Moving family 3 hours to be near parents

[Lifethroughlenses]

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve lived down South since uni but DD is coming up to high school age and I can’t stand the thought of my parents struggling to get to hospital appointments, deal with everyday life etc without me as they age. They’d never ask me or expect me to move but the thought of being 3 or 4 hours away kills me. I also think it will get harder to drag the kids back for weekends and holidays once they are teens. My DH isn’t massively keen but would move if I really want to. I’m happyish down South but I feel this is last chance saloon really. There are other pros - family nearby (we have none here), slightly cheaper house prices, chance to explore new areas.

Surely your parents wouldn't have you running round after them anyway? That's what we scrimp and save all our lives for, to buy in care as needed as we age and let our busy families live their own lives.

Move them closer to you. It's a huge upheaval for your family and once your parents are no longer living your family, especially your kids will need to live with the consequences of this move forever.

We made a big life choice in our 30s centred around our parents and I totally regret making a life long decision for what in hindsight was a relatively (in terms of your entire life) short issue

I think it’s well worth considering, as long as it will work for your family as well as for your parents. If there are good schools, good housing, you’ll both get good work, then why not?

For those saying DP can move to you when they get needy, or they can pay for care - a quick flip to the Elderly Parents board will show just how difficult that is. Especially if it would mean them moving to a more expensive area. But you might want to talk to them about their plans before you do anything drastic.

What are the chances of both of you getting jobs if you move?

Don't do it just because your parents need support, that's insane. If you want to move for other reasons, and the whole family want to move, then absolutely do it. But imagine if someone in your family was desperately unhappy having moved and resented it. You'd probably be spending more time with your side of the family too, and could end up in much more of a caring role than you'd anticipated and your own family may hardly see you for a number of years. What if it's the other way and your elderly parents die within a year or two of you moving everyone up there - would you then be happy to stay there? What if each member of your immediate family disagree as to what to do in those circumstances? What if you all realise it was the wrong decision but financially it's too hard to move back.

I've had experience with relatives who beome elderly and they don't live close by and have no children of their own (not parents, but as the closest relative you do feel a sense of responsibility). One 3-4 hours away and one the other side of the world. Yes, it becomes v difficult when they age to support them from afar, there is little practical help you can give, and the guilt is terrible when it's neighbours who end up being put upon. But when you have that conversation about theiir plans for later in life and they decide they want to stay put then what can you do?

I know a couple of people who retired and decided to downsize. Then they thought that as all their family ties had moved away from themfor work etc then what was stopping THEM moving to their younger family, who have all their lives ahead of them? So they did, and were positive about making a new life for themselves. I think that decision needs to be made at an early stage, though, when you're a relatively fit and well retiree, as if you leave it too long the move can feel like too much of an upheaval.

I don't konw how I'll feel when I get to that age but at 50, as much as I love my home, I'm aware that I could end up a lonely old woman unless I am open-minded to the thought of moving towards wherever my family may be.

Moving isn't that easy though. Jobs, houses, friendship networks - you're giving all of that up because of what might happen. Not every older person needs regular hospital appointments - my own granny was shockingly healthy until her mid 80s and was never in hospital at all until she died suddenly.

My own parents are both late 70s and are not in the best of health, dad has dementia, but again this does not mean regular hospital appointments.

It sounds really harsh but I would always prioritise my own children over my parents. My parents would also not expect us to uproot the children and move them a substantial distance just because of the worry that they might need help at some point in the future. What about your husband's family? Is it only you who feels this duty to be close to your parents - not his?

I am genuinely horrified at the prospect of uprooting pre teens from a happy life they have always known and a less than keen husband to move 3/4 hours away so i could drive my parents to hospital appointments! To me that is utter lunacy and a sure fire way of making life extremely difficult for her children and husband.

By all means organise a driver or carer to help, but to move everyone is a really big deal, and fraught with potential problems and pitfalls too many to list.

There is stability for children in having all of their childhood friends, friends parents, childhood memories, family friends and hobbies etc around them as they enter a big change such as a new secondary school, to take all of that away at such a difficult age anyway unless it is really essential seems quite cruel to me. The gps hospital apps should not come before the children’s needs.

Book more time to see your parents op, perhaps for longer periods over the holidays when you can but I would carefully consider a full relocation.

Have they actually asked you to? Yabu to put them before your dd and dh.

For context, our jobs are mostly remote so we could work from anywhere. My parents couldn’t afford to move to me and they live in a nice family friendly area where schools are good. There are other reasons they can’t move. My youngest is only 5 so I’ve got a long wait before he leaves secondary. I think it would be hard for him if I moved as he went to uni as well. I am excited at the thought of a change and I’m fed up of driving up and down the motorway all the time.

Well feeling like a change and being tired of the drive are not good enough reasons to uproot everyone op!
What if your dc hate it?
Maybe they won’t fit in, and miss their home, friends, life etc. I imagine they might think you were selfish putting your wishes first, before them. Who could blame them?
For some reason people that had a move forced on them as a child that didn’t work out rarely get over it. They still speak about it a lot and are affected even well into adulthood.

Yeah, move, spend time with them before their ailments set in.

Would you be nearer cousins and your own childhood friends? Would your DH be able to meet people he could become friends with? Moving before secondary is best - friendships change from primary regardless if you stay in the same area or not.

This is a bit over dramatic tbh- I moved a lot as a child and my main problem was the frequency as I never felt like I got to put down roots. The moves pre-secondary were also a lot easier than the post-secondary ones as you make friends so much easier and changes in curriculum are much less noticeable. A single move age 10 may be tricky for a bit but I don’t think it’s going to be devastating her into adulthood!

Perfectly sensible to THINK about this, but their lives may not follow the paths you assume. Would you all collectively probably have a better quality of life?

My father’s dilemma was separated parents, one in Spain and one in England (plus a feeling of some responsibility for an old single relative in Ireland). Things would run smoothly for years and then some alignment of the stars would set them all off at almost the same time.

Just because it didn’t bother you doesn’t mean it won’t deeply affect other children. It’s a big risk. A child that constantly moves will feel very differently to one that has never moved.

@Lifethroughlenses

I have read both your posts, but not all the replies.

I would move. It sounds like a good move for you all.

you have other family up there, it's a nice, family, area with good schools, cheaper houses & you get to be near your parents as they age without traipsing up & down the motorway.

It's a good time to move before DD gets settled into high schools & DS will soon make new friends (as 5yr Arnold's do)

you'll regret NOT moving more that you'd ever regret doing it.

MY main suggestion would be to really think about which house you buy and your finances in general, so that if you ever wanted to move back down one day, you are in a good position to do so.

I wouldn’t move teenage children.
Why can’t your parents move??

She doesn't have teenagers. She's already explained why her parents can't/shouldn't move & she likes where they live.

If it’s a nice family area with good schools up north and you’re moving from the south, you’ll be joining hundreds of people who will be doing the same. I’m in a nice part of Liverpool. I’ve noticed so many non-local accents the past few years. Many of them stay here after uni and start their families here but still more come because they think the housing is way cheaper. Well, it’s not really, round where I am. Not any more. Bigger 3 beds are pushing 500k. 4 beds are 500k plus. It’s unbelievable. But the biggest shock they get is that all the best primary schools are full, with waiting lists. People move up and pick an area based on schools and then they are completely shocked to find there is no room for their child at any of the local schools and they’re stuck with one a 20 min car ride away which may not have any kids likely to be going to the same secondary as your child.

Full schools will take your name and put it on the waiting list but until you’ve actually moved and can prove your address they won’t be able to hold it for you and will give it to the next person waiting who is already living there.

just be careful in your assumptions about a school place. The best areas have generally very oversubscribed schools.

i have to say, I have no idea how parents make moves like that when it comes to schools. I feel sorry for those for whom it’s a forced move. And for those who end up with no school place for their child.

@CurlyhairedAssassin 4 beds here are well over £1million. And I’ve contacted the local authorities and checked which schools have places. Although we would rent first so could then buy according to where the school was.

I moved lots of times as a child …have lived all over ,moved from one end of the country to the other ,think entire day traveling,at age 14 ..turned out to be the best thing for me .
im certainly not scared by it ..I moved actual families ,like one family to another 3 times ..I’m still here ,still got good GCSE went to uni .……so many peal clutches on this thread

Do you know lots of children that moved once and were permanently affected by it then ? It’s normal to move ,it’s life ,it’s what people do .

We’ve made it clear that we won’t disrupt our DC schooling so no move for us for a few more years. Our parents are 80. All are fine, are not expecting us to move at this stage, and they could move here if they wanted to.
Then we will move back because we want to. I will retire then and DH works from home - is only expected in the office once a week, if that, and the journey would be less than two hours, so manageable.

We’re in one of those nice areas in Liverpool mentioned in a previous post and we could save money moving back to south yorks, but we wouldn’t dream of moving unless it was absolutely essential eg DH redundancy. My DC still at school has a close circle of friends and would hate to move. We were not disrupted by school moves by our parents and we won’t inflict it on ours unless essential.

My mum moved nearer to us ten years ago now she has been able to help us with childcare when we needed her too and I'm on hand to support her as and when she needs me too. My dad is 25 miles away and mid 70's and is terminal. I'm glad they are near so I can do what I can to support them. I would have the conversation with your parents and see if this is on their radar.