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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sometimes abortion is a wise parenting decision

27 replies

Paperskie · 29/08/2022 11:45

I was talking to a friend yesterday who had an abortion in her 20’s to find her career. She said she couldn’t make that decision now that she is a mother. I was a bit taken back by it as as mother of 2 I knew I couldn’t handle another child emotionally so as much as I wouldn’t want to, I think I would terminate for the benefit of my existing children.

OP posts:
GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 29/08/2022 11:47

But she was also a mother then.

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 29/08/2022 11:48

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 29/08/2022 11:47

But she was also a mother then.

Eh?

addler · 29/08/2022 11:50

That is the beauty of being pro choice though, it's whatever choice you want to make. And that's what she would make now. It doesn't make her wrong, and it doesn't make you wrong.

SpinningFloppa · 29/08/2022 11:50

She’s only talking about herself she’s allowed to feel like she couldn’t have one now doesn’t mean she’s saying you should feel the same way

SpinCityBlues · 29/08/2022 11:52

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 29/08/2022 11:47

But she was also a mother then.

Is that you there, Sister Michael?

FlorettaB · 29/08/2022 11:54

Women with children make up a significant percentage of those having abortions. In 2018 in England and Wales 56% of all terminations performed were on women who had already had one or more previous births.

InsertPunHere · 29/08/2022 11:56

I became even more pro-choice after my first child. It was such hard work, I couldn’t imagine having to go through it all if I wasn’t 100% on board.

Original poster
Paperskie · 29/08/2022 11:57

Yes I think I agree with you. I have always been pro choice but even more so since becoming a mother.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 29/08/2022 11:58

People make different decisions at different stages of their life, but not all people make the same decisions at what ever stage. It isn't hard to understand, people think about their own circumstances in the round. That is what she feels, you feel differently and that's OK. Best to steer away from emotive issues if you and who ever else can't accept differences of opinion.

Original poster
Paperskie · 29/08/2022 12:01

I don’t think it is that I cannot handle differences of opinion. It’s the fact that she stated she couldn’t do it now as a mother, like it was ok then but not now? Surely people make that decision based on their circumstances at the time, being a mother or not is irrelevant

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 29/08/2022 12:01

Your friend wasn't necessary saying she is no longer pro-choice, or even that she regrets her decision. Maybe it was the right decision to terminate at that stage of her life, but if an unplanned pregnancy happened now she would feel differently because her circumstances are different. That doesn't mean she made the wrong decision and it doesn't mean she would judge anyone else who decided to terminate.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/08/2022 12:02

Yeah my friend had an abortion when we were 15 because she didn't want to have a child. In the last 17 years she has changed her mind and now has 2 kids and is working on a 3rd. It was right for her then but not right for her now.

Snugglemonkey · 29/08/2022 12:05

I am absolutely pro choice, moreso since becoming a mother myself. I know others who, like your friend, have gone the other direction.

This to me underlines the fact that our thoughts around it are so personal and so tied to our own experiences. We cannot know someone else's, do really nobody is in any position to comment on or try to control another's choice.

Original poster
Paperskie · 29/08/2022 12:05

Yes it’s such a personal decision isn’t it.

OP posts:
BeanieTeen · 29/08/2022 12:07

YANBU.
Makes little sense to me. A baby with no siblings can be aborted but one with siblings can’t? I guess she just feels how she feels - I can see how having children already, experiencing what that positive pregnancy test can turn into, can make the decision more painful in a way I suppose - but I still don’t really get the logic behind it.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 29/08/2022 12:15

I think the other reasoning could be she has already aborted once and is unsure whether she could do that again.

I have had an abortion (had 2 children at the time aged 5 and 2) I knew it was the right decision for our family, and I don't regret it for a moment as mentally, physically and financially we couldn't afford a 3rd. However if I fell pregnant again I'm not sure whether I could do it again, despite being the right choice it does still play on my mind and I often think of the what ifs. So it might not necessarily be as simple as now she has children, there could be other reasons influencing her decision, possibly even subconsciously.

ChaToilLeam · 29/08/2022 12:21

I know women who have terminated after becoming mothers because another pregnancy would have been a bad thing for them at that point in time, as well as women who say they couldn’t bear to.

Each woman has to choose what is right for them and their families at that point in time.

HangOnToYourself · 29/08/2022 12:36

You sound very judgemental to be taken aback by her opinion. The beauty of being pro choice is that every woman can choose what is right for her. If for her having had children has changed the way she feels about a fetus then that is really no business of yours and she has every right to feel that way.

MessyBunPersonified · 29/08/2022 12:39

Paperskie · 29/08/2022 12:01

I don’t think it is that I cannot handle differences of opinion. It’s the fact that she stated she couldn’t do it now as a mother, like it was ok then but not now? Surely people make that decision based on their circumstances at the time, being a mother or not is irrelevant

It may be irrelevant to you, but it obviously isn't to her.

You're not wrong for the way you feel about your circumstances, she isn't wrong for the way she feels either.

Doingmybest12 · 29/08/2022 17:52

Possibly her view might change again if she has more children and then couldn't contemplate another at some point. Of course experiencing a pregnancy, having a baby makes you view life differently. She is saying (I think) she put her career first then but now she has had a child she might make different decision with hind sight. I wanted to get to a certain point in my career before having a baby. After having the baby I wondered why I thought it mattered but I know for others they'd still feel it mattered and that is OK . It is unlikely that people hold a view at 20 and exactly the same view at 40 regardless of life experience and becoming a parent might be one of those things that cause a shift.

Doingmybest12 · 29/08/2022 17:54

But yes of course can be a wise parenting decision

ZooMount · 29/08/2022 18:01

I completely understand what she's saying and I feel the same. Before I had children I didn't know what it would feel like to bring a child into the world, be pregnant or have a child. Before having children I used to think that it would be a 'no brainer' if I wasn't in a stable relationship/ready. Now that I'm a mother I know I wouldn't be able to abort a baby that I know I would grow to love and would be a sibling for my children. Probably made clearer because I've had two miscarriages so would feel wrong. Not saying I'm not a pro choice for other women but it's just a personal choice. Who knows maybe if I was in a different situation or much older I might change my mind.

Justkidding55 · 29/08/2022 18:23

Being a good mum is thinking about your existing kids first. I had my kids at 18 and 21 and had no career, struggled, had the wrong partner, as they grew I gradually built everything up and finally bought a house when they were in secondary school. But I know the limits of what I can and can’t deal with. I had a termination last year at 34 because my kids need a sane mother more than they need a sibling

Livpool · 29/08/2022 18:45

Paperskie · 29/08/2022 11:57

Yes I think I agree with you. I have always been pro choice but even more so since becoming a mother.

I agree.

I had a difficult pregnant (had HG) then ended up having an EMCsS followed by PND/PNA

The thought of ANY of that if you don't even want the baby.

I also think mothers need to put the needs of their actual children ahead of an embryo.

Mumofsend · 29/08/2022 18:59

There are far far worse things that can happen to a child than never being born at all. Ie, being shot dead in their classroom.

Being left starving. Being abused. Abortion can be the kindest and most selfless choice to make.