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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bugger off on a secret break??

68 replies

WhereshouldIgo · 29/08/2022 19:32

My question is AIBU? And if it WHERE would you go??

DP is taking kids off for 2 weeks in October for an overseas family visit.
I will be staying, to WFH.

this has NEVER happened and eldest is 13. I am besides myself with the potential luxury of being home alone…

BUT. I’m really tempted to do something to —- along the lines of a health retreat, or spa break or city visit, U.K. or Europe for a few days, 5 days or so. and not tell DP til after … I can afford about £1k max - where would you go??? What would you do?

I’ll tell DP after, I just don’t want anyone raining on my potential parade as in theory I’m not doing family trip to save ££ and holiday time. Though the main reason is - I just don’t want to spend time/money on that trip ( we go enough as a family…)

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 30/08/2022 09:33

WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 09:11

‘Why not tell him your plans in advance?’

because DP will try to talk me out of it.

Eh?
Why would he do that?
Is he a fun sponge, or resentful that you are not going on the family trip?

For the first 10 years of DCs lives DP had a job with travel 1-2 weeks a month travelling biz class while I worked FT and held everything together at home.
And yet you feel that if you tell him your plan to have a solo mini-break, he will rain on your parade?

goldfinchonthelawn · 30/08/2022 09:38

Can;t you talk to him? Can;t you say: I feel quite run down right now, and although I wasn't up to the trip to visit family,. I coudl really do with a short break to recharge. I'm thinking of spending the money it would have cost for me to join you on a weekend retreat while you are away so it won;t get in the way of family time. What do you think?

That way you are letting him know what you need and plan to do, not asking his permission, just his opinion. Far better than hiding stuff from him and lying which seems immature and pointless.

Snoken · 30/08/2022 10:05

I understand why you are not telling him. You want to avoid the risk of him raining on your parade. For once you have two weeks to just please yourself, you should definitely make the most of it.

I don't know where you live, but I would go to London for the weekend. Stay in a nice hotel, eat nice food, shop, go for a facial, museums, shows. I'd probably go on a Friday morning and come back Sunday night. Other than that, I would like to spend as much time as possible at home. How many weekends will you have for yourself?

Tell him once you are back if you need to, just say it was a last minute decision.

Original poster
WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 10:10

I don’t feel like I should need to discuss or ask permission, quite honestly. And yes DP can be a bit of a fun sponge at times - I’m the extrovert and DP is more of a stay at home type.

and often tries to put the kibosh on my solo plans - which I generally ignore.

OP posts:
Chillow · 30/08/2022 10:32

I would hire a cottage or chalet on the beach for a week.

We stayed near a beach for £900 in June, so I think you would be able to get very close to the beach for £1,000 in October. It would be chilly but just being near the beach makes me happy.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/08/2022 10:35

Definitely go to whitstable and eat loads of oysters.

KeyWorker · 30/08/2022 10:51

oh I fantasise about this all the time. My DH is a people person and just wouldn’t ‘get’ wanting to spend a holiday/weekend away alone. He’d see that money could be spent on a family/couple night away ect so I get it OP.

I think I’d do 2 or 3 nights in this country. Pick a hotel with a spa in an interesting city I’ve not been to before and do a mix of exploring the city, reading in the hotel in peace and spa time/swimming. It sounds like bliss.

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 10:53

WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 10:10

I don’t feel like I should need to discuss or ask permission, quite honestly. And yes DP can be a bit of a fun sponge at times - I’m the extrovert and DP is more of a stay at home type.

and often tries to put the kibosh on my solo plans - which I generally ignore.

You shouldn't have to ask permission

But most in mutually loving, decent relationships talk about this kind of thing

The fact you don't think you can tell him or else he'd try and talk you out of it points to bigger issues in your marriage

gannett · 30/08/2022 10:58

WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 10:10

I don’t feel like I should need to discuss or ask permission, quite honestly. And yes DP can be a bit of a fun sponge at times - I’m the extrovert and DP is more of a stay at home type.

and often tries to put the kibosh on my solo plans - which I generally ignore.

Of course you don't NEED to do anything, especially not ask permission, but it's pretty weird to sneak around and plan expensive getaways behind your partner's back. I couldn't really imagine keeping something nice secret from DP. Why is "while you guys are away I'm going to treat myself to X, I'm really excited" such an issue for you to say?

However it's also a bit off to opt out of something ostensibly to save money, then spend a ton of money on yourself anyway.

I sense there are also deeper issues in the marriage at play, certainly "he always puts a dampener on my plans so I do things secretly" is an unhealthy pattern.

Luckynumbereight · 30/08/2022 11:03

Do it OP but do not ever breathe a word about it.

RiverSkater · 30/08/2022 11:04

If find a cottage next to the sea in a quiet place with opportunities for sea view runs and eat lovely food and binge tv/ read books. Maybe a nearby town with a market or ours if very hood charity shops for retail therapy.

Original poster
WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 11:05

Thanks for the marriage advise! DP has HER quirks, I have mine. I’ve made peace with this after 20 years together.
i’m going to have a weekend in London, catch up with friends, go to something at the theatre or similar then enjoy the shear bliss of having the house to myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 11:08

‘However it's also a bit off to opt out of something ostensibly to save money, then spend a ton of money on yourself anyway.’

we don’t need to save money, I just don’t want to spend £3k odd to go and see people I’ve seen twice this year already. so by not going, I’ve saved us £3k - that make sen?

It’ll be nice for DP to see family without me.

they’re my in laws. There’s only so much of them I want to see!

OP posts:
tealandteal · 30/08/2022 11:11

I have always wanted to go to the spa at Chewton Glen which is in the New Forest. It’s pricey but looks amazing, and you could explore the New Forest a little or head to the coast.

PonyTime · 30/08/2022 11:12

WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 11:05

Thanks for the marriage advise! DP has HER quirks, I have mine. I’ve made peace with this after 20 years together.
i’m going to have a weekend in London, catch up with friends, go to something at the theatre or similar then enjoy the shear bliss of having the house to myself!

The fact you have to keep things from your partner isn't a quirk

It's concerning

Original poster
WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 11:13

@PonyTime if you say so.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 11:15

If DP asks I’ll tell her vaguely … but no, I’m not going to go ah, I’m off to that amazing spa with Jane for a few days - because I guarantee that the first thing she’ll say is ‘ oh but we should go instead SOMETIME’
except sometime never happens, because we have young kids and everything is 2 x the price with 2 people or through in a sitter etc.
man’s basicLly, she likes to stay home, A LOT.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereshouldIgo · 30/08/2022 11:16

And worry about money, despite the fact that are outgoings are sensible and our joint income is over £200k

OP posts:
sundayvibeswig22 · 30/08/2022 11:16

Sounds like a great plan and I'd be doing the same! Where would you like to go? If it were me I'd be looking somewhere warmish but also good access to city stuff- Seville, Malaga, Palma, Dubrovnik. Do you have any friends who would join you?

RaRaRaspoutine · 30/08/2022 11:17

YANBU, I have done this! Have done Stratford upon Avon, York, Lake District, Edinburgh, Canterbury, Liverpool, New Forest...

Aprilx · 30/08/2022 11:18

There is nothing wrong with you going on holiday on your own, but the way you are going about it is awful and I can’t get past that to make suggestions.

KnowtheBand · 30/08/2022 11:19

It's up to you how you spend you time and money, but you have to tell DH the truth up front.

It's really hurtful to let him (and to DC, actually) think you're staying at home to save money and holiday and then spend it on a trip without them.

Reasonable to take the trip, but very unreasonable to lie about it and expect them to be fine with it after the event.

FlorencePennnywell · 30/08/2022 11:21

You did this post all wrong OP! You should have said ' any ideas for a fun, interesting few days away?'

By giving the background you've opened yourself up to a relationship scrutinising!

Just plan somewhere nice (it would be The Pig in Bath for me I think) and do what you want to do when you want to do it

Your money, your life, your choice. Mention it afterwards or mention it before. Who cares? You're not skulking off for an affair.

I'm very happily married and I do what the fuck I want - the only proviso would be I don't cause harm to him. My husband wouldn't bat an eyelid at this - it's not your problem that other posters are so uptight

thetemptationofchocolate · 30/08/2022 11:22

I've been away on my own. I rented a shepherd's hut on a farm and buggered off for a week. It was lovely, I'd do it again if I had the money.
But it wasn't a secret from DH!

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2022 11:23

If I could, I'd go here - monart.ie/

Bliss!