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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving family 3 hours to be near parents

63 replies

Lifethroughlenses · 30/08/2022 07:02

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve lived down South since uni but DD is coming up to high school age and I can’t stand the thought of my parents struggling to get to hospital appointments, deal with everyday life etc without me as they age. They’d never ask me or expect me to move but the thought of being 3 or 4 hours away kills me. I also think it will get harder to drag the kids back for weekends and holidays once they are teens. My DH isn’t massively keen but would move if I really want to. I’m happyish down South but I feel this is last chance saloon really. There are other pros - family nearby (we have none here), slightly cheaper house prices, chance to explore new areas.

OP posts:

Hyacinth2 · 30/08/2022 07:06

Well surely if you have a DD going to secondary school your parents are not that old . Are they hard up and can't afford taxis?
I wouldn't move near until they are mid 80s (near 70 year old here)

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2022 07:09

How old are they?

Classicblunder · 30/08/2022 07:13

Would it not make more sense for them to move nearer to you, since you have jobs and a settled DD in school and they presumably are retired?

On the age thing - my dad will be almost 80 when my younger son starts secondary school - don't think that is that unusual, he was 30 when he had me, I was 39 when I had DS2

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 30/08/2022 07:16

I would definitely not move my child and disrupt their education (assuming you have good schools and they are happy where they are).

It makes much more sense to suggest to your parents that they move, as you have jobs and schools that tie you to current area, and presumably they are retired.

I would have an honest frank conversation with them about whether they would want to move near to you. What you could do as they get older if they live close to you vs 3-4 hours away.

It may be that they choose to stay where they are. They do need to be aware that you won't be able to keep driving up for hospital appointments, helping with things etc, and that visits may reduce in frequency as your DC get older. They may still make that choice to stay where they are. In which case you shouldn't feel guilty.

Now is a good time to discuss it as when they do get older and frailer a move would be much more difficult.

I would definitely have a discussion with your parents. I wouldn't uproot my family to move close to my elderly parents (unless I genuinely thought that was best for us), as I think my first priority is the wellbeing and upbringing of my children.

N4ish · 30/08/2022 07:25

I definitely wouldn’t, that’s a terrible age to try and move children unless you really have to.

Are you sure your parents actually want you to do this? Would it be better to wait and see how things pan out over the next few years? Once your kids have finished school you’ll be freer to move.

Festoonlights · 30/08/2022 07:27

What? No. Don't do it.

Your parents came move to be nearer to you.
Uprooting your whole family, including a dh that is not keen on the move to be an unpaid carer is absolute madness
Have you considered how seriously unsettling it is going be for your dc to live their home, friends, memories and life to live elsewhere in a place they have no connection to?
What about their future prospects in your parents' home town?
Good jobs are plentiful in the south, will it be the same where your parents live?

I would not even consider doing this, your poor kids!

Meraas · 30/08/2022 07:27

N4ish · 30/08/2022 07:25

I definitely wouldn’t, that’s a terrible age to try and move children unless you really have to.

Are you sure your parents actually want you to do this? Would it be better to wait and see how things pan out over the next few years? Once your kids have finished school you’ll be freer to move.

Why? I thought moving to high school would be a good time to move, as you make nee friends anyway.

Festoonlights · 30/08/2022 07:28

** leave

Porcupineintherough · 30/08/2022 07:33

I don't know why you are getting all these vehement "no, don't do it" messages. Certainly as your child approaches secondary school age, this is the time to move if you are going to.
Do you want to move to be closer to your dp, or to the same town as they are living in? How well does your husband like the area? What are the job opportunities like there for you both? What are the schools like? Is it a good place for teens to grow up in (think about public transport, things to do, crime levels etc).

YANBU to consider it carefully.

Meltingsocks · 30/08/2022 07:33

Absolutely your parents should move if they feel they need to.

I've told mine that if they want my help in old age they need to move closer. They are free to decide if they do that or stay where they are and pay for help.

Porcupineintherough · 30/08/2022 07:35

@Festoonlights that seems a bizarrely emotive response to a quite normal human activity (moving house). There is life beyond the southern UK.

Sceptre86 · 30/08/2022 07:37

Are you an only child? Have they asked for help do they currently need help, would they allow you to help? How close would you buy, what about schooling for your child, do you have more than one child to take into account? Where are your dh's family based, not near you but what if his parents need support eventually? If you move will it make it harder for him to support his should they need it? How does your child feel? What about jobs, can you transfer, do you wfh or will you need to look for new ones?

People make the assumption on here that the 'North' is massively cheaper than living down South but costs are going up everywhere. Your hometown will have changed, friends will have qmoved away as you did. Yes you will have family nearby but unless you've kept in touch over the years it will take time to build bonds.

All you've mentioned in your post is how you feel which is self centred considering it would be a big ask of the rest of your family.

SoupDragon · 30/08/2022 07:39

I wouldn't uproot my entire family when they are not 100% on board with it.

N4ish · 30/08/2022 07:39

Meraas · 30/08/2022 07:27

Why? I thought moving to high school would be a good time to move, as you make nee friends anyway.

Show quote history

I think a child of that age is heading into some of their most tumultuous and difficult years (that was certainly the case for me) and the last thing they need is to be removed from all existing support and friendship networks and moved to a completely new place hours away.

redtshirt50 · 30/08/2022 07:43

I moved a few hours away from primary to secondary school and was fine.

That said I wouldn’t move just because of the parents thing.

I’d move because you want to - otherwise you may well grow to resent it

Redqueenheart · 30/08/2022 07:45

I think you need to put the needs of your own family (kids, partner) first.

would you both have to change jobs? would that mean a set-back in your careers and moving to an area where there are less opportunities? because that would affect your financial stability long term
This might affect your children's education and they would obviously also lose their existing friends. Also if there is less to do there for them as teenagers that will be an issue
If you move somewhere where they are less jobs and higher education opportunities it means your children are likely to move away from you when they are older for jobs and university so your own family could end up being apart
Where are your husband's parent and family living? would you being closer to yours means he is then more cut off from his own family, because that will be an issue too
why don't you ask your parents to move closely?

So I think I would look at this carefully and discuss all the aspects and the impact on everyone before you make that decision with your partner.

I personally would not move because I think the impact on everyone else might not be positive and there are other options

Longdistance · 30/08/2022 07:45

No. You need to put your dc and dh first. Your parents can get taxis to appointments if they can’t drive and if they’re that infirm go to a care home.
Being a carer for parents is miserable. Why uproot everyone?

MichelleScarn · 30/08/2022 07:50

Where are your husbands parents? If not close to yours what if his then need help? Are you looking for a job which will have the flexibility to allow all the time off for attending all these appointments? Are there openings for both you and dh in your areas of work? What about school places?

TiredzzZZ · 30/08/2022 07:50

Well, it depends how close you are to family I guess. As someone who's mum has just passed away, there are several things I'd like to have done differently. Might be easier to move now than in a few years, so I see your perspective. If you children would be on board and excited to move, your DH ok with it, and you are close to your family, then maybe do it. But if the children are not keen, maybe think twice. You sound like a lovely daughter

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2022 08:01

Surely it depends if parents live in nice area, can you get jobs, schools

If your going to move I'd def do it for dc starting high school

WimpoleHat · 30/08/2022 08:04

if your parents are worried about this, then they can move (with your help) closer to you. You can’t expect your whole family’s needs to revolve around theirs. Plus - what about your DH’s parents in all this? How do they figure in this move?

autienotnaughty · 30/08/2022 08:11

Hyacinth2 · 30/08/2022 07:06

Well surely if you have a DD going to secondary school your parents are not that old . Are they hard up and can't afford taxis?
I wouldn't move near until they are mid 80s (near 70 year old here)

My ds is 7. My dad is 76 and needs support.

Quartz2208 · 30/08/2022 08:12

THis is a tricky one because of course it is possible to move but it seems that it is all caught up in some guilt you feel for moving away?

Is it a good enough reason to move given that your DH isnt keen and your children are I assume settled and your parents are presumably still in their 70s at the oldest

My parents did similar (moved after Uni from the midlands to the South Coast) ended up in South London later. My Maternal GM moved down to around 30 mins away after my Grandad died (closest Retirement flat we could get) and Mum visited her once a week until she died. My Paternal Grandmother is still in the Midlands at 98 (around 2 hr drive 3 hrs on the train). Pre Covid my Dad visited once a week, now with his own health issues once a month. His sister is in Australia! They manage perfectly well to sort everything out (and at that age there is quite a lot!)

autienotnaughty · 30/08/2022 08:15

Lots of factors
Do your parents need support
Do they have other support
Parents aside would you move
Are you happy where you are
Is dc happy in school has friends etc
Is dh happy where he is

T he errs nothing wrong with moving but it needs to be about more than be nearer parents. (Unless they desperately need support)

GeekyThings · 30/08/2022 08:21

YANBU to consider it, it's a good idea to think about it now and try to time it so it works best for everyone.

I'd say in terms of kids you would be best looking at now, or waiting until they're college age, which is a long time away. So depending upon the age of your parents it depends if you can wait that long or not. I moved a lot when I was younger, but settled when I was around 10 or 11, and most of my friends are from around that age, so I think in terms of your kids it would be fine to do it now.

Your husband isn't keen, but he isn't against, he probably realises it's something you'll have to do eventually anyway. It's one of those things about marrying someone from out of area, it's bound to happen at some point, so I think he's being sensible.

Logistics would be the thing to think about - where you would go, how you would afford it, where you would work, where the kids would do to school. Things are easier with a plan in place so I would concentrate on that first.

Also bear in mind - 3 hours is a bit too far to be caring daily for elderly parents; but it isn't that far in terms of young people branching out in the world, like you did yourself, so you won't be stifling your kids' futures. And you and your needs are as important as anyone else's in your family, and although they may not be keen on moving, you sound like you may be devastated if you don't, and your parents may end up in desperate need without you, so I would think that is a priority consideration under the circumstances.

You sound like a great daughter to have, your parents are very lucky.

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