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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a mug

38 replies

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 02:08

So I’m female and been living with my male friend for 12 years, we are both single, for the past 2/3 years after having a few drinks he has been coming to my room and we have pretty much done everything except sex, now my problem is that I have got feelings for him, I don’t know how to bring this up in conversation and also don’t want to ruin our friendship and make living together awkward but I also feel like I’m being a total mug and being used!!!!! Please help me and give me advice xXx

OP posts:

MumofSpud · 29/08/2022 02:45

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 02:08

You've been living together for 12 years?!
Isn't that longer than the average marriage?
There is a 'kiss your best friend' challenge on TikTok - you could try doing that and if he doesn't reciprocate you could just say you are doing that!

SavoirFlair · 29/08/2022 02:49

for the past 2/3 years after having a few drinks he has been coming to my room and we have pretty much done everything except sex,

What* *is actually going on here? Do you want to have sex with him?

Original poster

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 03:23

I would love nothing more than to be in an actual relationship with him but I also know him (probably better than he thinks)!!! In my heart I know that I am being used (and I know it's my own fault for letting it happen) I think I probably need more advice on how to move past this and get rid of these feelings 😭😭😭

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/08/2022 04:29

Why are you being “used”? You’re clearly close friends to have been living together for over a decade; you’ve presumably been an enthusiastic participant in the making out which has been happening for the past three years; you haven’t given him any indication that you aren’t happy about it; he probably thinks the situation is a mutually beneficial FWB one. If you don’t like it then now’s really the time to speak up.

Original poster

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 05:53

@ComtesseDeSpair I am fully involved in it and would love nothing more than being in a relationship with him and not just being a mug when he's feeling horny and wanting a blow job, in my heart of hearts I know at the end of the day that's all it is and I need to figure out a way to get past this!!!!

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 29/08/2022 06:01

Whats the housing situation ?
Can you give him notice to move out?
Otherwise can you leave?
Because I can't see another way to stop him (ab)using you...

Original poster

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 06:07

I am the homeowner and he rents a room from me, he's not abusing me at all, I have known him for 25+ years, I just don't know what to do for the best in my situation 😭😭😭

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 29/08/2022 06:10

You can't even see that you are being g abused??!!!

This is so dysfunctional...

Give him notice and take charge of your life.

Mummadeze · 29/08/2022 06:14

I know another couple who were in this situation. They are properly girlfriend and boyfriend now, but it took covid lockdown to make him realise he wanted more. She was very vocal about her wanting a proper relationship though. I think you should talk to him in the day, when you are both sober about it. If it puts a stop to it then at least you have your answer and can move on.

DropOfffArtiste · 29/08/2022 06:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 06:22

Dropofffartiste can you please send me the link again, I don't seem to have it 😊

OP posts:

Modestandatinybitsexy · 29/08/2022 06:28

Next time he comes to your room you need to say you don't want to do this anymore unless you're going to start a relationship.

You didn't ruin the friendship, he did that by starting a FWB situation in your own house without establishing boundaries.

Original poster

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 06:34

That is awesome advice and I am fully behind it but I just don't know how to say it out loud to him without potentially ruining our friendship 😢

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 29/08/2022 07:00

I wish people stop shouting abuse all the time without any particular reason. OP, you are a grown woman, own your house. You know the man for a very long time and fancy him. He hasn't forced you to do anything. Is he at all aware of your feelings? Does he know you don't want to do any sex stuff? Did you give him any indication at all you are not happy with the arrangement?

Original poster

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 07:06

Nobody is saying any form off abuse is going on at all, I think you need to re-read the start of my post!!!

OP posts:

SavingsThreads · 29/08/2022 07:08

Emsi2000 · 29/08/2022 07:06

Nobody is saying any form off abuse is going on at all, I think you need to re-read the start of my post!!!

@FlowerArranger said it.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 29/08/2022 07:08

You are basically giving your lodger blow jobs. You are too scared to ask him about a relationship because you know he really doesn't want that with you. Cock lodging at its very best.

DropOfffArtiste · 29/08/2022 08:39

Wrong thread, but still good advice. Get yourself some boundaries and self esteem. If you want a relationship, tell him that. FFS you deserve better than this awkward situationship.

DropOfffArtiste · 29/08/2022 08:40

He didn't care about potentially ruining your friendship by sticking his cock in your mouth, did he?

Workinghardeveryday · 29/08/2022 08:43

Does he do anything for you when he comes into your room or is it always all about him?

is there kissing etc or is it all very ‘mechanical’? That could give you an idea of if he wants more than fwb

KettrickenSmiled · 29/08/2022 08:50

FlowerArranger · 29/08/2022 06:10

You can't even see that you are being g abused??!!!

This is so dysfunctional...

Give him notice and take charge of your life.

How is OP being abused?

She is a consenting adult. At no point has she said she'd uncomfortable with the sexual activity.

Wanting more from a FWB, but not feeling confident to ask for it, does not mean that her friend is abusing her for goodness sake. What it does mean is that OP has a hard decision to make - whether to speak up or not.

If she doesn't speak up, she can keep hoping that something 'more' will develop. But that seems unlikely, or she would not be feeling constrained from discussing it, & the subject would have arisen naturally between them.
If she does, the risk is that her friend will decline the opportunity of being in a committed relationship with her, That will be painful - but OP may find that easier to deal with int he long run than maintaining the limbo of are we/aren't we in a 'proper' relationship.

It's OP's house, so if it doesn't go the way she hopes, she's the one in control. She could ask him to move out, & find herself a new lodger. That's surely better than putting up with a FWB situation she feels uneasy with.

Walkingalot · 29/08/2022 08:52

Have some self respect. He's using you and you're allowing it. Next time just say no. Tell him it's not right, as you are not in a relationship, see what he says.

Leafy3 · 29/08/2022 08:57

I think if he wanted more, he'd have initiated more.

By all means tell him how you feel but I think you're on a hiding to nothing.

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2022 09:01

You need to say to him

DF, we need to talk about our relationship. Since we’ve been messing around sometimes sexually I am starting to feel confused about whether we’re friends or something more. I think it’s time to discuss you moving out? I don’t want to lose our friendship so I need some space between us.

LondonQueen · 29/08/2022 09:01

12 years! That's longer than I've been married.

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