To want to live alone

[ChellyT]

I'm F 49 with my grown children (DD 32 and DS 29) both still living at home and the kicker is they both have a child who also lives FT at home. I'm tired, I want to live alone, I've even thought I'd like to downsize from my large house to a small flat closer to the City...

My DD has recently had quite a medical episode and was in hospital for 3 weeks. She has a partner and he is the father of my grandson but they choose not to live together fuck me right! My DS is a single dad with a young daughter that needs my assistance getting her to and from school as my DS works approxi 12 hour days M-F to get a head and he is but still needs help with his little one.

I'm just tired of everyone still at home. My ex is a dick wad and thinks our adult children are some how helping me out financially (I wish! they do pay a modest weekly rent, shop for groceries and pay for a fortnightly cleaner). They see their father once a month and it's never a joyful event. I love my two and their children, we holiday together, we eat out together, go to festivals/carnivals together but I just want space.

My friends say I'll miss them and the noise when they leave but I dream of moving closer to the City while still catching up with them weekly. I find myself making plans just about every weekend to get out/away and have not brought a man home as I don't want one of my GC asking questions or walking in on something...

AIBU? I would prefer them both to move into a property/house/unit with a mortgage over paying someone else's mortgage ie renting but with the way property prices are going they just might have to look at rentals?

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your children need to sort out their own living arrangements. You are absolutely entitled to some solitude. You've done far more than your fair share.

29 & 32! They are taking advantage. But have you ever talked to them about when they are leaving? Do they know how you feel?

If you really mean what you say, I'd give them a deadline. Tell them you're going to put the house on the market in 12 months time. See what reaction that prompts. At least plant the seed of an idea. 🙂

No, you are not being unreasonable
I empathise completely
i have 5 children, (no grandchildren though) between the ages of 13 and 29 and they all live at home. My ex sees them when it suits him and doesn’t understand why would I need to ask him to help out once in a blue moon with my youngest because the older children are “obviously” bank rolling me and available for childcare on a full time basis 🙄
my house is literally never empty, having children that work different shift patterns. I feel like I don’t have a life. The guilt if I try to, is immense.
They also pay a small contribution towards the bills (between them they cover the difference in the bills that I would be paying if they didn’t live with me) and food. The idea was that they would be able to save up enough of a deposit to buy their own places, but I’m not convinced that this is happening.
I want a life for me now, I’m not getting any younger and I feel that no one will ever want me. It’s just too much hassle.
It may be impractical, but is there anyway that you can divide your house up, so you have your own space? Not just a bedroom?
It sounds like you need some ground rules, about what you can and cannot offer your DC in the way of childcare and housework as well (easier said than done, I know)
I know that I would miss my own if they left (as hopefully one day they will), and yet I crave the peace at times. Especially in the middle of the night, when one or other of them invariably wakes me up doing “something” and disturbing the dog 🙄 hence why I’m awake now 🤷‍♀️
You have my sympathies OP

29 and 32 ???!?!! Just no. Tell them it is ending and you are downsizing. You can even be nice and give them a generous amount of transition time. At most 6 months or a year from now you should be in your new place enjoying the peace and quiet and it can be sooner if you want.

To be clear, I’m not saying that you SHOULD do this, but IF you downsized would you be in a position to give your DCs a contribution towards a deposit for their own places?

They are too old to be living at home, they need to move out, especially the one with a partner and dc. They’re effectively poncing off you.

That sounds like a nightmare. I think downsizing is the perfect solution. Put your house on the market.

You've been mothering people since you were a teenager and of course you're entitled to live alone and be free of the responsibility.
I'd be having a conversation with them very soon, and saying that next year you're going to be selling the house and buying a small flat to live in alone.
Let the idea sink in and don't be budged.
You're under 50 and have earned peace and independence.

Can your children afford to move out? It's very expensive these days. Maybe they could try and get somewhere together but it may be hard finding enough bedrooms. I suppose it depends on how well they and their children get on. I know you want your space but government policy has made this more difficult to achieve!

Hi
I think you are perfectly justified to want space.
I does not seem fair that one of your children and their partner choose to live apart yet you don't have the option, as yet, of being alone.
At their ages they need to take more responsibility . As for you not taking a man home I totally understand your thinking but it doesn't mean it's right.
They need a nudge. Do they know how you feel? In their minds everything could be fine. I presume it's a comfortable place to live they have got emotional and practical support from you and even though they probably have no idea yet (but will when they are paying all their own bills) it's cheap. They may have no idea how you feel.
I am not a grandparent but I remember my mom saying she wasn't 'granny rearing'. I think there is an assumption that this is an automatic right towards some grandparents but it isn't.

You are still young. I didn't really start my romantic journeys until my 50s.
Stay strong and invest in you now.

I totally sympathise with you OP .I crave having the house to myself! My adult children have boomeranged back between them since going to Uni!! Daughter and Grandchild have literally just found a flat and am relishing the peace and quiet….absolutely adore them and feel guilty for being so relieved !! Daughter was very mindful of how tired I was and really was very appreciative.
Give your children 3-6 months notice that you are downsizing for financial reasons.
Hopefully they will be receptive and understand!
Still have one post grad back home who has only just finished Uni …think this one will get sorted soonish !!

Poor you. You have been more than generous and fair. Why should you be a built in babysitter for your grandchildren at all times. 49 is young and you deserve to make a life of your own now your children are grown up. I would assert yourself and tell them that turning 50 will bring changes and you are going to move into a small flat of your own, and sorry but it is time for them to be responsible for themselves. Good luck!

The next time all the adults are in the same room, just say the words.
'I am putting this house on the market and am downsizing to a one bed flat for me.'
Stay firm. Give a timeline. Suggest they get a place together. Tell them you love them all but need your own space now.

You could always book a few flats in to view- to incentivise yourself and shock them with your resolve! And discuss with them which estate agent to use to sell.

What do they think every other young person has to do? I'm not much older than OPs daughter and I can't imagine still being supported by my mum at this age, particularly if I had a partner!

OP..... just say that due to turning 50 and for financial reasons you will be putting the house on the market in the new year and downsizing to a small property for yourself. This gives them plenty of time to work out other options.

You’re not being unreasonable. I have a 13yo, 16yo and 22yo at home and it’s my 22yo I clash with most now. Not because she is a problem, she isn’t - she pays towards the house, she tidies up - but she also rearranges everything, throws away things I wanted to keep, puts important mail away in a draw before I’ve seen it and know it’s there. Lots of little things that make me feel that I’ve lost control of my own home. She needs her own ‘nest’ and I need my home back to being mine. I would never force her out but I am gently suggesting she considers how she will move on to that step. It’s just a shame house prices are so high and the deposit needed takes forever to save for these days. She is reluctant to private rent for obvious reasons as she’ll never be able to afford to save a deposit then.

Your children have been v unreasonable having kids of their own under your roof. You are absolutely not unreasonable.

Sounds bad - everyone has voted yanbu

Good lord, you must be exhausted!

I don't see an easy way to wriggle out of that situation, but I think you need to start the conversation before either of them has more children for you to house and look after.

I'm tired, I want to live alone, I've even thought I'd like to downsize from my large house to a small flat closer to the City...
It's interesting that you wrote that sentence with the word "even" in it.
Almost as if it's an outlandish prospect that you are not really 'allowed' to do, even fantasise about ...
Guess what? You're allowed! You have put in decades of parenting, you have helped out your fully adult DC & their DC ... you've done enough now!

She has a partner and he is the father of my grandson but they choose not to live together
How very convenient for them to have that choice. So long as mum keeps providing a roof & childcare - right?

My ex is a dick wad and thinks our adult children are some how helping me out financially (I wish! they do pay a modest weekly rent, shop for groceries and pay for a fortnightly cleaner). They see their father once a month and it's never a joyful event.
Something tells me that their father would not be providing accommodation for his own DC & GC. I imagine he'll have all sorts of reason why HE cannot possibly, but YOU ... etc.

My friends say I'll miss them and the noise when they leave but I dream of moving closer to the City while still catching up with them weekly
I curl my lip at your friends. Maybe THEY want to take on your 30 year old children & the grandchildren? No? Then WTF are they doing, giving you negative & defeatist talk like this?

Imagine a life where you are finally free of obligations to your adult offspring, free of duty & childcare & constantly stepping round everyone else's mess & noise. Where you can make plans without having to negotiate "time off" for your own life. Where you still love each other, holiday together, eat out together, go to festivals/carnivals together but you get the space you need & deserve.

AIBU? I would prefer them both to move into a property/house/unit with a mortgage over paying someone else's mortgage ie renting but with the way property prices are going they just might have to look at rentals?
YANBU
This simply is not your problem.
They are 30 years old & have been paying modest rent for all the time you have been housing them as adults - surely that has enabled them to save? They could even choose to rent/buy together. If it's good enough for them to live together under your roof, maybe thay could continue that arrangement together?

I think you should talk to a couple of estate agents & get a valuation.
Get on Rightmove for some City Flat Porn, & get visualising.
Tell your DC that you are downsizing, that it's your turn for some freedom now.
& whatever you do, do NOT be persuaded that somehow the equity from your house needs to go to "help" your adult children instead of you.
Part of your downsizing is to free up some capital/income FOR YOU not anyone else. So that you can lead a free & comfortable life. That also means no more daily childcare.
This may sound harsh ..? - but really, everything seems to default to mum right now & I can see you being emotionally blackmailed by your own concerns over how your DC will manage to buy/rent without you. If your DC have no plans what did they expect - that they cuckoo you for the rest of your life?
Any pushback, refer them to their father. When they whine that dad won't help, ask them why they think it's fair to expect you to, at the expense of your own freedom to enjoy your middle age.

A deposit the adult DC should have been able to save for themselves by now, surely?

Downsizing shouldn't mean moving to a smaller gaff & just giving the equity away!
OP has done more than enough - she needs that capital for herself & her own older years. Maybe their father, who has not housed them or provided childcare, can stump up a contribution toward their deposits?

But it's not the OP's responsibility. They're adults.

Could you downsize and get a buy to let and let to your dc - at least they would not be ripped off by landlords and you can build.a retirement asset?

I despair.

Are women not allowed to keep their own hard-earned money, or finally enjoy the independence that comes from cashing in a major asset?

OP's 'children' have a combined age of 61.
How long is she expected to keep putting them first, at the expense of her own wellbeing, freedom, & cash?

It was only a suggestion no need to despair.

Not suggesting that she funds the dc but uses an investment and they pay the mortgage via rent payment, op was concerned about her d adult c paying high rents, this would avoid that and benefit the op as building up an asset.