go if I wanted to make it into a holiday - a friend married in California a few years back so we took a 10 day trip which was amazing.

But only if, that’s a ridiculous distance to travel for a few days.

balalake · 30/08/2022 15:54

Politely decline, offer a celebration in the UK for those who cannot travel.

Wexone · 30/08/2022 16:19

if it was me and i could afford it i wouldn't be questioning anything, would be definitely going and would make it a holiday. No question about it. I would do that for a close friend and wouldn't begrudge them in the slightest

Twizbe · 30/08/2022 16:25

I'd go to South Africa for sure. DH had to work there for a while and said it was great to visit. It might be a long flight but there isn't much of a time difference (an hour or so depending on time of year) so you can really get the most out of your trip with no jet lag.

You could combine it with a beach holiday as well.

bloodyunicorns · 30/08/2022 17:42

Asking someone to travel that far for essentially a party is a huge ask.

You can surely celebrate her recovery from cancer here at home?

Do you fancy going to SA? If it's somewhere you want to go, then plan your own itinerary after her wedding.

But if she's a good friend she will understand if you can't make it.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 11/03/2023 18:22

Is it during our summer or summer in S.A?

That would be my decider.

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