Page 2 | To worry about wanting children?

Wombat100 · 2022-08-29T23:20:39+00:00

I’m 35 so hardly a spring chicken. I’m not a mumsy/Mother Nature type (wish I was!) but I do adore my nieces, nephews and my friends’ kids. I’ve never felt a massive urge to have children but a big part of me thinks I’ll really regret it if I don’t. I think the thing that plays on my mind is that I don’t love my step children in any way - I’ve always been kind and helped look after them but their mum has made our lives pretty miserable at times and so I think in my head I’m associating kids with stress and anxiety because of what she’s put us through with her absolute bullshit. This means that the step kids (through absolutely no fault of their own) are linked (in my mind) with a feeling of unhappiness and I’m worried that will happen if I have children of my own. What if I don’t have that bond with my own kids? Am I being unreasonable to worry about this?

Original poster

Wombat100 · 30/08/2022 10:20

1stTimeMama · 30/08/2022 10:10

I was never a maternal person, I have 7 nieces and nephews but never babysat, changed nappies etc. and although I presumed one day I'd have children, they were never really in my life when I looked ahead. Then I fell pregnant accidentally, and from the moment I saw the positive test I was a Mum and it was all I wanted.
I have 5 children now, and there's nothing I'd rather be.
How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant unexpectedly? I think this is a good way to test how you really feel, like in Friends when Phoebe tells Rachel she's not pregnant, when she actually is!

I think I also always presumed I’d have children too actually, but as you say it’s difficult to actually imagine them when I look ahead!

Lovely that you now have five! 💕

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Original poster

Wombat100 · 30/08/2022 10:21

For the posters asking how I’d feel if I accidentally found out I was pregnant - I think I’d feel absolutely terrified but also over the moon. Which is a strange mix of feelings but maybe that’s natural!

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Original poster

Wombat100 · 30/08/2022 10:22

Derbee · 30/08/2022 01:32

I felt the same as you. Having my baby was the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s totally personal though, nobody can really advise

Thankyou, this is reassuring!

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Letitmow · 30/08/2022 10:22

It is different when its your own children (biological or adopted) than step children which invariably has other factors at play like relationships with exes and shared custody and the logistics etc of that. But yes some people do fail to bond and essentially regret having them, it is a risk as anything in life is. You can have an equally fulfilling life with or without children it all just depends what you want.

Original poster

Wombat100 · 30/08/2022 10:24

lickenchugget · 30/08/2022 03:34

You’d bond with your own kids, it’s nothing like having DSC as you are able to raise them the way YOU want

That’s very true, thanks: I’ve always liked the step kids (they’re great kids) but have never been able to do right for doing wrong according to their mum so it’s not been a great experience x

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Original poster

Wombat100 · 30/08/2022 10:28

Letitmow · 30/08/2022 10:22

It is different when its your own children (biological or adopted) than step children which invariably has other factors at play like relationships with exes and shared custody and the logistics etc of that. But yes some people do fail to bond and essentially regret having them, it is a risk as anything in life is. You can have an equally fulfilling life with or without children it all just depends what you want.

I think you’re right that’s it’s a risk along with everything else in life….I’m probably quite risk averse by nature so think I’d like a 100% guarantee but that’s clearly not possible haha.

I also think there’s an expectation by a lot of people that you should instantly love your step kids like you would your own children, so maybe I’m feeling guilty that I don’t love them, it just makes me feel like a bad person for some reason!

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JaninaDuszejko · 30/08/2022 10:29

I think a life without children can be a valuable and rewarding life. I also think a lot of bollocks is spoken about how unless you always wanted children you shouldn't be a parent. Personally I'd say there are parts of parenting that are very hard and thinking seriously about the pros and cons of parenthood is a positive rather than a negative. The people I know who have struggled the most with parenthood are those who 'always wanted' children and found the negatives overwhelming because they hadn't anticipated them. And your age is fine, I didn't want children in my 20s and early 30s but then had 3 in quick succession because I wanted to have children with DH because I knew he'd be a fab Dad (he is).

But what matters though is not just your feelings on the matter but your DH. He already has children, does he want more and will he be an active parent to your child? How good a parent is he to his current children (and what is the cause of the toxicity with his first wife, is it related to how he does or doesn't parents)? Does he financially support them like he should, and can he afford to continue doing that if you have a child together? Don't even consider having a child with him unless you can honestly say to yourself that he is an involved and responsible parent to his current children.

Original poster

Wombat100 · 30/08/2022 10:43

JaninaDuszejko · 30/08/2022 10:29

I think a life without children can be a valuable and rewarding life. I also think a lot of bollocks is spoken about how unless you always wanted children you shouldn't be a parent. Personally I'd say there are parts of parenting that are very hard and thinking seriously about the pros and cons of parenthood is a positive rather than a negative. The people I know who have struggled the most with parenthood are those who 'always wanted' children and found the negatives overwhelming because they hadn't anticipated them. And your age is fine, I didn't want children in my 20s and early 30s but then had 3 in quick succession because I wanted to have children with DH because I knew he'd be a fab Dad (he is).

But what matters though is not just your feelings on the matter but your DH. He already has children, does he want more and will he be an active parent to your child? How good a parent is he to his current children (and what is the cause of the toxicity with his first wife, is it related to how he does or doesn't parents)? Does he financially support them like he should, and can he afford to continue doing that if you have a child together? Don't even consider having a child with him unless you can honestly say to yourself that he is an involved and responsible parent to his current children.

Thanks for your comment, I’m glad it’s not just me who’s not been 100% sure either way. And it’s also reassuring to know that I haven’t necessarily missed the boat age wise (though I obviously know it will likely be harder the older I get)!

My DH has always been a good parent from everything I’ve seen over the last few years - he pays all maintenance due and he’s always tried to be involved with the kids. I think the problems with the kids’ mum maybe stems from jealousy? Although for no good reason - they had already been split up for a couple of years when we got together so no “other woman” issues. She just seems to detest me and has basically poisoned the children against us/has now stopped access altogether (DH is currently going through court to get access back).

He has said that the decision is mine - he would love another child but equally if I don’t want any then he would support my decision in that.

Also any decision we take to have kids ourselves won’t affect the maintenance he already pays, we both know it’s his obligation to pay for his kids x

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aSofaNearYou · 30/08/2022 13:22

I wouldn't base it on how you feel about your DSC, it's completely different with your own kids. I would put that part out of your mind and focus on the rest!

WoodlandMummy · 30/08/2022 14:16

So much bollocks on this thread about not having kids past a certain, arbitrary age 🙄

I didn’t want kids in my twenties and thirties at all, changed my mind in my forties. V happily and v heavily pregnant with my first currently. Glad I didn’t listen to such shit advice.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/08/2022 14:23

I didn’t want kids in my twenties and thirties at all, changed my mind in my forties

That's great, but for a lot of women deliberately waiting that long is tempting biological fate.

Confusion101 · 30/08/2022 17:37

WoodlandMummy · 30/08/2022 14:16

So much bollocks on this thread about not having kids past a certain, arbitrary age 🙄

I didn’t want kids in my twenties and thirties at all, changed my mind in my forties. V happily and v heavily pregnant with my first currently. Glad I didn’t listen to such shit advice.

Such shit advice? Wow.... Its science, biology... Glad it worked out for you but you are one of the exceptions, not the rule... For many women that wouldn't be the case. I haven't even seen many people speaking about age on this thread to be honest, in comparison to other similar threads... Very insensitive comment imo.

OP you asked how I got over my fears. A few things happened. I saw friends becoming mothers, all very different, and figured there isn't a one size fits all in motherhood. One friend has changed her identity, motherhood is now her sole identity but that's what she wants. I knew I didn't want that and saw other friends become mothers and not lose who they are so knew it could be done.

I figured I wasn't selfish and would share my life with another person if I love them enough because that's what I was doing with my partner.

I actually was in counselling for other reasons and this topic came up. I talked through my fears with the counsellor, and figured out a lot of them were me putting up a wall incase I couldn't have children so I could say "oh wasn't sure if I wanted them anyway".

Letitmow · 30/08/2022 17:51

WoodlandMummy · 30/08/2022 14:16

So much bollocks on this thread about not having kids past a certain, arbitrary age 🙄

I didn’t want kids in my twenties and thirties at all, changed my mind in my forties. V happily and v heavily pregnant with my first currently. Glad I didn’t listen to such shit advice.

It's not an arbitrary age, it's a span of decades after which fertility declines and the risk to baby is much higher for certain conditions. Of course many people can get pregnant and have healthy babies in their forties but there's a higher chance of success in your 20s and 30s. Nothing wrong with women considering that when deciding.

AnuSTart · 31/08/2022 07:33

I was never sure about having kids, am not maternal really. I now have kids and although I love them I do wish I had remained childless. I don't regret them as such. As people they are great, but it's relentless and it's exhausting and I feel guilty about cluttering up the planet with more people.
Luckily for me I continued with my studies and career but it that had fallen by the wayside I'd now be profoundly depressed.

Turniptracker · 31/08/2022 07:52

My personal opinion - if I was you I would have a child. I am 35, I was on the fence (husband really wanted a child), but I've just had a baby. I hated pregnancy, didn't have any feelings towards my foetus and I was expecting parenthood to be awful, but now he is here I actually I love it, I love my kid - he is awesome. I am still able to see my friends, do my hobbies etc, and so does my husband. I find it sad that your experience with your step kids has marred your views about having your own child. I think being a mum to your own child would be very different from being a mum to your SCs.