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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much do you expect to be informed..

37 replies

MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 13:26

As to what your little ones are doing with their grandparents?

I have very little contact with my parents, however still try to enable DS (aged 4) to have a relationship with them. I'm not sure if IABU I'm expecting to know where they are when DS is with them so looking for others opinions so I can make clear what my expectations are.

For example, when would you expect to be told if they left the village, city, county? Do grandparents let you know what yoir DC had for tea or what they've been up to?
GPs usually collect from preschool but then I have radio silence unless I ask, to which I usually get the bare minimum to vaguely answer my question. Not sure if I'm the unreasonable one and I'm being controlling or if I need to start expecting more communication from them.

OP posts:
PonyTime · 30/08/2022 13:27

YABU

And controlling

On pick up I get 'they had a lovely day'

I say great, say bye bye kids

And off we go

Orangey25 · 30/08/2022 13:29

I dont really understand why if you have very little contact with your parents why you would let them pick up your DC from pre school especially if they don't keep you informed of what they are doing with them.
To answer your question though i would expect to know beforehand what they might be getting up to. I wouldn't expect constant updates though unless it was a quick message to say " is it ok if i take dc to x,y or z"

KEG05 · 30/08/2022 13:29

I think there’s a balance. I like to know what my little DD has been up to and what she’s had to eat but only so I can balance what I’d give her. I don’t need to know because I know my mum loves them and they always have a great time.

Original poster
MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 13:32

No, I don't expect constant updates. Maybe to be asked if they are travelling more than an hour away and maybe a text after they have gone to sleep to say if there has been any issues (DS fell over, didn't like his veggies or that sort of thing) and to let me know he has gone to sleep OK.

DS really enjoys going there, and as there hasn't been any issues as such, I don't think its fair to say he can't go yet. Though I always keep questioning if letting him is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
PonyTime · 30/08/2022 13:36

MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 13:32

No, I don't expect constant updates. Maybe to be asked if they are travelling more than an hour away and maybe a text after they have gone to sleep to say if there has been any issues (DS fell over, didn't like his veggies or that sort of thing) and to let me know he has gone to sleep OK.

DS really enjoys going there, and as there hasn't been any issues as such, I don't think its fair to say he can't go yet. Though I always keep questioning if letting him is the right thing to do.

Considering a school wouldn't even inform you of those minor issues YABU for thinking you should get a report from your parent

thistimelastweek · 30/08/2022 13:38

We have our grandchildren once a week and although we always report back, we don't always outline our plans in advance. We would always let them know in advance if we were travelling a fair distance.

However, our DIL never ever questions our plans and activities and that level of trust is very important to us. She gives us confidence in our own judgement and we are so appreciative of that.

LionessesRules · 30/08/2022 13:39

No, I wouldnt expect to be told about leaving the town or county (but then I can pass through 3 counties in 20 mins of driving, and my parents are right on a boundary too).
Either you trust your parents to look after your child, and leave them too it, or you don't trust them to do the right thing, and you should find alternative childcare.

A brief chat about what they have been up to when you collect, along with the highs and lows yes. But not an hourly update.

Eek3under3 · 30/08/2022 13:42

Going against the grain here, I like to know what my DC are doing/ have done with GPs. I also like to know what they’ve eaten - not to be controlling but so I can think of what to give them for dinner etc.

HMReturnsBag · 30/08/2022 13:42

I would be surprised if my mum didn't mention what they'd been up to but just as part of general chat, not some sort of formal report.

I wonder whether the issue is that you have very little contact with them but they are still picking up DC and providing childcare. Is there a reason? It sounds a bit as if what you want is something more like a report from a nursery.

KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 13:43

My parents had my two one day per week when they were young.

We'd make conversation at pick up and drop off so I might hear things in passing "we thought we'd go to the zoo today" or "We baked a cake with Grandma today", but they never felt they had to tell me anything or ask permission.

Either you trust them to care for DC and let them do it, or you don't.

shazzybazzy34 · 30/08/2022 13:44

I have very little contact with my parents, however still try to enable DS (aged 4) to have a relationship with them

So I let them do childcare by picking him up every day from preschool. They do not give me a blow by blow account of what he is doing when they have him and if he liked his veggies or not.

Give me a fucking break.

KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 13:45

In definitely wouldn't be expecting them to update me while they're with DC

TabithaTittlemouse · 30/08/2022 13:47

We might send a photo of something that we are doing with dgc (for example today we fed the ducks so sent a photo of dgc at the duck pond).

We wouldn’t let them know every time dgc eats and sleeps and although we might mention where we are going we don’t feel the need to ask.

You either trust them or you don’t.

fwiw I don’t have any communication with my mother so my dc didn’t visit until they could communicate about how they were, if they wanted to come home etc.

Rosebel · 30/08/2022 14:03

My parents used to have my children for a few days in the holidays when they were younger.
Never got updates or expected them. They would quite often take them on days out and I found out afterwards.
I don't really think you should let your son go if you don't trust them and if you want updates then you obviously don't trust them.

Whodoiwanttobe · 30/08/2022 14:09

MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 13:26

As to what your little ones are doing with their grandparents?

I have very little contact with my parents, however still try to enable DS (aged 4) to have a relationship with them. I'm not sure if IABU I'm expecting to know where they are when DS is with them so looking for others opinions so I can make clear what my expectations are.

For example, when would you expect to be told if they left the village, city, county? Do grandparents let you know what yoir DC had for tea or what they've been up to?
GPs usually collect from preschool but then I have radio silence unless I ask, to which I usually get the bare minimum to vaguely answer my question. Not sure if I'm the unreasonable one and I'm being controlling or if I need to start expecting more communication from them.

If I didn’t have a relationship with my parents I wouldn’t allow my child to either. I like knowing what my son does with his Aunty (the only person who has him) and she always texts me.

2bazookas · 30/08/2022 14:17

would you expect to be told if they left the village, city, county?

No, if that was within the expected period of care.

Do grandparents let you know what yoir DC had for tea?

Why should they? As a grandparent, it would never occur to me to mention the menu. My sons know we feed the GC's healthily and the GC's love eating our food.

CurbsideProphet · 30/08/2022 14:27

The reason why you don't have much contact with your parents is clearly the missing piece of the puzzle here. My parents look after my sibling's children regularly and put photos in the family WhatsApp group so we can all see them happy / playing / on days out. They don't have to, they just think it's a nice thing to do. If you don't get along with your parents it's not surprising that you would want more info about how your DS spends his time with them.

Original poster
MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 17:06

shazzybazzy34 · 30/08/2022 13:44

I have very little contact with my parents, however still try to enable DS (aged 4) to have a relationship with them

So I let them do childcare by picking him up every day from preschool. They do not give me a blow by blow account of what he is doing when they have him and if he liked his veggies or not.

Give me a fucking break.

I don't use them for child care, I have no need for them to have DS for me. They want to have a relationship with him, so they collect him from nursery as they prefer to do so just after lunch and I am at work then. They don't have him every day, they have him one day a week from lunch time and he stags over night every other week, at their request. They made it perfectly clear they would not be used as child care and as such, I have my child care needs covered.

OP posts:
Original poster
MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 17:10

I think the issue is there is no informal chat between me and my parents at all so I get no insight into their relationship with him. They pick DS up from preschool and then they either take him to preschool the next day, or I go to pick him up and they say bye to DS and shut the door. They do not text unless they want to change a premade arrangement, just complete silence.

OP posts:
HMReturnsBag · 30/08/2022 17:12

Is there a reason you have so little contact with them?

shazzybazzy34 · 30/08/2022 17:30

MandrakesMum · 30/08/2022 17:06

I don't use them for child care, I have no need for them to have DS for me. They want to have a relationship with him, so they collect him from nursery as they prefer to do so just after lunch and I am at work then. They don't have him every day, they have him one day a week from lunch time and he stags over night every other week, at their request. They made it perfectly clear they would not be used as child care and as such, I have my child care needs covered.

Show quote history

Well you said in your opening post that they collect him from nursery every day, you are in work at this time so that sounds like childcare in some form to me.

Kite22 · 30/08/2022 17:43

I wouldn't expect a report.

But then I wouldn't leave my dc with people I couldn't even bring myself to have a 2 minute chat with when I pick them up. That is what is weird here.

As I only ever left my dc with people I liked and people I trusted completely then I didn't need them to check in with me, but as they were normal people that I had a relationship with, then they'd probably say "ooh, he hasn't eaten much today" or "sorry, hope it doesn't disrupt his sleep tonight be he fell asleep in the car to 2 mins on the way home at about 4pm" etc etc.

StopFeckingFaffing · 30/08/2022 17:51

I struggle to understand how you can be happy for your 4yo DS to stay overnight every fortnight with family members who you have almost no personal contact with. However, assuming you trust them to care for your DS and keep him safe then you can't really expect a detailed report from them about how they spend the time.

Very strange situation but I think YABU one way or another

luxxlisbon · 30/08/2022 17:54

Surely this just comes up in conversation?
I can’t tell if you are being unreasonable or now because your two examples are so extreme, it’s not crazy to want to know if DS fell and hurt himself but it is sort of crazy to want a text because he didn’t like his veggies!

Ragged · 30/08/2022 17:58

1-2 minute update? If they had a good day then why would I need to try to learn more?