How much do you expect to be informed..

[MandrakesMum]

As to what your little ones are doing with their grandparents?

I have very little contact with my parents, however still try to enable DS (aged 4) to have a relationship with them. I'm not sure if IABU I'm expecting to know where they are when DS is with them so looking for others opinions so I can make clear what my expectations are.

For example, when would you expect to be told if they left the village, city, county? Do grandparents let you know what yoir DC had for tea or what they've been up to?
GPs usually collect from preschool but then I have radio silence unless I ask, to which I usually get the bare minimum to vaguely answer my question. Not sure if I'm the unreasonable one and I'm being controlling or if I need to start expecting more communication from them.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, I’d definitely expect to be told if my parents took my kid out of the country! But I think the reason for your low contact is the actual issue here, why do they have your kid so much?

The bigger question is why you’re facilitating a relationship with people who you yourself have no real relationship with.

So they say goodbye to ds but don't chat to you. At all? They just shut the door?

Yeah. I wouldn't be facilitating any relationship between them if thats the case.

I wouldn't be facilitating this. It sounds toxic, and there are many situations where having contact is more damaging than not.

If you cannot maintain, or don't want, a functional relationship with them which includes you having conversations, your child shouldn't either. What are you teaching them about relationships with parents? Or acceptable ways to be treated?

It's not normal, but then it's not a normal situation. I wouldn't be facilitating that relationship if there's practically no contact between you and them.

The nearest I come to it is letting dc stay with their other grandparents (ex-h's parents), with whom I would have no contact if it weren't for dc. They live further away so it's a few days in the holidays rather than a day a week. Dc are now old enough to tell me themselves what they've been up to. When they were younger, I would phone daily to talk to dc and grandparents would talk through the children, e.g. 'we've had a lovely day at the farm, haven't we?'. I wouldn't expect, and didn't get, any report of what they ate, how they slept etc. unless they were sick and needed picking up earlier than planned. I think your problem is not the lack of information but the lack of relationship. The amount of information provided is normal, but the lack of engagement with you (do they know you would like to talk? Do you give the impression of wanting to say something, maybe they think you don't want any contact with them?) makes it unworkable. I would stop contact with them entirely until you've worked through whatever made you go LC.

This is so sad to read OP. Has something absolutely awful happened in the past or are they just really cold people?

Given you had a “normal” relationship with your DPs I absolutely would expect to be informed if they were taking DS on a trip/travelling somewhere.

Then I’d expect at least some communication with them at pick up/drop off about their day, if they’ve had a nice time, what they had for lunch etc.

But to them this ‘not communicating’ with you sounds normal and reasonable to them. If you don’t like this, make it clear to them.

This sounds completely dysfunctional.

My 2DC recently had a weeks holiday (holiday park in UK, reasonably near where we live) with PILs. We had an update maybe once or twice a day with things like "been to the beach this morning, going to park later" or "went to the pub for lunch & DC1 tried Nanny's lunch" or perhaps a photo of DC on a sun-lounger 🤷🏼‍♀️
I don't necessarily expect such updates, but it's nice / reassuring that they are having a good time.
When my kids have a sleepover or days out with my parents I get similar updates.
But then, thinking about it, I send similar updates to both sets of grandparents if we're on a day out to a zoo or something. So I guess it's similar expectations all round 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know it sounds ridiculous but yes, thats pretty much what happens.

I fully see that the whole thing is dysfunctional, but DS on the whole seems to enjoy going, and any mention of him going less results in texts of how we are alienating him from them and how he's missing out on a relationship with his grandparents (MIL and FIL live abroad so he doesn't have that sort of relationship with them).

To give some back story, my parents have always been quite cold and unemotional, and growing up quite "shouty". I wouldn't say I had an abusive childhood, and was quite privileged in terms of the activities and hobbies i did, and things i was bought, but it was deffinatley not "right". A long time ago my parents split and I was piggy in the middle and didn't handle it great. Unpleasant things were said by all, but now they are back together and have happily forgiven each other yet seem to hold a grudge against me for not dealing with a horrible situation differently. We tried to move forward but everytime I dare disagree with anything g they say they being up anything from the past (including things I said/did as a child).
When I met DH he brought some outside perspective (I have aspergers, in case that's relevant) and slowly I cut contact which pretty much resolved my anxiety and depression. Then when I had DS they saw him sporadically as a baby, then last year decided they wanted regular contact with him.
Obviously that is a very brief overview of how we got into this situation.

That sounds awful, op. I’m really sorry. I think in your shoes I’d be tempted to limit their contact with your child as well. They can’t demand access and if they’re not willing to treat you decently, do you really want them in his life?

I am so sorry you are being treated this way. Its beyond wrong. To reply to your original post, now knowing they do not speak to you at all - yes, I would expect to know, even if only written on a piece of paper/text.

HOWEVER, I would actually stop all contact. Grandparents have no legal rights, only what the parents allow, and if mine did not talk to me they could whistle for any access. You have no idea of what poison they are drip feeding your son. You have no idea of the damage you/they are causing ds by him watching your (lack of) communication and interactions. Children learn by watching. Walk away

Yeah, no i wouldn't be allowing that. Why do you want your dc to have a relationship with people who cant even be civil to you? Absolutely no chance.
And thats a lot of time they are having him. My mum has never had my son overnight.