Am I a mug

[Emsi2000]

So I’m female and been living with my male friend for 12 years, we are both single, for the past 2/3 years after having a few drinks he has been coming to my room and we have pretty much done everything except sex, now my problem is that I have got feelings for him, I don’t know how to bring this up in conversation and also don’t want to ruin our friendship and make living together awkward but I also feel like I’m being a total mug and being used!!!!! Please help me and give me advice xXx

I think you should tell him how you feel and if he doesn't feel the same way he may be motivated to move out as it's too awkward and that will help you move on. You probably don't want to hear this but I don't see how you can move on from him if you still live with him.

I agree with this post

As a PP asked, does he do as much for you when he comes to your room or is it all about him? If you've got your period or are ill or just dont fancy it, does he come and see you anyway and give you a cuddle or does he just slink off?

If it's always about him then I wouldn't bother trying for a relationship.

You don't need to tell him the real reason, you could say something like after years of being single you think you're ready for a relationship and you want to be ready to meet someone and you're not sure that carrying on with your arrangement will mean you're in the best headspace to do this, so think it's best that you stop. I think then one of three things will happen -
He will say ok and support you with dating in which case he is a good friend

He will try and persuade you that giving him a BJ wont stop you meeting someone, in which case he is all about what he can get out of it

He will realise that he wants to be that person in a relationship with you

Does he reciprocate OP?

If he doesn't, yes OP you're being used.

FFS. This isn't abuse. Just because you heard the word, doesn't mean you throw it around. Op is a willing participant here. She wants something more.

I’m so confused why people are saying the op is being abused, I get MN hates men but this is just ridiculous

Agreed. Its not abuse.

Of course he's using you if it's in no way reciprocal. Does he reciprocate sexually or does he just come into your room, get a blow job and leave. When he comes to your room is he affectionate, do you stay the night together, cuddling etc or is it just he gets a blow job and leaves.

I think without knowing the answer to these questions, it's impossible to say if he's using you

Yes, obviously you're being used here. He's got it made, hasn't he? No ties or responsibilities or any of the actual relationship stuff, no need for him to be affectionate, but he can come to your room for a blow-job whenever he feels like one. The fact that he is the one coming to your room when he feels like it speaks volumes.

I think if he wanted a relationship, it would have started with a bit of affection, thoughtful gestures, a bit of a cuddle or whatever. Not just staggering into your room to get sucked off every time he's pissed.

Was this something that started during lockdown?

The friendship was 'ruined' when the sex stuff started. Now its a relationship of some sort. And you both need to discuss what that relationship is. If he wants a FWB situation and that is not right for you, then you need to speak up and tell him. You don't need to feel embarrassed about that, just be clear that its an arrangement that does not make you happy and that it needs to be either an actual relationship or that aspect is over. And then move back to being friends without benefits. Hiding your needs will destroy the friendship if you don't speak up, as feeling used will do that.

Lock your bedroom door