To worry about wanting children?

[Wombat100]

I’m 35 so hardly a spring chicken.

I’m not a mumsy/Mother Nature type (wish I was!) but I do adore my nieces, nephews and my friends’ kids. I’ve never felt a massive urge to have children but a big part of me thinks I’ll really regret it if I don’t.

I think the thing that plays on my mind is that I don’t love my step children in any way - I’ve always been kind and helped look after them but their mum has made our lives pretty miserable at times and so I think in my head I’m associating kids with stress and anxiety because of what she’s put us through with her absolute bullshit. This means that the step kids (through absolutely no fault of their own) are linked (in my mind) with a feeling of unhappiness and I’m worried that will happen if I have children of my own. What if I don’t have that bond with my own kids? Am I being unreasonable to worry about this?

YANBU to think about it because most people do worry but you should not let it stop you.

I have a birth child, ab adopted child and love them both equally. I also have a dog, different species, a love him!

Your partner 's ex has obviously made life difficult and maybe this has stopped you developing loving feelings for your step children.

Also, if they were older when you met them than may have made it harder.

Good luck.

I wouldn’t bother OP. Unless you have that massive time and commitment to put into losing your identity, becoming “mummy” etc than having children isn’t really what it’s cracked up to be, I don’t have kids and don’t regret it based on friend’s stories.

If you're questioning it, then stay child free. In the nicest way possible, it takes a special kind of woman to be a mother whether they are blood related or not.

I felt the same as you. Having my baby was the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s totally personal though, nobody can really advise

You feel completely differently about your own children. It's like a switch in your head goes on.

My cousin only started regretting not having children once she couldn't any more. For the 20 years or more when it was possible, she was adamantly childless. I feel like, her regret is a luxury she's bringing out now there's no risk at all of actually having a child. She seems to enjoy it, tbh.

So you have no experience of being a mother then and cannot make an informed opinion on what it’s “cracked up to be”.

Becoming a mother does not equal losing your identity. It sounds to me like your friends have poor partners and/or a martyr complex.

To OP, if you’re even questioning it at all, you shouldn’t do it.

It’s the most amazing thing in the world, there’s absolutely nothing like the love you feel and just how joyful it can be, but it’s also incredibly hard work sometimes, so if you’re not sure, don’t do it.

You’d bond with your own kids, it’s nothing like having DSC as you are able to raise them the way YOU want

OiDaveItsTrigger

If you're questioning it, then stay child free. In the nicest way possible, it takes a special kind of woman to be a mother whether they are blood related or not.

Can you just for one minute think about how this reads to women who are child-free, childless, non-maternal or struggling to conceive.

You don't become some linen trouser wearing, nature loving, granola eating, wholesome frumpy stranger when you become a mum. You're just you, but with a baby! You do have less time for yourself but you don't have to lose yourself, unless you have a shit partner or other factors.
You WILL love your kids if you chose to have them, so don't let that be one of the factors. But it does sound like you need to do a bit more thinking about if it's something you really want - but don't let the step children issues effect your decision.

Hopefully the childfree, childless, non maternal and struggling to conceive women can be slightly comforted by knowing it’s bollocks. Unless special has a new meaning of ‘the majority of the population’ by now. It’s like me saying people with brown hair are very special!

Trying hard for step kids is hard but pleasing their mum. There's no sense having your own kid, they make you happier than you'll ever think possible, and even before they're born you know you would die to protect them. I often think my baby took first steps. It's nothing special every person walks, but as a mum it's literally the best day ever

Funny, I think the opposite. Anyone I know who has chosen not to have children are very strong in their opinion and know they won't have regrets. They haven't a shred of doubt about the decision.

I was unsure, terrified of the "you have to give up your life and identity" narrative, thought I was too selfish... I now have a child, loved being pregnant and am loving being a mother. It is tough at times, as is everything in life, but I haven't "given up my identity". I was Confusion101, I'm still Confusion101 just with a child. I still socialise, have my own hobbies, have normal conversations with people, spend some money on myself...

You are the only person that can make this decision. Maybe imagine a scenario where you find out you are pregnant. What are the emotions you think you would feel?

Have children because you want them. Not because you think you’ll regret it if you don’t.

I don’t have children and I don’t particularly like (or dislike) other peoples children, but I am sure that I would have felt differently about my own, I just know it.

But I think if you don’t feel inclined to have children by age 35, then maybe you just don’t want children. 🙂

You def don't "lose your identity" when you are a mum. It's lovely. I was 36 when I had mine and I LOVED my life before DC. But now he's here, my life is brilliant too. Just different.

I worked as a nanny for a long time, lived with the families and took care of of them since they were babies. Loved taking care of them but definitely didn’t get that connection.
I now have.a DS of my own. I love him so much, that connection was instant for me and I’d do anything for him. Doesn’t mean I’ve lost my identity. I absolutely LOVED my pre baby life, travelled the world. But my life now I just couldn’t imagine any different.
I always knew I wanted children though, despite loving my pre baby backpacking life. I also always knew that for me personally, I’d have to have my own child to feel that connection, something I’d (most likely) never be able to feel for step children or through adoption.
But having kids is also hard, and does change things, and you definitely should only do it if it’s right for you.

If you're at all unsure, don't do it.

It's one of the biggest commitments you'll ever make and because it affects another person so hugely, it isn't one to be taken lightly.

There are lots of parents who are unsure, go for it and love it. There are also lots of parents who are unsure, go for it, and hate it. Once the genie is out of the bottle you can't stuff it back in. The latter is rarely discussed because it's such a taboo, but plenty of people feel that way, I promise you that.

Having a child is so, so hard, in my opinion you have to really actually want it in order to do a good job and see it through.

I wanted it soooo much, went for it, and utterly adore it. Never been happier. But I fully recognise that it's not for everyone and it's like a bomb going off in your life, everything changes and you can't undo it!

The 'what if I regret not having them?' is a common feeling but not reason alone to have them, when you could equally regret having them. Ask yourself honestly: is that feeling coming from deep within you, because you really want to be a parent and have a child? Or is it the result of living in a society that pressures all women to become mothers, points out the ticking clock, acts like not having kids is a failure, prizes motherhood and suggests that women without kids are less than?

Thanks everyone (except one 😅) for your comments, it’s nice to have perspectives from both sides.

I think the main worry for me is that I was pretty sure I wanted kids/enjoy being around kids etc and then the situation with my step children has been made so toxic that it’s thrown me off kilter.

I don’t know if I’m explaining myself well but it’s just really made me doubt whether I’d be a good parent/if I’m cut out to be a mum because the step kids seem to have been trained to hate me (they never used to!) and it’s just been quite a sad situation/meant there’s no bond there.

But it’s reassuring that posters are saying it’s different with your own children - I guess I know that deep down….and equally I don’t know why I’m letting a woman I don’t really even know (step kids’ mum) make me doubt myself like this.

Thanks for this comment, it’s struck a chord as I could have written it myself!! Describes exactly how I feel! How did you decide to take the plunge in the end when you had so many worries?

I wouldn't have them now. I don't mean this in an offensive way but I think you're too old, not to have a child, but to be undecided at this stage of your life. I'm a similar age to you and finished adding to my family a few years ago. I know people have different circumstances and all are different stages but if you've reached 35 and still unsure, I'd say don't start now. Having said that, I wouldn't let your experience with your step kids put you off because when you have your own, you find your own way and it all comes instinctively.

It's absolutely OK to not want children, so don't have them just because you think you're "missing out".

YANBU to think about it because most people do worry but you should not let it stop you

This is such an irresponsible thing to say! OP isn't sure if she wants to have a child and you say don't let that stop you. Seriously? You're talking about creating an actual person, one that OP isn't actually sure she wants, and you just say ah crack on, don't let doubt stop you.

You’re right to say if you’re questioning it stay child-free but to say it takes a special kind of woman to be a mother is frankly insulting and stupid.

I was never a maternal person, I have 7 nieces and nephews but never babysat, changed nappies etc. and although I presumed one day I'd have children, they were never really in my life when I looked ahead. Then I fell pregnant accidentally, and from the moment I saw the positive test I was a Mum and it was all I wanted.
I have 5 children now, and there's nothing I'd rather be.
How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant unexpectedly? I think this is a good way to test how you really feel, like in Friends when Phoebe tells Rachel she's not pregnant, when she actually is!

Thanks all; definitely a mix of responses which is good for thought x